Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad

I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out

I’m so confused on what to do next

I just want the crying to stop

And the sleepless nights to end

When will the sun come out ?

I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day

And going to sleep to a stormy night

My brain is a giant storm cloud

And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis

Not even an umbrella can shield my pain

Gloom surrounds me

I move forward

Gloom moves forward

I try to ignore my thoughts

And here’s gloom ringing a bell shouting “did you miss me? I’m over here”!

I can’t seem to shut it off

I’ve been listening to music to bed, in hopes it overpowers everything

It only helps so much….

Why must I be so afraid of everything?

Looks like another sleepless night :/

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

I am Fear.

I’m not very good at being a person.

I’m always sad.

I’m always moody.

I cry a lot… alone.

I don’t like people, they make me feel uncomfortable.

I hate being in public.

I hate talking, but I just can’t stop.

My mind is always running and the only thing that seems to help is to talk over it.

I say things I’ll regret or repeat over and over in my head until I regret it.

I can never sleep right.

I always have one ear open

Every little noise wakes me up.

Once I’m awake, my mind goes right back to full blast!

I can’t make it stop

I thought I’d be cured by now

But I’m only getting worse.

I’m more afraid of life each passing day

And every morning I lay there and wonder what I’m going to find new about myself that day.

What new fear will come crashing into me

Just adding even more weight on my shoulders.

I can barely leave my house anymore.

I miss the sun.

I miss the breeze.

All my favorite things seem so far gone.

Including me.

Tagged , , , , , ,

KthxBye.

It’s so hard waking up in the morning

Knowing I have to start the day again.

I feel so empty yet so full inside.

I’m filled with fear and grief, sadness and hate, anger and confusion.

I’m filled with every emotion, pretty much

Besides contentment with a side of normalcy and a sprinkle of happiness.

I feel out of place and uncomfortable.

But that’s what happens when your afraid of everything on top of feeling alone.

In my feelings, in my life, inside my head

I’m being broken down piece by piece, day by day, year by year.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I’m under water, I can see the sun but it doesn’t matter.

I’m being weigh down by my thoughts.

I’m losing

I feel like I can’t see the sun anymore

I’m just surrounded by darkness

And instead of beautiful fish, all I see are ugly words of self hate.

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate feeling like a shell

I can’t do this anymore

I need my sanity back

I want ME back.

Tick Tock.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Don’t Trip.

Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get?

Like breathing, doing, and being.

Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted.

I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does.

My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little.

You would think I would know by now that tomorrow is never promised, but no, my brain says cut everyone off until I can get out of this funk.

Well that didn’t work out so well.

Fast forward to a couple of months of unfriendships, then one of my best friends passed away.

Pretty much how he always described to me he would.

ALONE.

I kick myself everyday over it.

What if I talked to him more over the months?

Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as broken as it is now.

I took HIS life for granted.

I assumed he’d always be there for me.

As I should’ve for him.

What’s worse is, because of his death I’m shutting myself out from the rest of the world even more!

Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves and never comes back.

Some literally and physically will never come back and others just make certain fuck it choices in life.

If I distance myself and stop Opening my very big heart to people, the less it’ll have to eventually break.

I hate crying, I hate hurting, I hate the ache in my heart I feel when it cracks a little more.

I want to talk to my best friend.

He never failed to make my heart feel warm.

He was the glass of wine coursing through my veins.

He would make me belly laugh on a day filled with tears.

He made everything feel like life was going to be ok even though he never practiced what he preached.

He gave me the light that I needed to guide me through my troubles.

He was my light, and now it’s gone out….

I don’t know where to go next, or even what to do.

My heart is telling me, to continue to love and open itself, but my brain is insisting I be alone.

Not everyone is meant for a life full of happiness.

What’s funny is, I necessarily dont even want true happiness.

I want contentment.

I want peace.

I want the freedom to open up my heart and my mind and not have to regret a thing.

I want to love and accept love without question.

I want to just live my life, instead of being so scared.

I live in fear, because I choose to live in fear.

When will i finally wake up.

I continue to trap myself in my own trap.

It’s a never ending cycle.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Sleep is for Suckers!

3

I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

FB_IMG_1481294438410

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Comfortably Uncomfortable

1.jpg

 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.

tumblr_nzep4tAfiW1uazmayo1_1280

Tagged , , , , , ,

Ridiculous Thoughts

1

I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

life2

Tagged , , , , , ,

Before And After

1

I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better 😉

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself 🙂

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

———————————————

According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with  myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

life-4

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Live to be loved


I don’t think ive ever stopped and gave myself a highfive for getting out of a toxic relationship.

I don’t think i’ve yet recognized I was even in one.

I know I was in one. 

But its hard to think YOU could be betrayed by someone you loved with your all.

It hurts right through the bone!


Straight through the freaking bone…


I’m speechless…


Lately, I’ve had nothing to say.


But its because I’ve felt weird…


That’s the only way I can explain it…


I’ve felt stupid.


How could I ever put myself in a sitiation like that?!


We can be so nieve at moments…


We want things to work out the way they do in our heads…


Some people just want to love and be loved…


That’s all I’ve ever wanted…


I just want to love


I want to live in a world filled with love…


Love is the greatest happiness of all…


Well…to me.


I’ll never feel truly loved


That’s completely ruined for me.


All I can do now, is try and make my own happiness and accept it…


I currently have my happiness


Now I just have to own it, appreciate it and accept it!

Tagged , , , , , , ,

#Fail

1

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. 

But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.

Everything I do turns to dust!

It disintegrates….

Dissolves into nothingness.

In a nutshell

MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!

Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.

I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.

There’s no going back for me!

Camille’s gone with no sign of return.

All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.

dark

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements