Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I dont know why.

My theory could be..

Because growing up food was a big deal.

Which has made me absolutely hate cooking.

But i love it at the same time ?

I loath a lot

Like a lot, a lot.

I’m starting to find myself but at the same time give no fucks.

I make no sense ever

Including now

No one understands me.

but I know everyone does at the same time

Were all a little crazy, a little off.

Were all a lot off.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we were all uniformed robots

Vs. Figuring out life on our own

(If your married or have some sort of spouse. Your still an individual person who makes there own thoughts and choices)

I’ve been going through it…

Making my own choices

I rather not though

I need someone to think for me

Tell me what to do

I need order

Because I’m a mess

A crazy no good for nothing mess of a person

But I’m guilty cause I’m not a mess

But feel guilty cause I feel a mess

I dont know what else to say

Besides I make no sense and this is going no where.

Have a nice day 😉

Running on Empty

I’ve been caught in a strange place lately

I don’t know if i’m caring too much 

or if 

I’m caring too little

I’m going crazy missing my mother

And my anxiety is going absolutely insane

I’m increasingly becoming more paranoid about death 

And decreasing my love for society

I’m ready for the results I’ve been searching for 

I’m absolutely yearning for the must needed change i’m constantly talking about 

I know nothing is wrong with me

But i constantly feel like I need something 

Something is missing

It could just be the presence of my mother 

or my lack of sensibility

Why can’t i wake up now?

Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?

Dont Judge me Dammit!

seriously try and have a 3 kids sit still for a picture -__-

So it has been brought to my attention

that I’ve never really touched on the topic of being

pregnant as a teen.

Well, I’ve vaguely touched up on it.

Any who, i think the reason why i haven’t touched up on it

is because i kinda don’t remember it.

I remember i was very detached from my son.

I looked at being pregnant as no big deal

Reality didn’t hit yet

and when reality did hit

I still wasn’t ready

or most importantly attached.

I did do my duties as a mother

but i didn’t really love him like people love there children

to me, at that age…he was just this thing

that had me trapped in this horrible relationship.

I think i actually kinda resented him.

At one point i told his father

he can just keep him, if he let me go.

Obviously that didn’t happen because we all know

my sons father would’ve never taken care of him

but it wasn’t until i actually left the relationship

that it really hit me!

I was a mother.

This was my life.

And i helped create him.

I then realized, when i thought back to all those nights i spent crying

my son was always the one there for me.

I cried to him.

I confided in him.

He was my shoulder i always leaned on.

Sometimes, i think back to those days that i resented him

and wonder “what the hell was i thinking?”

This boy, was my life and he still is.

And honestly hes the reason I’m alive to even make these blogs

If it wasn’t for him

i would’ve killed myself guaranteed.

I’m not one to be dramatic

but i really physically would’ve

but I’m glad i didn’t.

Which brings me to my next topic

Abortion!

Dun dun dunnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I know its a touchy topic but someone requested it

So I’m answering the question!

Honestly so everyone knows, this is MY opinion

I know everybody has there own views and what not

And I honestly don’t care what you do in your personal life

And I don’t judge.

I’m a free spirit

Who just doesn’t give a shit!

But I choose against abortion

I would never ever EVER get an abortion!

I figured I did the deed, I must handle my responsibilities everybody deserves a chance

Whether your a nobody yet or not

And I’m soooo happy I didn’t get one at 15.

[Yes I probably did have a moment in life when I was like what if]

But I’m happy I didn’t.

The funny thing is

My mom was trying to set up an appointment without telling me

But in Pennsylvania its the child’s choice not the parents.

So when my mother called

The lady asked me if abortion is what I wanted

My response:

I hung up on the bitch!

In the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t ready.

But it was something I had to do

And I can’t imagine not having my son here today!

My pros of abortion: there is none.

Your killing a human being.

That child could be something spectacular in life

And your not even giving it a chance.

My cons: its the same as my pros haha

but yeah i don’t know if that makes sense

i guess pretty much I’m trying to say is

there is no pros and there are no cons

Just have the baby

theres always adoption as an option!

But honestly if I never had my son

Id probably would never have the thought process

Of college on my mind.

Id probably be an alcoholic possibly a drug addict too

Defiantly a partier

And who knows maybe a porn star haha

[Ok I was never a slut but at 8 it seemed like a cool job]

What so hilarious is, I’m not even joking

My son has made me into a better person

He has given me goals

I want to be someone important in life

Because he gave me life!

Each of my children have added an extra reason for me to breathe

My son javon, he’s so kind hearted and loving.

My daughter ryleigh she’s so outgoing, caring and of course girly yet tom boyish and just fun!

And sienna she reminds me of me.

Even though she’ll only be 3 months on the 25th

She has such a big personality.

And her smile, its perfect!

She reminds me of my mother.

My kids give me life.

When my depression and anxiety really get to me.

I look at my kids, and they help me through it.

There smiles brighten my day so much that it hurts.

I can see why my mother loved being a mom so much!

My kids mean life to me.

But i will note, i did want to join the military

not because of my husband though.

It was something i always wanted to do since middle school

I’m hard ass if you haven’t noticed.

And I’ve always thought the military to be for hard ass people.

It was a goal of mine no not a goal! a dream.

but I’m perfectly content at where i am today!

I want to go to college.

I want to spread awareness

to pregnant teens, teens in abusive relationships, and children suffering from PTSD.

I believe who’s better to talk to

someone who went to school and studied it.

Or someone who lived it?

You tell me!

Let me Enlighten you, While you Enlighten me!

Let me enlighten you!

I’m really going to try and explain this in semi detail for you guys.

Ill use a lot of comparisons, metaphors, what not!

Ok so, do you know that “You cant get mad at me, I’m not touching you”

game you probably played as a kid?

Well I’m that kid who “supposedly” wasn’t getting touched!

My anxiety, is like that kid breathing down your neck, or hoovering over your shoulder

while your trying to concentrate.

Its like that little kid following you

you can feel his every move

His body heat, dragging behind you!

Jittery.

Paranoid.

Scared.

Nervous.

Sweaty.

Hot.

Itchy.

My depression is like that fly, that wont go away!

You don’t see it for awhile but then it comes back.

You think you killed it but you didn’t.

It appears no matter where you go!

Its like Christmas.

Your so happy to open presents

just to find out, you didn’t get what you wanted.

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Happiness.

Anger.

Hopeless.

Faithless.

Thoughtless.

Ugly.

My thoughts feel as if I’m doing a workout.

I’m tired, i want to stop..but i don’t.

I’m striving for something

so i push harder.

Racing.

Heart pounding.

Lost.

Blank.

Everywhere.

Puzzling.

My mood is like a chameleon.

Its constantly changing with the environment.

Refer back to Depression!

My OCD

makes me anxious, its trigger when my anxiety is.

Its that itch you cant scratch.

Nothing feels right

I have to touch you!

You have to touch me!

I have to touch it

PERFECTLY!

Open, close, open, close

My hands!

They don’t feel right

Open, close, open, close

Till they feel perfect

I really cant explain it, any better

It just happens, and i cant control it!

I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!

It feels like I’ve lost myself.

I am losing myself.

I lack personality.

I don’t know who i am anymore.

and its scares me.

Now enlighten me, tell me I’m normal!

Time Fades to Black

When do we find true happiness?

There’s times I’ve told you guys i was happy

other times I’ve told you i was cured.

But in reality

when does the pain honestly go away?

These little spurts of happiness

yeah there great at that moment

but after a while, you cant even enjoy them.

You know they wont last long.

In all seriousness

half the time i don’t even know why I’m upset.

I cry for no reason.

I’m sad for no reason.

I hate the world…..for no reason.

Living like this is sick and cruel.

Both mentally and physically.

I cant believe one event in my life

could cause so much pain.

Then adding on a second

just increase the heartache and hatred i have towards life!

I can see why some people would wanna hurt them selves.

You see i use to think that way when i was younger.

But that’s when i had nothing going for me.

Now i have a wonderful family that keeps me together.

I try to look at life in a certain perspective.

Yes, tragic things have happened.

Years ago.

There done.

There over with.

There’s nothing i can do about it!

I’ve faced them.

Why am i dwelling?

Why does it still hurt as if it was yesterday?

You know that little part of your brain that helps you tune out your kids or your parents?

[if you have kids, and don’t lie you know you tune them out]

Well I’m pretty sure the only reason why I’m such a pro!

I’m so good just blocking out life.

Sometimes i completely forget about being abused.

But the second a memory is triggered.

I can recite the whole thing back to you.

In complete and utter detail.

Its kinda cool but really depressing.

Well its cool that my memory can be that good.

But the situation is just depressing all together!

I don’t know how these memories are triggered

and i don’t know when its gonna happen,

it just does.

And sometimes, there is no memory.

My mind fades to black

I think that’s one of the memories I’ve must’ve blocked out.

But i know its there.

I feel that its there.

I just cant see it.

And that’s when i breakdown most.

I wonder what horrible thing happened to me

to be so intense that I’ve blocked it out.

I want to know!

I remember being dragged by my hair

all the way into his room.

Just to be stomped all over my body.

Punched in my face repeatedly.

Spit on.

Had a gun put to my head.

Then raped.

Afterwards i was called gross.

Worthless.

Nasty.

I was the slut that no one would want!

Just writing that brings me to tears.

Its weird to read that over.

My mind just blanked!

I just had flashback

What happened?

What could be much worse then that?

What did i block out?

Would knowing make me better?

Is that the closure i need?

Hmp, why am i asking so many fucking questions

that ill never get the answer too?! 

Back to reality!

Contemplating

Life.

What is it?

that’s one question, i don’t think ill ever be able to answer.

I’m still trying to figure it out.

and i know by the time i do ill be old and wont be able to live.

What is life, exactly?

does it consist solely on breathing

yes, i know you need to breath to live

but then doesn’t it get old living to breath

some of you may never understand what I’m talking about

but when you have severe anxiety that’s all life is

Breathing

Breath in, breath out, breath in, and breath out!

That’s what my everyday is.

Now tell me what is

Life?