Comfortably Uncomfortable

 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.

Forever Uncertain

It’s funny, once a loved one dies you end up thinking about them more often

then you did when they were around…. 

It’s almost June 2nd, which means…my mothers 50 something birthday.

Yesss! I’ve lost track, but I don’t want to count anymore

but its been around 7 years….

It’s been too long!

It’s around that time, all i want to do is talk to her

but then again…..it’s always around that time.

I’m usually good for so many months, then everything

wrong with me, hits me at once…………

Everything in my life has hit me all at once!

I’m forever fucked!

I just want to forget and move on…

I lack emotions, but i lack them towards reality.

Towards…RIGHT NOW!

I push those who need me now away, because I can’t deal.

I just don’t want to deal.

I never want to deal again!

NEVER!!!! In my life…..

I’m so conflicted!

I’m sure i’ll never give a shit.

Haha EVER!!!!

But about reality……

Some people are born with emotions

And some are born with none.

 I was born, forever conflicted about life….

WHILE NOT GIVING A SHIT!!!!

FOREVER ALONE…

FOREVER WITH MYSELF…

FOREVER IN LIMBO

FOREVER….ALONE

And it will remain that way…

FOREVER….

 

Take a Deep Breath and SCREAM!

I’ve been feeling a little non filtery lately….

A tad too unfiltery lately.

I increasing don’t give a shit, if you haven’t noticed.

Each and everyday

I feel myself smiling more….on the INSIDE.

I feel a warmth inside of me.

It feels good to be bitter and kind of not give a shit.

((((evil laugh))))

It almost feels like when your drinking wine (tequila, rum, whatever you alcohol of choice maybe) and hit that “I should stop drinking now, if I want to stay content” tipsy feeling.

I’m currently going through another phase

Which I’ve just noticed I haven’t really touched up on yet.

Things piss me off.

A lot of shit pisses me off.

Its honestly probably super easy to piss me off.

But lately, it just seems so freaking hilarious.

I’ve been super amused by people’s stupidity

and what the fuck actions!

Getting me annoyed plus no filter equals my entertainment. 

I’m slowly becoming cold as ice

but it seems like such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I must continue with my non emotionless ways.

I can’t go anywhere but up if i’m at the bottom, right?

I enjoy not giving a shit.

And i’m learning to enjoy not giving a shit

But i don’t at the same time.

It goes hand and hand with my anxiety.

Is it weird that I worry about everything but don’t worry about things that are in my control?

Now my next step is to get rid of my conscientiousness

that’s not a good thing though.

I’m a mean person.

I’ve always been a mean person.

I’m getting torn into two different people.

My mother and my father!

I’ve been my mother for so long 

and i can feel my fathers personality just yearning to come out!

I’m literally like 6 different people actually.

NOT 1….NOT 2….NOT 3…BUT 6.

I don’t even know what the freak the rest of my personalities are, but they’re there.

I personally know they’re there.

There developing…slowly, waiting to come out and reek havoc!

I want to cause chaos, confusion and delay.

I’m trying to delay the inevitable.

The test is how long can I hold out? 

High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha 

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place… 

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way 

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

Paralyzed Lost Girl!

Anxiety is a fucking bitch.
I constantly feel like I’m wrapped up in a cocoon and can’t breath….Or move.
I often suffer from sleep paralysis.
For those who don’t know what that is
It’s the worst
It’s when your awake but can’t move or speak, but it also feels like you can’t breathe.
It happens to me a lot
But I’m still not use to it
You would think I would be considering
That’s how I feel through life!
Paralyzed….
Speechless….
My anxiety is starting to feel like I’m trapped In a box, with spiders and lady bugs
As crazy as it sounds I hate spiders and lady bugs
Spiders COULD BE deadly
And lady bugs just smell (honestly, and I believe they bring luck)
It’s like a love, hate situation
I’ve gotten so used to my problems that it’s all I know.
I recently had one day of clarity.
It felt so good!
I felt like a normal human.
I had cares, in the world
But they didn’t mean shit to me.
I remembered how good it felt to fit into society!
That’s all I want in life.
I’m tired of feeling trapped.
I’m exhausted from feeling unwanted.
I know I’m wanted, even if it’s just by one person…
I’m just so needy
I’m trying to feel what I lost so long ago.
I’m just trying to make up for lost times!
I don’t just want to feel loved!
I think I’m searching for something a little more….

Divine intervention

it’s almost a week away to the big dramatic I hate life day

dec 26th

which honestly I should appreciate its not dec 25th

but anyway

im emo

im officially an emo child

I hate things constantly

but mostly in December

who loses a parent around the best time of the year right??

my favorite time of year !

I can’t decide whats worst

being abused

losing my mom to death

or losing my father to life

haha you would think it would be an easy decision

but it’s not

shit has stuck to my brain

im permanently traumatized

I don’t understand and no one understands me

the one chance I took to see a psychologist she was fucking retard

seriously not making fun of mentality ill people but she would’ve been that category

I let my guard down and ended up lying to her about how I truly felt because she had more underlying issues that she pawned on me

see everyone loses my trust

I can only talk to myself

in the sense that I talk to myself in this blog.

and I pray people feel the same

i only trust myself and just myself

ive been married going on 3 years

and havent been physically or mentally abused for

about ehhh maybe 6 years plus

and im still feeling the pressure

when does it go away

secretly i feel if my mom was here it would be different

but now that i think of it

who the fuck am i kidding

my problems have partial due to my mom being gone

but its the abuse that forced me to trust no one

i wanna trust again

i wanna love again

to the full extent

please take every space i type as a period or some sort of punctuation 

im too lazy to type one haha

seriously

if you been following i give a fuck but only in my mind

if you don’t get me emotionally yet

then you should either be back tracking

or stop following

or if your new

and you’re so depressed that every little bit of anything is difficult

you understand

and honestly if im the only one who understands its fine

im okay

i don’t need proper english

or mr.ware [my old English teacher who was the best]

i just need my thoughts

i need to reread just my thoughts

my whole life revolves around losing someone everyday

i think 2014 is it

i don’t believe in resolutions 

but i want too

i want to believe in something

can someone explain anything ? i know people comment on my blogs

or just read my blogs

but i wanna know

do you think the way i do ??

with lost, or without?

with the abuse or without ?

whether it’s with your parents, a loved one, or someone you truly trusted

I was like an escape arrest with emotions

until I fell in love

then I lost everything

heart mind and soul

Crazy, Fucked Up, Unexplainable Maddness i tell ya!

I often wonder what if?

You all know I say that way too much!

I caught myself thinking my mother was alive the other day…AGAIN! 

I was staring at my kids

Thinking how cute and how much they’ve grown

I couldn’t wait to call my mother and tell her sienna said “ryleigh”

But then I realized There’s no one to call

My mothers dead

I started thinking “What if” AGAIN!

What if my mother was alive?

She would TOTALLY be happy!

I feel like she lived for grandchildren

Now she has them and can’t enjoy them

I know I often rant about the same things over and over again

I find peace

Then I lose it

Then I find peace again!

When will this crazy fucked up madness end?!

This past month I have loved Chris.

Okay yeahhh that sounds crazy writing that

but seriously sometimes my brain blacks out

and I cant control my anger

I absolutely start hating people

Flipping out

Most of it comes out on Chris.

If he even stares at me I yell

If I sense hes going to touch my shoulder I yell

I swear I have eyes in the back of my head

ears as big as dumbo

and senses that would scare some sort of supernatural being

[sorry for that one I’ve been watching vamp dies on Netflix all week]

I feel like I’m a crazy powerful human that would and could fuck your world up

but I choose not too

I choose to breathe

I choose the neutral, healthy, I-just-want-the-world-to-love-me-approach

I’m choosing to be like my mother

In the sense that I wanna be a people person

I just need to fuck this anxiety’s world up first

Anxiety=A Lot

Camille=Zeroooooo

Great Heart Bad Mind!

I’m working on myself

Still………!

Ive been saying that for months and months and months

For a second I feel a change

Then in a instant everything goes away

I want to feel better for my children

and especially for Chris

Chris deals with a lot

when it comes to me

More then any husband should deal with

I feel bad

and honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he left

But everyday without fail

he kisses me on the forehead and says

“I love you, no matter what, I’m never leaving and I’m always going to be here”

It feels good when he says that

My normal anxiety and depression

is slowly morphing into paranoia

and really bad mood swings

I can barely go to the store anymore

People make me nervous

The slightest anything can trigger anything

I honestly feel crazy

I’m going crazy

I cant even pick up the phone and call my grandmother anymore

The phone makes me nervous

Everything goes to voicemail

Text messages get ignored

People scare me

Death scares me

My mind scares me

But what keeps me going is knowing Chris is going to be by my side

Through all of it

Well, hopefully through all of it

Holding my hand

I’m the luckiest women in the world

and its all because of him

He doesn’t even realize it

Because the hatred I constantly feel towards him

doesn’t let me say it

My heart feels one way

But my head feels another

and my words have a strong bond with my brain

and I can never get the right words out

My big heart that I inherited from my mother

Is left unheard

I’m a good person

But I’m starting to feel bad

Suck On That Deployment!

 

My Happily Ever After

[Yes, i know I’m a cornball…but he’s worthy of it]

So it feels so good to have Chris back!

Yes! you read that right

Hes freaking back!!!

I’m so happy my feelings are unbearable to control!

i feel like sometimes i forget how much i love him.

The distance forces me to distant my emotions.

But i think Ive always been that way.

Ive always been so independent when it comes to guys

I do my own thing and i let them do theres

as long as i know hes coming home to me I’m fine.

I think I’m like that so when they leave me

Its not as hard

Its sad old habits never die!

I’m married now

I should be clingy as fuck for like the first 2 years haha

I’m not gonna lie though

This deployment was hard

but i kicked its ass

I’m convinced!

It honestly went super super fast

thinking back

This year is just one big giant freaking blurr.

I say i would do it again

But I’m just ecstatic to have him back for now

and I’m going to soak in every minute i have with him until he gets a job.

I love him so much!

Hes truly the love of my life!!

My mother would be so proud

I think she would adore the fuck out of him!

and our kids.

This deployment would’ve been so much easier with her help and guidance

Which my grandmother [my mothers mom]

filled that position.

She used to be kinda stand offish to me and my sisters

No emotion

Never expressed her love

But once my mother died, i think she cherishes us more.

I love her this way

She the best grandmother in the whole entire world

I just wish i could have it both ways

My loving grandmother and my amazing big hearted mother

Unfortunately i guess that sounds too good to be true for my life.

I can never have anything good

I’m surprised Chris has even stuck around this long.

Anxiety, Depression, Ptsd can all fucking SUCK IT!

I don’t know what to blog about anymore

my thoughts are empty

yet all over the place at the same time.

I feel fat and ugly and lack the confidence

i know i should have and deserve.

I feel unwanted, and lonely.

No one can help me, but myself.

I just don’t know how to figure that out!

I want to feel healthy.

I want the strength that i possess

to shine on the inside as it does on the out.

I’m finally going to admit I’m stuck.

Ive always been a loner

But i feel like i need people.

I need to feel wanted.

I want to be surrounded by happiness.

I’m confused on how my life has gotten to this point.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt sane.

Nor entirely happy and content.

The smallest thing, can shoot me into depression.

Trigger my anxiety.

And make me feel burdensome.

I’m so needy and i hate it!

I fucking despise the amount of love, i need and want.

I hate everyone, but yet i need everyone

to keep me going

to compliment me

build me up.

I was never like that.

I miss myself

and want her back.

I’ve never wanted something so fucking bad in my life!

I no longer want to feel misunderstood.

or a burden.

I no longer want to explain my actions

or why i feel the way i do.

There unexplainable.

And i wish people would understand that.

If i went down a normal path

and come across someone like my current self

I’d call them crazy.

Its hard to think someone

who looks so normal

could be suffering so much on the inside

and have no clue why.

I cant explain myself, nor explain my feelings.

Its frustrating, just flat out fucking frustrating!

I miss smiling.