Tag Archives: love

Live to be loved


I don’t think ive ever stopped and gave myself a highfive for getting out of a toxic relationship.

I don’t think i’ve yet recognized I was even in one.

I know I was in one. 

But its hard to think YOU could be betrayed by someone you loved with your all.

It hurts right through the bone!


Straight through the freaking bone…


I’m speechless…


Lately, I’ve had nothing to say.


But its because I’ve felt weird…


That’s the only way I can explain it…


I’ve felt stupid.


How could I ever put myself in a sitiation like that?!


We can be so nieve at moments…


We want things to work out the way they do in our heads…


Some people just want to love and be loved…


That’s all I’ve ever wanted…


I just want to love


I want to live in a world filled with love…


Love is the greatest happiness of all…


Well…to me.


I’ll never feel truly loved


That’s completely ruined for me.


All I can do now, is try and make my own happiness and accept it…


I currently have my happiness


Now I just have to own it, appreciate it and accept it!

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Helpless Selfish Love

I’m tired of feeling neglected

When I know I’m not being neglected

I’m so needy

I want things

I assume people can read my thoughts

I want people to know what I want automatically

I wanna be surprised and feel loved

Is that to much to ask for?

I know I’m loved

But I wanna feel it

I wanna know someone went that extra exciting mile

My life is so blah and plain

Same shit different day

I need change

A mix up

I don’t know what I want

But I need it

I need excitement

And I need it like yesterday

Sock it to meeeeeeee!

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Foolish Mother Fuckerrrrrrr

I haven’t blogged in a while

And for that I am truly sorry

I know many of you look forward to reading my shit

But on the bright side of things

No blogging equals no attacks right ?!

I’ve recently realized that my original thought process of not having attacks

Was because I’ve been working out like crazy

But then I realized I haven’t had an attack cause I haven’t drank since I’ve been working out like crazy

Do you know what’s sad about that?

I was truly upset

I wanted to cry

I felt like a baby getting her bottle taken away

I lost my comfort

I can’t even casual drink

The second I see alcohol

I want it and crave it everyday

But I know the second I take a sip

It’ll feel like an addiction again

The warmth running through my veins

My horrible thoughts returning

The yelling, screaming, and hatred will fill my soul

I don’t wanna be that person anymore

The crazy thing is

I know I should handle this with certain steps

But for now I’m going to do the dumb thing

And replace my addiction with another addiction

EXERCISE!!!!

Well until I figure out what I wanna do with my problem and how to handle it

I can’t be that wife

I want Chris to love me

Always and forever

I have to change for him

He’s the love of my life and I his

I wouldn’t want to change that because of my foolishness

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Decietful Desires

I love going into the back screened in porch in my house

just to feel a chill in the air!

It reminds me my husband will be back in my arms soon enough

i cant wait i need this!

I hate that he’s so far

and it sucks, that my thoughts make me angry at him sometimes.

For no reason, but he takes it.

He says he understands

its funny, he understands

cause i still don’t even understand this shit!

The psychologist told me i was suffering from ptsd.

Crazy right?

My husband is deployed

and I’m the one sitting at home struggling with this crap.

When one gets deployed they know

they’re likely to come home with ptsd.

But me

I didn’t sign up for this.

I didn’t ask for this.

I don’t want this!

Its getting harder to blend in as someone “normal”

You know

The cheesy smile

Fake laughter

Corney jokes

You may not know but

Its really hard for me to even carry on a conversation

Whats there to talk about ?

Nothing.

I don’t wanna be on of those people who make things about them.

I don’t like making things about me.

I sit in a house all day

doing nothing.

Thinking nothing.

But wanting everything!

I miss when my husband was home, he’d give me time to take a nap.

Its The only time i really dreamed.

You see, my thoughts of hate and anger keep me up all night.

I see constant shadows of people or things!

I constantly feel like someones following me.

So when i dream, its like a break from reality.

I dream hopes

of life

Success

Normalcy

Happily ever afters

You see meeting my husband was the start of my fairytale

but unfortunately i don’t know how it’ll end.

Good, bad, i don’t know.

I don’t even wanna know.

I’m comfortable knowing that I’m happy with him now

and i never wanna lose that happy.

Its changed things.

I like change, good change.

I just wish i could be better right now for him.

I HATE feeling defective.

In march well be together for 4 years.

That’s 4 years of him dealing with me.

My screaming

My outburst

My crying

My constant complaining

Its a lot to deal with

and he handles it like a champ.

I’m lucky!

And very fortunate to have him.

I wish my my mind

would just appreciate that already

and stop fucking with me.

He deserves someone better.

And that’s what confuses me

I hope he didn’t just settle for me

cause that would break my heart!

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Beautiful Disaster

I can’t wait to feel that comfortable feeling.

Knowing my husband is home

Knowing he can make me a bubble bath

Give me a back massage

Make me feel relaxed And at peace

I look forward to Forgetting

Ignoring

Pretending

Nothings wrong with me.

Nothings wrong with anything

Nothings wrong with us

It could be just me

But I wish I could go back in time

And take back some things

One thing in particular I should’ve never done

And I’ve always told myself id never blog about it

But clearly I am right now!

I won’t say exactly what it is

[I didn’t kill anybody if that’s what your thinking]

It makes me feel like a horrible person

I broke someones heart

Its honestly the only wrong doing I’ve ever done

And I wish I could go back And erase it all

This situation is part of problem

And I can’t even blog about it

I wanna blog about it

I know it won’t make it all go away

But when I write I feel liberated

Its that sigh of relief

Getting anything and everything off my chest

I know I have to say my feelings to recover

But its much easier said over a computer

Then in person I can’t do face to face

Its crazy I’ve grown up Learning to lie, manipulate, cheat, and steal

And the only thing I managed to hold on to

Was to never show fear Or emotion

Never trust Or let your guard down

I wish I showed fear more often

I wish I didn’t lack emotion

I wish I could cry in front of others

I wish I could let my guard down

You wonder why, I never mentioned trust?

Because why should I be trusted?

Like I said I grew up learning how to Lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate

Think about it!

Actually don’t think about it, let’s talk about it!

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Time Fades to Black

When do we find true happiness?

There’s times I’ve told you guys i was happy

other times I’ve told you i was cured.

But in reality

when does the pain honestly go away?

These little spurts of happiness

yeah there great at that moment

but after a while, you cant even enjoy them.

You know they wont last long.

In all seriousness

half the time i don’t even know why I’m upset.

I cry for no reason.

I’m sad for no reason.

I hate the world…..for no reason.

Living like this is sick and cruel.

Both mentally and physically.

I cant believe one event in my life

could cause so much pain.

Then adding on a second

just increase the heartache and hatred i have towards life!

I can see why some people would wanna hurt them selves.

You see i use to think that way when i was younger.

But that’s when i had nothing going for me.

Now i have a wonderful family that keeps me together.

I try to look at life in a certain perspective.

Yes, tragic things have happened.

Years ago.

There done.

There over with.

There’s nothing i can do about it!

I’ve faced them.

Why am i dwelling?

Why does it still hurt as if it was yesterday?

You know that little part of your brain that helps you tune out your kids or your parents?

[if you have kids, and don’t lie you know you tune them out]

Well I’m pretty sure the only reason why I’m such a pro!

I’m so good just blocking out life.

Sometimes i completely forget about being abused.

But the second a memory is triggered.

I can recite the whole thing back to you.

In complete and utter detail.

Its kinda cool but really depressing.

Well its cool that my memory can be that good.

But the situation is just depressing all together!

I don’t know how these memories are triggered

and i don’t know when its gonna happen,

it just does.

And sometimes, there is no memory.

My mind fades to black

I think that’s one of the memories I’ve must’ve blocked out.

But i know its there.

I feel that its there.

I just cant see it.

And that’s when i breakdown most.

I wonder what horrible thing happened to me

to be so intense that I’ve blocked it out.

I want to know!

I remember being dragged by my hair

all the way into his room.

Just to be stomped all over my body.

Punched in my face repeatedly.

Spit on.

Had a gun put to my head.

Then raped.

Afterwards i was called gross.

Worthless.

Nasty.

I was the slut that no one would want!

Just writing that brings me to tears.

Its weird to read that over.

My mind just blanked!

I just had flashback

What happened?

What could be much worse then that?

What did i block out?

Would knowing make me better?

Is that the closure i need?

Hmp, why am i asking so many fucking questions

that ill never get the answer too?! 

Back to reality!

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Emotional Disaster

Currently in one of those moods where i feel like i need closure!

Closure from what or who you ask?

I have no fucking clue.

I just need it

I want it

I crave it

I MUST have it!

It’s all i need right now

and i don’t even know where to get it.

Ive recently been working on myself.

I’m attempting to better myself

be more motivated about life.

Be that amazing person i believe, and what my mother believed i could be.

My first order of business was to lose some weight

Yes, i know i just had a baby

but after i had my first daugther i couldn’t lose weight

I stayed at about 195lbs for the first 15 months of her life

i am currently, drum roll pleasssssssssssssse!

170lbs :] i have reached my first goal, just in time.

170 by September 1st my 1st wedding anniversary.

[which i will not be celebrating with my husband for obvious reasons]

My next goal is 160 by the time Chris comes home

Which is soon, so i better get on that shit.

[[yeah i know girls don’t really tell people what the weigh

but come on, seriously were talking about me here]]

Anyways my next order of business is to apologize to people i feel like need an apology.

And I’ve already started!

Ive recently apologized to an ex boyfriend

Honestly, i really didn’t have to apologize,

but it was kind of a bad breakup and i was a bitch.

It happened about 2 weeks after my mothers death.

[December 26th 2008]

And i was to myself i couldn’t stand being around people.

Sometimes i still cant.

And i will finally admit it.

Even though he broke up with me

i think i secretly pushed him to do it.

We had a perfect relationship and there was no reason in the world to break up.

But i made it happen, and i blamed him because I’m a bitch.

And once again i apologize for that.

And to anybody else I’ve ever been a bitch to.

Whether it was intentional or not.

I’m really not a bad person, I’m just going through some issues with life.

And when i let those issues build up, i tend to lash out!

Moving on to the next thing

I’m thinking about doing yoga.

Someone recently has suggested to me

I’m really considering it.

They told me, it has help them during there recovery

and obviously that’s what I’m trying to do

recover!

Its funny, i feel like I’m kinda rambling today.

Please don’t stop reading

I enjoy knowing people are reading my thoughts

random people at that.

It makes me feel like people care

I don’t think of ever had much of that in my life.

People caring.

People knew i was being abused, but did nothing about it.

[[and no I’m not talking about the people who’ve apologized to me

for having somewhat of a clue about it]]

I’m talking about my friends.

The ones i actually told, when i had a chance.

Do you not realize, i was asking for help?

I didn’t need a shoulder to lean on.

I was relying on a select few people to get me out.

I knew i couldn’t on my own

and they failed me.

But its okay, i survived, and I’m still surviving.

I understand, you shouldn’t get involved

Its a scary situation

sooo, yeah i forgive you.

[[i will note that one of my best friends mother did help me, and she’s actually the reason why I’m not in that situation anymore, and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. seriously if it wasn’t for you i would be dead right now. Your like a second mother to me, and i thank you!]]

But back to talking about recovery.

what do you think of when you think of recovery?

15 year old innocent me, thought of:

Drug addicts.

Alcoholics.

Cutters.

Anything that had to do with destroying your body.

22 year me thinks of:

Change.

Moving on.

Looking at life in a different perspective.

Actually loving life.

and appreciating those in it.

I want recovery!

I want innocent Camille back.

Who knew nothing of abuse.

Nothing of depression.

And nothing of anxiety.

I want change

I need change!

I’m crying.

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