It’s been a while, didn’t think we’d meet again

Feels like I’ve been sad my whole life.
This is never going to change
I’m going nowhere
And I’m at such a dead end with no beginning trail
I have officially circled back.
I’ve worked so hard to create the foundation that I now have
But I can’t find the path to my happy place
I’m so lost right now.
And almost don’t want to be found
What’s the point?
Well meet right back up where we started.
Back where I hate being
Back where I said I never wanted to go
But here we are
At nothingness
It’s exactly who I am and where I belong
It’s what I deserve
I am no good.
I can’t be saved
I’m seeing the pattern
I guess this is it
This is the reality I’ve been trying so hard to drown
The alcohol helped
I’m yearning for that feeling of blankness
That surge of warmth
The regret of drinking
Then drinking to unregret it
Because I’ll never remember.
I miss not remembering.
But now I’m in a trance
I cant make new memories
Only old ones
Im losing my mind
I’m losing myself
I’m just lost
Don’t come find me

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Giving no ish

I’m fat and gross.

I need motivation.

The only motivation ill take right now, is from my best friend.

Hes no longer here, but sometimes I feel like he’s just ignoring me.

My depression took a toll on me and I stopped all contact with people.

Him, I regret the most 😦

He would be the one to tell me i was beautiful or I looked fine

For some reason I trusted his judgment.

Now that, thats gone im just depressed with no way up.

I’ve been feeling lonely.

I wish I had something familiar to attach myself to.

Chris is my familiar but I need something like “I knew your mom familiar”

I’ll never have that feeling, its been too long.

I honestly feel lost in paradise

I’m happy where I’m at =paradise

But im lost = my emptiness

I’m on 1 million 600 72 medications and finally feel like I found the right combo

I almost feel apart of the world just not quite there yet.

I need to find a way to put myself out into the world.

But its hard when your used to being alone.

I gaurentee if my mom was here I would have no insecurities

But at the same time I would take life for granted.

But honestly I rather my mom be here and a selfish bitch then momless and appreciative.

Sorry not sorry.

I would have a reason to be selfish, i’d have the love of my life plus my mom and dad.

Nothing is better then that, that’s as selfish as one can get

I dont know what I want anymore

I want everything I cant have.

That’s it!

I wish I just gave no shits

Just wash my hands of everything and everyone 😌

Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I dont know why.

My theory could be..

Because growing up food was a big deal.

Which has made me absolutely hate cooking.

But i love it at the same time ?

I loath a lot

Like a lot, a lot.

I’m starting to find myself but at the same time give no fucks.

I make no sense ever

Including now

No one understands me.

but I know everyone does at the same time

Were all a little crazy, a little off.

Were all a lot off.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we were all uniformed robots

Vs. Figuring out life on our own

(If your married or have some sort of spouse. Your still an individual person who makes there own thoughts and choices)

I’ve been going through it…

Making my own choices

I rather not though

I need someone to think for me

Tell me what to do

I need order

Because I’m a mess

A crazy no good for nothing mess of a person

But I’m guilty cause I’m not a mess

But feel guilty cause I feel a mess

I dont know what else to say

Besides I make no sense and this is going no where.

Have a nice day 😉

Feeling hopeless….

Im hopeless

Everything is hopeless

Why do i try

Ive been going through this too long

But like, ive been going through it a long time

Im over it

Why can’t i be happy without flash backs

Im broken forever

I set myself up for failure

Forever

This will never end

NEVER!

Ever…..

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that im free from all that bullshit

Its been a long time

And im safe

For what i feel like is for now

Always in the back of my mind, someone’s going to hurt me

Ive been feeling down lately

More then ever

But i keep on trucking.

I want to cry 24/7

I cant

im stronger then that

I’ve built up that wall

It’ll never get knocked down

Unless it gets knocked down

Hopefully that’ll never happen

Im loved but feel like i did 12 years ago

CRAP

When does it end?

How am i so traumatized?

im better and stronger then that

I have no creativity left

i have no heart left

i have no drive left

Im over this feeling and my feelings are over this feeling

Whats next????

Flashback Saturday

Soooo i had a flashback today

It was horrible

I found photos of javon as a baby

I cried, i miss him being my little baby thats about to be 13

I did cry

But not for the flashback of him being a baby

5hrs later i had a flashback

It was of me holding javon in my arms and my ex punching me in the face for 30 mins ranting

Idk what he was ranting about but i remember sitting there holding my little 2 month old baby in my arms

Just taking it

Hoping he wouldn’t hurt the baby

Im not a prayer but i wished it would end and we’d both be fine

It was horrible and couldn’t do anything but sit there cause i knew if i moved let a lone cry id get beat more

Yeah you read that right, if i cried i got beat, if i didnt cry i got beat cause it didn’t effect me

Over the years i’ve learned to have no emotions but cry years later when life hits me

Im not crier but i cried because yeah. It was a flashback

I didn’t cry hard

Held back tears because of Chris

I’ve put him through enough over the years and I’m trying hard to get better

It obviously effected me enough to write this post

Im going to have a bad week

It’ll be filled with flashbacks and i know it

Im already over it

I dont want to cry

Or mourn my past life

Im happy now and wish this feeling would go away

Isn’t 13 years of hell enough?

I remember the first time i got hit

It was august 13, 2006

My birthday

I Was literally slammed onto my bed at about 7 months pregnant

I should’ve left then

I told my parents and they drove him home

I told them the next day i lied

I loved him so much

Im happy, extremely happy where i am today

But im still terrified one day he’ll show up

He wasn’t a terrible person, he had a fun personality and was great to be with

But i guess that something great isn’t always what it seems to be

I guess where im getting to is, just get to know the person your with

Sometimes things aren’t what it seems

Please check up on your loved ones

If things seem out of wack ask them, then ask them again

I lied cause i thought i was in  love

Your loved ones probably are too

But if you get a sense of something wrong say something

Sorry for the doubts but you never know, people hide what they love

I know i did

Being a person is hard

Face Everything And Rise

Been feeling crappy lately.

Anxiety through the roof

Paranoid like crazy

I’m slowly slumping towards depression

I cant sleep, I cant think

I’m surprised I can even breathe right now.

I’ve been thinking about my PTSD lately and I think it’s making me more on edge.

It’s weird to say I have ptsd out loud.

Growing up you dont even have a second thought that this would be life.

I feel like a burden to everyone in my life, including people I dont know.

I think I’m annoying

And I pace around too much

I’m constantly looking out my window or over my shoulder

Because you know, someone is going to kill me (that’s my paranoia talking)

I just want to go back to a peaceful mind and life.

I barely leave my house.

I’m afraid to drive.

I’m afraid theres going to be a shooting somewhere

Or someone is going to rape me or hurt me in some way.

Life is fucking scary

I dont think I was born ready for this shit.

I have no choice now.

I’m going to be 29 this year.

At this point I just need to keep on trucking and getting my mind shit squared away.

I’m a strong woman but just lost sight of it.

I promise myself I will NOT become my ptsd.

I WILL NOT become my ptsd!

This will not be my life forever

Ptsd will not forever be in my life, it just cant be.

Missing You

I’m sitting here.

Wishing my best friend was here.

I have other best friends, but I want you!

You were my rock.

You were me.

I feel like I can never go on without you.

but i’m wrong.

I have to no matter what.

I didn’t realize, how important you were until you were gone.

I ruin everything.

Relationships.

Even just breathing.

I never realized how whole I was with you.

and now that i’m without you, I feel empty.

life passes you by, without a care.

but I care, unfortunately only at the moment.

I cant be the only one, who only cares sometimes.

Life passes you by, and you never know, who’s not going to be there.

I catch your drift…..

But its still not comprehending to my soul.

Life passes you by.

Nothing is guaranteed.

Life isn’t guaranteed

I’m not even guaranteed,

I could be gone tomorrow….

But would anyone notice ?!

I miss my best friend

I notice ….

He didn’t think anyone would….

But i notice…..

What is life ?!

Why is life the way it is?!

The world may never know….

Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad

I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out

I’m so confused on what to do next

I just want the crying to stop

And the sleepless nights to end

When will the sun come out ?

I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day

And going to sleep to a stormy night

My brain is a giant storm cloud

And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis

Not even an umbrella can shield my pain

Gloom surrounds me

I move forward

Gloom moves forward

I try to ignore my thoughts

And here’s gloom ringing a bell shouting “did you miss me? I’m over here”!

I can’t seem to shut it off

I’ve been listening to music to bed, in hopes it overpowers everything

It only helps so much….

Why must I be so afraid of everything?

Looks like another sleepless night

I am Fear.

I’m not very good at being a person.

I’m always sad.

I’m always moody.

I cry a lot… alone.

I don’t like people, they make me feel uncomfortable.

I hate being in public.

I hate talking, but I just can’t stop.

My mind is always running and the only thing that seems to help is to talk over it.

I say things I’ll regret or repeat over and over in my head until I regret it.

I can never sleep right.

I always have one ear open

Every little noise wakes me up.

Once I’m awake, my mind goes right back to full blast!

I can’t make it stop

I thought I’d be cured by now

But I’m only getting worse.

I’m more afraid of life each passing day

And every morning I lay there and wonder what I’m going to find new about myself that day.

What new fear will come crashing into me

Just adding even more weight on my shoulders.

I can barely leave my house anymore.

I miss the sun.

I miss the breeze.

All my favorite things seem so far gone.

Including me.

KthxBye.

It’s so hard waking up in the morning

Knowing I have to start the day again.

I feel so empty yet so full inside.

I’m filled with fear and grief, sadness and hate, anger and confusion.

I’m filled with every emotion, pretty much

Besides contentment with a side of normalcy and a sprinkle of happiness.

I feel out of place and uncomfortable.

But that’s what happens when your afraid of everything on top of feeling alone.

In my feelings, in my life, inside my head

I’m being broken down piece by piece, day by day, year by year.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I’m under water, I can see the sun but it doesn’t matter.

I’m being weigh down by my thoughts.

I’m losing

I feel like I can’t see the sun anymore

I’m just surrounded by darkness

And instead of beautiful fish, all I see are ugly words of self hate.

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate feeling like a shell

I can’t do this anymore

I need my sanity back

I want ME back.

Tick Tock.