Sleep is for Suckers!

I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

Comfortably Uncomfortable

 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.

Ridiculous Thoughts

I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

Before And After

I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better 😉

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself 🙂

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

———————————————

According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with  myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

Live to be loved

I don’t think ive ever stopped and gave myself a highfive for getting out of a toxic relationship.

I don’t think i’ve yet recognized I was even in one.

I know I was in one. 

But its hard to think YOU could be betrayed by someone you loved with your all.

It hurts right through the bone!

Straight through the freaking bone…

I’m speechless…

Lately, I’ve had nothing to say.

But its because I’ve felt weird…

That’s the only way I can explain it…

I’ve felt stupid.

How could I ever put myself in a sitiation like that?!

We can be so nieve at moments…

We want things to work out the way they do in our heads…

Some people just want to love and be loved…

That’s all I’ve ever wanted…

I just want to love

I want to live in a world filled with love…

Love is the greatest happiness of all…

Well…to me.

I’ll never feel truly loved

That’s completely ruined for me.

All I can do now, is try and make my own happiness and accept it…

I currently have my happiness

Now I just have to own it, appreciate it and accept it!

#Fail

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. 

But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.

Everything I do turns to dust!

It disintegrates….

Dissolves into nothingness.

In a nutshell

MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!

Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.

I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.

There’s no going back for me!

Camille’s gone with no sign of return.

All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.

Forever Uncertain

It’s funny, once a loved one dies you end up thinking about them more often

then you did when they were around…. 

It’s almost June 2nd, which means…my mothers 50 something birthday.

Yesss! I’ve lost track, but I don’t want to count anymore

but its been around 7 years….

It’s been too long!

It’s around that time, all i want to do is talk to her

but then again…..it’s always around that time.

I’m usually good for so many months, then everything

wrong with me, hits me at once…………

Everything in my life has hit me all at once!

I’m forever fucked!

I just want to forget and move on…

I lack emotions, but i lack them towards reality.

Towards…RIGHT NOW!

I push those who need me now away, because I can’t deal.

I just don’t want to deal.

I never want to deal again!

NEVER!!!! In my life…..

I’m so conflicted!

I’m sure i’ll never give a shit.

Haha EVER!!!!

But about reality……

Some people are born with emotions

And some are born with none.

 I was born, forever conflicted about life….

WHILE NOT GIVING A SHIT!!!!

FOREVER ALONE…

FOREVER WITH MYSELF…

FOREVER IN LIMBO

FOREVER….ALONE

And it will remain that way…

FOREVER….

 

Simply….Crazy!

I’ve been feeling a little off lately 

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands…. 

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises! 

 

Hello….from the other side of Crazy!

I’ve concluded…

I’m crazy!

For once i’m having no thoughts.

I don’t feel good nor bad.

I’m in limbo right now

defiantly a strange feeling.

I honestly don’t like it one bit!

I feel super uncomfy.

I miss my mom right now

but at the same time I feel super content.

I hate literally my whole teenage years

well lack of.

but its been so long!

Then again, life shouldn’t of happened so early.

My life is passing by so quickly.

I’m falling to pieces mentally

but I’m going through stages when I catch myself

falling……………………………..

and I stop myself.

I seriously stop myself (puke)

I’m clearly not as insane as I think I am

but that’s the problem.

I want one or the fucking other.

Whats more fucked up then feeling crazy…

Is not knowing whether your actually crazy.

My secret is, I know i am.

I just know how to control it.

Is that possible?

Does that make me more crazy?

Seriously…does it?

Like what am i?

Can someone please tell me they go through the same phases of life….

Take a Deep Breath and SCREAM!

I’ve been feeling a little non filtery lately….

A tad too unfiltery lately.

I increasing don’t give a shit, if you haven’t noticed.

Each and everyday

I feel myself smiling more….on the INSIDE.

I feel a warmth inside of me.

It feels good to be bitter and kind of not give a shit.

((((evil laugh))))

It almost feels like when your drinking wine (tequila, rum, whatever you alcohol of choice maybe) and hit that “I should stop drinking now, if I want to stay content” tipsy feeling.

I’m currently going through another phase

Which I’ve just noticed I haven’t really touched up on yet.

Things piss me off.

A lot of shit pisses me off.

Its honestly probably super easy to piss me off.

But lately, it just seems so freaking hilarious.

I’ve been super amused by people’s stupidity

and what the fuck actions!

Getting me annoyed plus no filter equals my entertainment. 

I’m slowly becoming cold as ice

but it seems like such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I must continue with my non emotionless ways.

I can’t go anywhere but up if i’m at the bottom, right?

I enjoy not giving a shit.

And i’m learning to enjoy not giving a shit

But i don’t at the same time.

It goes hand and hand with my anxiety.

Is it weird that I worry about everything but don’t worry about things that are in my control?

Now my next step is to get rid of my conscientiousness

that’s not a good thing though.

I’m a mean person.

I’ve always been a mean person.

I’m getting torn into two different people.

My mother and my father!

I’ve been my mother for so long 

and i can feel my fathers personality just yearning to come out!

I’m literally like 6 different people actually.

NOT 1….NOT 2….NOT 3…BUT 6.

I don’t even know what the freak the rest of my personalities are, but they’re there.

I personally know they’re there.

There developing…slowly, waiting to come out and reek havoc!

I want to cause chaos, confusion and delay.

I’m trying to delay the inevitable.

The test is how long can I hold out?