Simply….Crazy!

I’ve been feeling a little off lately 

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands…. 

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises! 

 

High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha 

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place… 

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way 

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities 

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense….. 

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

Story Of My Anxic Life!

Have you ever thought how crazy it is that everyone has different fears?

Afraid of clowns.

Spiders.

Water.

Death…..

These aren’t all my fears, but they are someones…ANYONE’S!

Think of your biggest fear.

Roller coasters.

Flowers.

Birds.

Choking on your favorite food.

Imagine your heart pounding. 

Your eyes widening…. 

Getting short of breath.

Speechless.

Motionless.

Now take away that fear

and imagine feeling that way 

Consistently, constantly…everyday.

EVERY FREAKING DAY!

In between Thoughtlessness

I hate when people assume you act the way you act because your “drunk”
I do drink often But I’m a very functional drinker.
(I know that sounds cliche but I’m super serious ;P)
There’s no reason to make someone feel like shit because of their mental state whether they drink or not.
I wish I could actually be an nonfunctional drunk!
I wish I was an nonfunctional something so I could at least feel some silence in the world.
I’m just super annoyed, I just want the world to know I’m fine and functional.
Just nonfunctional in the sense that I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore….
Life is a mess
But it’s because I made it a mess
I’m a mess.
Sometimes when I watch TV shows
And see people yelling screaming saying what’s on there mind….
I only wish I could do that.
I just want to scream, and cry and scream again!
I want to punch a wall but that shit cost too much money!
I’m super cheap…..
I only wish I didn’t have to think about money .
I wish I didn’t have to think about problems.
I wish I didn’t have to think….
Just for one day….
I’m scared my mind will forever race
Through life, death or whatever in between….

 

Lost in my Thoughts and awakened to this?!

i don’t know why I’ve been thinking about my mother so much lately

I watched a documentary earlier

on a women who was in jail for over 25 years

who was a “battered women”

then she developed lung cancer and had 6 more months to live

she had 2 kids, one of which was with the man she killed

[because he abused her, oh and she got out after 25 years]

probably 3 hrs afterwards I thought

I rather go my whole life

[which one of the daugthers did, her mother died 10 months after she got out of jail]

not knowing my mother and get just 10 months of my adult life with her

when your young I realize you don’t appreciate as much

I wish I appreciated her

I didn’t fight with her like some teenagers do with there moms

but when I did it was bad

and obviously I’m full of regret

I wanna give her 10 months of love

I wanna hold her and tell her how much good she did

I almost feel like she died out of sadness

it actually kills me to know I have true happiness

she might’ve found some sort of happiness from my father

[which personally I think is bullshit, but whatever]

but I know she probably never felt the happiness I do

my father is scum

as much as I try to convince myself that I love him and need him

I know its

just wanting something most people have

I feel like I need a parent

but if the parent is him

I rather pass

why choose someone to be in your life who chooses themselves

I’m jeal of Chris, whether he knows it or not

its not fair he can have parents

its not fair that I cant turn to someone with my problems

or ask questions when I have no clue what to do with my grown up life

its not fair that I can enjoy my children

without having someone I physically came from to show them off too

I’ve learned over time to ignore it

I’ve had a little more time then my sisters

each holiday gets harder because of my kids

[my older sister is the only one out of my 3 sisters with children]

and honestly I’m not gonna lie it gets harder every year

I’ve had a couple years over them not to brag or anything

which honestly theres nothing to brag about cause like I’ve said it gets harder

you see them laugh and smile

every year they ask a question every now and then

my son knows my mother is in heaven

and I tell him my father is dead

[he actually thinks my father is his uncle but whatever]

but I feel like its the right thing

I rather them not get attached to something that’s not there

my father is pointless but I miss him

my mother was everything

the one person I looked forward to learning from

and now all I have [parental wise]

is my grandparents

and when they go its going to be like losing actual parents

all over again

fuck my fucking life right?!

honestly nothings fair

keep your distance from people you love

it makes shit easier

fuck that!

I wanna be heartless

but I cant

I love who I can

as long as I can

its like a blessing actually

now I know to appreciate those around me

im paranoid about death but at least

I can still love

Oh the convenience of me not being in this wonderful family photo

a great ol’ pic of my parents and my 3 sisters

Crazy, Fucked Up, Unexplainable Maddness i tell ya!

I often wonder what if?

You all know I say that way too much!

I caught myself thinking my mother was alive the other day…AGAIN! 

I was staring at my kids

Thinking how cute and how much they’ve grown

I couldn’t wait to call my mother and tell her sienna said “ryleigh”

But then I realized There’s no one to call

My mothers dead

I started thinking “What if” AGAIN!

What if my mother was alive?

She would TOTALLY be happy!

I feel like she lived for grandchildren

Now she has them and can’t enjoy them

I know I often rant about the same things over and over again

I find peace

Then I lose it

Then I find peace again!

When will this crazy fucked up madness end?!

This past month I have loved Chris.

Okay yeahhh that sounds crazy writing that

but seriously sometimes my brain blacks out

and I cant control my anger

I absolutely start hating people

Flipping out

Most of it comes out on Chris.

If he even stares at me I yell

If I sense hes going to touch my shoulder I yell

I swear I have eyes in the back of my head

ears as big as dumbo

and senses that would scare some sort of supernatural being

[sorry for that one I’ve been watching vamp dies on Netflix all week]

I feel like I’m a crazy powerful human that would and could fuck your world up

but I choose not too

I choose to breathe

I choose the neutral, healthy, I-just-want-the-world-to-love-me-approach

I’m choosing to be like my mother

In the sense that I wanna be a people person

I just need to fuck this anxiety’s world up first

Anxiety=A Lot

Camille=Zeroooooo

Underground

Today is going to be one of those days

Theirs a chill of disappointment in the air

My breathing is so intense

I’m trying to contain my anxiety

Inside this little tiny box inside my body

But the box wants to burst open

I can never keep it shut

why cant I keep it shut?!

I had such pride that I refused to get help

But I’m starting to believe its selfish to hold onto that pride

Look what I’m doing to myself

I’m pushing myself towards craziness

What if I stopped this anxiety long ago

Maybe my illness wouldn’t of morphed so suddenly

Everything is happening slowly but surely

now I don’t just worry about anxiety and depression

Now I have to worry about concocting fake situations in my head

fake hatred

fake illnesses

Fake problems

Nothing seems real to me anymore

I cant sift through the truth like I use to

I freak out

I feel like a freak

Because I freak out

over something made wrong

or finding something 2ft from the place it should be

I snap!

I no longer hold my tongue

Words just pour out of my mouth

Like a waterfall

I cant stop it

I try to apologize

I want to apologize

But apologizing

Would mean explanation

Which would lead to

More anxiety

More depression

More paranoia

More seclusion

I despise seclusion

And all of thee above conclusions

Great Heart Bad Mind!

I’m working on myself

Still………!

Ive been saying that for months and months and months

For a second I feel a change

Then in a instant everything goes away

I want to feel better for my children

and especially for Chris

Chris deals with a lot

when it comes to me

More then any husband should deal with

I feel bad

and honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he left

But everyday without fail

he kisses me on the forehead and says

“I love you, no matter what, I’m never leaving and I’m always going to be here”

It feels good when he says that

My normal anxiety and depression

is slowly morphing into paranoia

and really bad mood swings

I can barely go to the store anymore

People make me nervous

The slightest anything can trigger anything

I honestly feel crazy

I’m going crazy

I cant even pick up the phone and call my grandmother anymore

The phone makes me nervous

Everything goes to voicemail

Text messages get ignored

People scare me

Death scares me

My mind scares me

But what keeps me going is knowing Chris is going to be by my side

Through all of it

Well, hopefully through all of it

Holding my hand

I’m the luckiest women in the world

and its all because of him

He doesn’t even realize it

Because the hatred I constantly feel towards him

doesn’t let me say it

My heart feels one way

But my head feels another

and my words have a strong bond with my brain

and I can never get the right words out

My big heart that I inherited from my mother

Is left unheard

I’m a good person

But I’m starting to feel bad

Waiting and Wishing

I love how I always feel like I can get through this

but yet every year It gets harder and harder

I’m going to snap soon

I’m only convincing myself

that’s what keeps me here

I’m in denial

major denial

everyone is

I tell myself everyday not to stress

someone has it worst then me

but what about the ones who have it better

its like a balancing act

why cant I be better

I’m almost angry that I’m in between stages

I wish my mind would pick

better or worst better or worst

I hate this in between feeling I have

I don’t know what to do with it anymore

its become a huge nuisance

I’m so normal its not even funny but yet my mind races constantly

its like on movies when people are scared of the voices in there head

that’s me its constantly going

I almost want to laugh at myself how crazy I feel

but I know I’m not crazy

my mind has to be playing tricks on me

I’m being tested

I’m starting to bite my nails

its not a good sign

I haven’t bit my nails since I was like 5

my nerves are getting to me

everything and everyone is getting to me

I want it to stop

I want to detach myself from everyone

I just wanna be alone

alive 

but alone

I need time to think

time to clear my head

what I really need is my mother

everything goes back to her

I’m angry she’s not here

fucking furious