It’s been a while, didn’t think we’d meet again

Feels like I’ve been sad my whole life.
This is never going to change
I’m going nowhere
And I’m at such a dead end with no beginning trail
I have officially circled back.
I’ve worked so hard to create the foundation that I now have
But I can’t find the path to my happy place
I’m so lost right now.
And almost don’t want to be found
What’s the point?
Well meet right back up where we started.
Back where I hate being
Back where I said I never wanted to go
But here we are
At nothingness
It’s exactly who I am and where I belong
It’s what I deserve
I am no good.
I can’t be saved
I’m seeing the pattern
I guess this is it
This is the reality I’ve been trying so hard to drown
The alcohol helped
I’m yearning for that feeling of blankness
That surge of warmth
The regret of drinking
Then drinking to unregret it
Because I’ll never remember.
I miss not remembering.
But now I’m in a trance
I cant make new memories
Only old ones
Im losing my mind
I’m losing myself
I’m just lost
Don’t come find me

Giving no ish

I’m fat and gross.

I need motivation.

The only motivation ill take right now, is from my best friend.

Hes no longer here, but sometimes I feel like he’s just ignoring me.

My depression took a toll on me and I stopped all contact with people.

Him, I regret the most 😦

He would be the one to tell me i was beautiful or I looked fine

For some reason I trusted his judgment.

Now that, thats gone im just depressed with no way up.

I’ve been feeling lonely.

I wish I had something familiar to attach myself to.

Chris is my familiar but I need something like “I knew your mom familiar”

I’ll never have that feeling, its been too long.

I honestly feel lost in paradise

I’m happy where I’m at =paradise

But im lost = my emptiness

I’m on 1 million 600 72 medications and finally feel like I found the right combo

I almost feel apart of the world just not quite there yet.

I need to find a way to put myself out into the world.

But its hard when your used to being alone.

I gaurentee if my mom was here I would have no insecurities

But at the same time I would take life for granted.

But honestly I rather my mom be here and a selfish bitch then momless and appreciative.

Sorry not sorry.

I would have a reason to be selfish, i’d have the love of my life plus my mom and dad.

Nothing is better then that, that’s as selfish as one can get

I dont know what I want anymore

I want everything I cant have.

That’s it!

I wish I just gave no shits

Just wash my hands of everything and everyone 😌

Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I dont know why.

My theory could be..

Because growing up food was a big deal.

Which has made me absolutely hate cooking.

But i love it at the same time ?

I loath a lot

Like a lot, a lot.

I’m starting to find myself but at the same time give no fucks.

I make no sense ever

Including now

No one understands me.

but I know everyone does at the same time

Were all a little crazy, a little off.

Were all a lot off.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we were all uniformed robots

Vs. Figuring out life on our own

(If your married or have some sort of spouse. Your still an individual person who makes there own thoughts and choices)

I’ve been going through it…

Making my own choices

I rather not though

I need someone to think for me

Tell me what to do

I need order

Because I’m a mess

A crazy no good for nothing mess of a person

But I’m guilty cause I’m not a mess

But feel guilty cause I feel a mess

I dont know what else to say

Besides I make no sense and this is going no where.

Have a nice day 😉

Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad

I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out

I’m so confused on what to do next

I just want the crying to stop

And the sleepless nights to end

When will the sun come out ?

I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day

And going to sleep to a stormy night

My brain is a giant storm cloud

And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis

Not even an umbrella can shield my pain

Gloom surrounds me

I move forward

Gloom moves forward

I try to ignore my thoughts

And here’s gloom ringing a bell shouting “did you miss me? I’m over here”!

I can’t seem to shut it off

I’ve been listening to music to bed, in hopes it overpowers everything

It only helps so much….

Why must I be so afraid of everything?

Looks like another sleepless night

I am Fear.

I’m not very good at being a person.

I’m always sad.

I’m always moody.

I cry a lot… alone.

I don’t like people, they make me feel uncomfortable.

I hate being in public.

I hate talking, but I just can’t stop.

My mind is always running and the only thing that seems to help is to talk over it.

I say things I’ll regret or repeat over and over in my head until I regret it.

I can never sleep right.

I always have one ear open

Every little noise wakes me up.

Once I’m awake, my mind goes right back to full blast!

I can’t make it stop

I thought I’d be cured by now

But I’m only getting worse.

I’m more afraid of life each passing day

And every morning I lay there and wonder what I’m going to find new about myself that day.

What new fear will come crashing into me

Just adding even more weight on my shoulders.

I can barely leave my house anymore.

I miss the sun.

I miss the breeze.

All my favorite things seem so far gone.

Including me.

KthxBye.

It’s so hard waking up in the morning

Knowing I have to start the day again.

I feel so empty yet so full inside.

I’m filled with fear and grief, sadness and hate, anger and confusion.

I’m filled with every emotion, pretty much

Besides contentment with a side of normalcy and a sprinkle of happiness.

I feel out of place and uncomfortable.

But that’s what happens when your afraid of everything on top of feeling alone.

In my feelings, in my life, inside my head

I’m being broken down piece by piece, day by day, year by year.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I’m under water, I can see the sun but it doesn’t matter.

I’m being weigh down by my thoughts.

I’m losing

I feel like I can’t see the sun anymore

I’m just surrounded by darkness

And instead of beautiful fish, all I see are ugly words of self hate.

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate feeling like a shell

I can’t do this anymore

I need my sanity back

I want ME back.

Tick Tock.

Don’t Trip.

Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get?

Like breathing, doing, and being.

Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted.

I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does.

My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little.

You would think I would know by now that tomorrow is never promised, but no, my brain says cut everyone off until I can get out of this funk.

Well that didn’t work out so well.

Fast forward to a couple of months of unfriendships, then one of my best friends passed away.

Pretty much how he always described to me he would.

ALONE.

I kick myself everyday over it.

What if I talked to him more over the months?

Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as broken as it is now.

I took HIS life for granted.

I assumed he’d always be there for me.

As I should’ve for him.

What’s worse is, because of his death I’m shutting myself out from the rest of the world even more!

Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves and never comes back.

Some literally and physically will never come back and others just make certain fuck it choices in life.

If I distance myself and stop Opening my very big heart to people, the less it’ll have to eventually break.

I hate crying, I hate hurting, I hate the ache in my heart I feel when it cracks a little more.

I want to talk to my best friend.

He never failed to make my heart feel warm.

He was the glass of wine coursing through my veins.

He would make me belly laugh on a day filled with tears.

He made everything feel like life was going to be ok even though he never practiced what he preached.

He gave me the light that I needed to guide me through my troubles.

He was my light, and now it’s gone out….

I don’t know where to go next, or even what to do.

My heart is telling me, to continue to love and open itself, but my brain is insisting I be alone.

Not everyone is meant for a life full of happiness.

What’s funny is, I necessarily dont even want true happiness.

I want contentment.

I want peace.

I want the freedom to open up my heart and my mind and not have to regret a thing.

I want to love and accept love without question.

I want to just live my life, instead of being so scared.

I live in fear, because I choose to live in fear.

When will i finally wake up.

I continue to trap myself in my own trap.

It’s a never ending cycle.

Sleep is for Suckers!

I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

Comfortably Uncomfortable

 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.

Ridiculous Thoughts

I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..