Tag Archives: paranoid

Live to be loved


I don’t think ive ever stopped and gave myself a highfive for getting out of a toxic relationship.

I don’t think i’ve yet recognized I was even in one.

I know I was in one. 

But its hard to think YOU could be betrayed by someone you loved with your all.

It hurts right through the bone!


Straight through the freaking bone…


I’m speechless…


Lately, I’ve had nothing to say.


But its because I’ve felt weird…


That’s the only way I can explain it…


I’ve felt stupid.


How could I ever put myself in a sitiation like that?!


We can be so nieve at moments…


We want things to work out the way they do in our heads…


Some people just want to love and be loved…


That’s all I’ve ever wanted…


I just want to love


I want to live in a world filled with love…


Love is the greatest happiness of all…


Well…to me.


I’ll never feel truly loved


That’s completely ruined for me.


All I can do now, is try and make my own happiness and accept it…


I currently have my happiness


Now I just have to own it, appreciate it and accept it!

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Different kind of crazy!

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I’ve been feeling very ill lately
And when I say ill I mean fucking crazy!
You know how I’m increasingly getting paranoid about EVERYTHING!
Well lately I’ve found myself rushing through life
I’m ready to be like 80 something
Seeing all my children’s have made it healthy and happy
And I’ve made it healthy and happy
Clearly Chris is added to this growing old concept as well.
Since my mom’s death in ’08 I’ve slowly become very paranoid about death.
I’m afraid everyone around me will die!
I don’t think I’m built for heartache.
I’ve recently become very emotionless.
I find myself not reacting to things the way I should be
Almost like I’m not listening.
I just don’t want to hear it
I don’t want to hear about peoples everyday life
There struggles or their accomplishments.
I’m struggling enough reminiscing about my unaccomplishments and my successions.
I can’t go to sleep without at least 10 different death scenarios running through my mind!
I’m afraid to go outside due to getting physically sick.
I’m afraid to be around people due to getting physically sick.
I’m afraid of doing anything due to getting deathly sick!
I’m constantly washing my hands
My hands are so dry and cracked from constantly washing them and constantly using hand sanitizer.
I touch a bowl….. I wash my hands.
My hand grazes a piece of paper…. I wash my hands.
I rub my damn eye….I wash my hands!
Then I have to sanitize them after I touch the faucet.
I’m tired of these stages of getting worst.
At points I feel better, but then moments like this I realize
I’m not getting better I’m just transferring my actions to different crazies.
I know i hate my paranoid crazy stage
But I hate my “I want to crawl in my bed and hide under my pink pillow in my corner crying” stage even more!
I know that’s next….
I feel it coming…..
This is just the calm before the storm.

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Anticipation

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My anxiety is almost in full swing.
I’ve been so nervous lately.
I’ve been so sad.
I love my little corner of the bed yet despise it!
Its taken over my life.
I’m bored….
Constantly bored….
But I rather be bored in my little corner
Then dead or hurt or face the reality
Of having to face reality.
Having so many responsibilities becomes difficult
When you can barely face the world alone.
Picking up the phone to simple grocery shopping
Becomes a 2 person job.
My life revolves around waiting for Chris to have a day off.
Driving or just going to a doctors office.
Its nerve wrecking doing these things alone.
My anxieties have anxiety.
Shit! I can’t even take my kids to the park
Even other people’s kids scare me!
This is a ridiculous life to live by.
I almost feel like a burden
I rely on other people
And when I say other people
I mean Chris
I push everyone else away.
No one really understands, but him
And sometimes I think he’s given up on understanding.
Some people think how I feel are just excuses
Like I can just push myself into doing things.
I wish it was that easy…
It’s not… It’s far from easy.
It’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to face.
I hate feeling like I have 50,000 emotions running through my veins!
I rather the warmth of red wine and chocolate cake
While enjoying a fall breeze.
That’s my happy place.
I feel an attack coming on soon!
I’ve been so good lately
I’m totally dreading the
“I want to rip my hair out and scream all day” feeling.
But my emotions put up an eviction notice and it’s about that time.
I’m past due for a good scream!
Ah! nothing a little bit of wine can’t fix ; D

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Comatose

why so serious

I often wonder if this real life…..
Am I dreaming?
Did Justin hit me so hard that I’m in some sort of coma?
Is this what a coma feels like?
How did I go from a completely happy carefree life
To this garbage?
I’m not saying I’m not happy
But I’m not completely satisfied.
6 years from my mother’s passing is quickly approaching
And its still hard to believe she’s gone
She’s missing out on my life
My children’s lives
I don’t have someone to call up and express my concerns
There’s no mother of the bride for me
No one to do my yearly Christmas shopping with
I’ve never had any normalcy in my life.
that’s all I want, just one ounce of normalcy
I’ve realized I’ve never really made any good choices in my life.
Chris was probably my first great choice
But every choice I’ve made leading up to him
Has screwed me over
I’m talking like I’ve lived such a full life!
I’m only 24 but I feel like I’m 40
I grew up so fast!
I’ve learned not to trust anyone at a young age.
I not only became a parent as a child, but I also lost my parents as a child.
I’m scared of everything
People think I’m this amazing super mom figure.
Pshh….I’m far from it.
A super mom wouldn’t be afraid to leave the house!
Talk to people, have a job, get things done!
My anxieties restrict me from a lot.
My grandparents have seen my 3 sisters succeed at different things at life.
My grandparents are all we have.
I feel like I’m the one who has failed them.
There old, and I want them to feel comfortable knowing
I’ve done something great!
I’m finally doing something for myself!
I’m finally breaking out of my shell and no longer afraid.
But I’m far from that.
I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
It seems hopeless at this point.
I’m just ready to wake up from this nightmare already!
How the hell can I wake up from this coma!!!

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Existing in Existence

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I don’t understand

How people can just wake up and love themselves

Or even wake up and pretend to love themselves,
I try to do that ever so often
And in the end, i end up feeling gross and worthless
all over again
Its a never ending battle with myself
My weight keeps fluctuating
Because one minute i hate myself
then the next I’m okay
Then I’m okay for a long time
Then its to the point i forget how fat i was
And i eat and eat and eat
Because of my anxieties and depression.
I’m not trying to make this into a rant about my ongoing battle with being “fat”
But its the fact that
Sometimes i wake up rejuvenated ready for change.
I can feel that way for only so long
Then it hits me again.
I’m going no where.
Every things the same.
All my non existent problems are still there.
I cant wait to open my eyes
And see everything I’ve always wanted is right here.
But my mothers death is a constant reminder
I cant have everything.
It kills me.
I want everything!
Everybody wants everything.
What makes me special.
Nothing.
So ill just continue to mosey on
Pretending I’m going to eventually find what I’m looking for.
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Let me Enlighten you, While you Enlighten me!

Let me enlighten you!

I’m really going to try and explain this in semi detail for you guys.

Ill use a lot of comparisons, metaphors, what not!

Ok so, do you know that “You cant get mad at me, I’m not touching you”

game you probably played as a kid?

Well I’m that kid who “supposedly” wasn’t getting touched!

My anxiety, is like that kid breathing down your neck, or hoovering over your shoulder

while your trying to concentrate.

Its like that little kid following you

you can feel his every move

His body heat, dragging behind you!

Jittery.

Paranoid.

Scared.

Nervous.

Sweaty.

Hot.

Itchy.

My depression is like that fly, that wont go away!

You don’t see it for awhile but then it comes back.

You think you killed it but you didn’t.

It appears no matter where you go!

Its like Christmas.

Your so happy to open presents

just to findĀ out, you didn’t get what you wanted.

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Happiness.

Anger.

Hopeless.

Faithless.

Thoughtless.

Ugly.

My thoughts feel as if I’m doing a workout.

I’m tired, i want to stop..but i don’t.

I’m striving for something

so i push harder.

Racing.

Heart pounding.

Lost.

Blank.

Everywhere.

Puzzling.

My mood is like a chameleon.

Its constantly changing with the environment.

Refer back to Depression!

My OCD

makes me anxious, its trigger when my anxiety is.

Its that itch you cant scratch.

Nothing feels right

I have to touch you!

You have to touch me!

I have to touch it

PERFECTLY!

Open, close, open, close

My hands!

They don’t feel right

Open, close, open, close

Till they feel perfect

I really cant explain it, any better

It just happens, and i cant control it!

I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!

It feels like I’ve lost myself.

I am losing myself.

I lack personality.

I don’t know who i am anymore.

and its scares me.

Now enlighten me, tell me I’m normal!

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