LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities 

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense….. 

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

Great Heart Bad Mind!

I’m working on myself

Still………!

Ive been saying that for months and months and months

For a second I feel a change

Then in a instant everything goes away

I want to feel better for my children

and especially for Chris

Chris deals with a lot

when it comes to me

More then any husband should deal with

I feel bad

and honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he left

But everyday without fail

he kisses me on the forehead and says

“I love you, no matter what, I’m never leaving and I’m always going to be here”

It feels good when he says that

My normal anxiety and depression

is slowly morphing into paranoia

and really bad mood swings

I can barely go to the store anymore

People make me nervous

The slightest anything can trigger anything

I honestly feel crazy

I’m going crazy

I cant even pick up the phone and call my grandmother anymore

The phone makes me nervous

Everything goes to voicemail

Text messages get ignored

People scare me

Death scares me

My mind scares me

But what keeps me going is knowing Chris is going to be by my side

Through all of it

Well, hopefully through all of it

Holding my hand

I’m the luckiest women in the world

and its all because of him

He doesn’t even realize it

Because the hatred I constantly feel towards him

doesn’t let me say it

My heart feels one way

But my head feels another

and my words have a strong bond with my brain

and I can never get the right words out

My big heart that I inherited from my mother

Is left unheard

I’m a good person

But I’m starting to feel bad

Stop Consuming Me, Thoughts!

I can feel myself getting meaner.

You know the whole “not giving a shit” thing.

I feel myself taking it literally.

[OK, not literally in a gross way]

But literally in the sense that, i cant hold my tongue.

I’m starting to lash out at my husband for no reason.

He ask me a question, i lash out.

He tells me I’m beautiful, i lash out.

He cant hear me over skype, i lash out.

[when i say lash out i mean..yell, get angry, you know the whole 9]

When i don’t hear what i wanna hear, when i want to hear it.

I get so fucking angry, i know people aren’t mind readers

but they should be for my benefit.

My anger isn’t consistent

I’m completely happy one second, the next I’m angry!

2 seconds later, everything is fine.

Just thinking of my mood swings makes me want to cry.

I’m so frustrated with myself.

I’m frustrated that i cant control these feelings.

I pray that people i secretly hate

don’t come in contact with me.

I’m to the point that i can no longer hold back my thoughts.

They just come out.

If i don’t say them, i get frustrated.

If i get frustrated, i get angry.

and if i get angry and there still in my face.

Be prepared to get punched!

But also on that note, even if i do like you

I still might give you an attitude, but its not intentional at all.

hah sometimes i wonder how many people i was actually

close friends with at one point are like

“Good thing i don’t talk to this bitch anymore”

and i can only imagine all my ex boyfriends saying

“Good thing i left that bitch when i did, shes fucking crazy”

None of them could possibly be saying that

but i guess that goes along with me low self esteem.

And my thought process of being an

Ugly, fat worthless piece of crap!

Let me Enlighten you, While you Enlighten me!

Let me enlighten you!

I’m really going to try and explain this in semi detail for you guys.

Ill use a lot of comparisons, metaphors, what not!

Ok so, do you know that “You cant get mad at me, I’m not touching you”

game you probably played as a kid?

Well I’m that kid who “supposedly” wasn’t getting touched!

My anxiety, is like that kid breathing down your neck, or hoovering over your shoulder

while your trying to concentrate.

Its like that little kid following you

you can feel his every move

His body heat, dragging behind you!

Jittery.

Paranoid.

Scared.

Nervous.

Sweaty.

Hot.

Itchy.

My depression is like that fly, that wont go away!

You don’t see it for awhile but then it comes back.

You think you killed it but you didn’t.

It appears no matter where you go!

Its like Christmas.

Your so happy to open presents

just to find out, you didn’t get what you wanted.

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Happiness.

Anger.

Hopeless.

Faithless.

Thoughtless.

Ugly.

My thoughts feel as if I’m doing a workout.

I’m tired, i want to stop..but i don’t.

I’m striving for something

so i push harder.

Racing.

Heart pounding.

Lost.

Blank.

Everywhere.

Puzzling.

My mood is like a chameleon.

Its constantly changing with the environment.

Refer back to Depression!

My OCD

makes me anxious, its trigger when my anxiety is.

Its that itch you cant scratch.

Nothing feels right

I have to touch you!

You have to touch me!

I have to touch it

PERFECTLY!

Open, close, open, close

My hands!

They don’t feel right

Open, close, open, close

Till they feel perfect

I really cant explain it, any better

It just happens, and i cant control it!

I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!

It feels like I’ve lost myself.

I am losing myself.

I lack personality.

I don’t know who i am anymore.

and its scares me.

Now enlighten me, tell me I’m normal!