Euphoria

So believe it or not

My mood is at a 9 !!!

I’ve been feeling good, feeling great!

So I figured why not tell you about my manic episode back in Sept.

Sit down as I tell you a little story.

It all started when I got the wrong Chinese food

Usually people would be pissed but not me.

I had the biggest smile across my face and ate that shit like no tomorrow

Weird right?

Probably not

Until you keep hearing the rest of the story.

From that second on, I felt nothing but true happiness. Euphoric almost.

I was on cloud 9, I couldn’t cry I had no feeling but happy.

Who wouldn’t want that right ?

Well then that happiness turned into everything was sexualized.

I couldn’t even drive, everything felt like a penis.

Yes you read that right.

Everything was just a big penis

Redbull, penis

Broom, penis.

Anything I could grasp was a freaking penis and it got even worse

I started to dress different, talk different I felt like I had control of everyone and everything, I was the shit.

Moving on to it increasingly getting worse.

I told myself and chris “if this doesn’t go away in a month I’ll do something about it”.

Probably 3 weeks in I started uncontrollably moaning and would have ticks.

Sexual ticks

I would say very very naughty things without even thinking

Ever scent that smelt good brought me to my knees

At one point I felt like a dominatrix

Then towards October it got to the point of no control my ticks then turned into love sighs

I felt so in love with Chris, I literally kissed the ground he walked on.

Just mentioning his name made me sigh “oh chris my love, isn’t he sweet”

I did that uncontrollably until me and chris thought hey let’s make a psych app online.

Within mins of the app the Dr told me to head to the hospital even urged to call me an ambulance

We declined cause we live literally 5 mins away.

So we go and I get put on a 72hr hold ( I went in Oct 4th and stayed until Oct 10th)

Wait forgot to mention this. This is very important the back of my head also hurt like I was hit with a bat. And when I touched that spot, I fell to my knees instantly. Once I realized this I realized why it was hard for me to go to sleep at night literally moaning in my sleep.

Ok back to the hospital part.

I’m at the hospital and the Dr is looking at me like I’m crazy pretty much acts like he’s never seen anything like it.

I get blood work done, get a CT scan and get put on meds.

Once I’m put on meds my life literally changed

Literally a full spin and I can finally cry. Before I was literally cry laughing. I couldn’t feel anger, sadness. Nothing just sexual frustration from increasingly becoming out of control and euphoria.

Euphoria sounds like a blast but now that I witnessed it, it’s miserable.

I was so sad being happy all the time.

I realized you need your emotions to control yourself mentally.

Since having this experience I have felt great

I’m taking care of me and now I know you need to go through the motions of life

The ups and downs even if, it feels like there’s more bads then goods.

I’m happy I have an official diagnosis bi polar disorder and I’m on the right meds.

I haven’t written a blog post in so long but you all know how depressed I was

I’m about to be 33 years old in August and I feel like I have everything I need/want

I’m happy and content and can’t believe I’ve ever complained about anything

I am here on this earth healthy and able bodied

I have a clear mind and a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen

I have amazingly kind children who have the loving heart my mother passed down to me

I have my wonderful sisters and grandmother here on earth with me.

I am living the life and living proof happiness comes in due time

Just wait for it. Stop pushing for it to happen.

Let it fall into your lap and enjoy the little things ❤

I’m honestly keeping out a lot of info because my whole experience was very sexual but if you have any questions about my experience feel free to message me. I’m more then happy to talk 🥰

Giving no ish

I’m fat and gross.

I need motivation.

The only motivation ill take right now, is from my best friend.

Hes no longer here, but sometimes I feel like he’s just ignoring me.

My depression took a toll on me and I stopped all contact with people.

Him, I regret the most 😦

He would be the one to tell me i was beautiful or I looked fine

For some reason I trusted his judgment.

Now that, thats gone im just depressed with no way up.

I’ve been feeling lonely.

I wish I had something familiar to attach myself to.

Chris is my familiar but I need something like “I knew your mom familiar”

I’ll never have that feeling, its been too long.

I honestly feel lost in paradise

I’m happy where I’m at =paradise

But im lost = my emptiness

I’m on 1 million 600 72 medications and finally feel like I found the right combo

I almost feel apart of the world just not quite there yet.

I need to find a way to put myself out into the world.

But its hard when your used to being alone.

I gaurentee if my mom was here I would have no insecurities

But at the same time I would take life for granted.

But honestly I rather my mom be here and a selfish bitch then momless and appreciative.

Sorry not sorry.

I would have a reason to be selfish, i’d have the love of my life plus my mom and dad.

Nothing is better then that, that’s as selfish as one can get

I dont know what I want anymore

I want everything I cant have.

That’s it!

I wish I just gave no shits

Just wash my hands of everything and everyone 😌

Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I dont know why.

My theory could be..

Because growing up food was a big deal.

Which has made me absolutely hate cooking.

But i love it at the same time ?

I loath a lot

Like a lot, a lot.

I’m starting to find myself but at the same time give no fucks.

I make no sense ever

Including now

No one understands me.

but I know everyone does at the same time

Were all a little crazy, a little off.

Were all a lot off.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we were all uniformed robots

Vs. Figuring out life on our own

(If your married or have some sort of spouse. Your still an individual person who makes there own thoughts and choices)

I’ve been going through it…

Making my own choices

I rather not though

I need someone to think for me

Tell me what to do

I need order

Because I’m a mess

A crazy no good for nothing mess of a person

But I’m guilty cause I’m not a mess

But feel guilty cause I feel a mess

I dont know what else to say

Besides I make no sense and this is going no where.

Have a nice day 😉

Missing You

I’m sitting here.

Wishing my best friend was here.

I have other best friends, but I want you!

You were my rock.

You were me.

I feel like I can never go on without you.

but i’m wrong.

I have to no matter what.

I didn’t realize, how important you were until you were gone.

I ruin everything.

Relationships.

Even just breathing.

I never realized how whole I was with you.

and now that i’m without you, I feel empty.

life passes you by, without a care.

but I care, unfortunately only at the moment.

I cant be the only one, who only cares sometimes.

Life passes you by, and you never know, who’s not going to be there.

I catch your drift…..

But its still not comprehending to my soul.

Life passes you by.

Nothing is guaranteed.

Life isn’t guaranteed

I’m not even guaranteed,

I could be gone tomorrow….

But would anyone notice ?!

I miss my best friend

I notice ….

He didn’t think anyone would….

But i notice…..

What is life ?!

Why is life the way it is?!

The world may never know….

Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad

I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out

I’m so confused on what to do next

I just want the crying to stop

And the sleepless nights to end

When will the sun come out ?

I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day

And going to sleep to a stormy night

My brain is a giant storm cloud

And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis

Not even an umbrella can shield my pain

Gloom surrounds me

I move forward

Gloom moves forward

I try to ignore my thoughts

And here’s gloom ringing a bell shouting “did you miss me? I’m over here”!

I can’t seem to shut it off

I’ve been listening to music to bed, in hopes it overpowers everything

It only helps so much….

Why must I be so afraid of everything?

Looks like another sleepless night

I am Fear.

I’m not very good at being a person.

I’m always sad.

I’m always moody.

I cry a lot… alone.

I don’t like people, they make me feel uncomfortable.

I hate being in public.

I hate talking, but I just can’t stop.

My mind is always running and the only thing that seems to help is to talk over it.

I say things I’ll regret or repeat over and over in my head until I regret it.

I can never sleep right.

I always have one ear open

Every little noise wakes me up.

Once I’m awake, my mind goes right back to full blast!

I can’t make it stop

I thought I’d be cured by now

But I’m only getting worse.

I’m more afraid of life each passing day

And every morning I lay there and wonder what I’m going to find new about myself that day.

What new fear will come crashing into me

Just adding even more weight on my shoulders.

I can barely leave my house anymore.

I miss the sun.

I miss the breeze.

All my favorite things seem so far gone.

Including me.

KthxBye.

It’s so hard waking up in the morning

Knowing I have to start the day again.

I feel so empty yet so full inside.

I’m filled with fear and grief, sadness and hate, anger and confusion.

I’m filled with every emotion, pretty much

Besides contentment with a side of normalcy and a sprinkle of happiness.

I feel out of place and uncomfortable.

But that’s what happens when your afraid of everything on top of feeling alone.

In my feelings, in my life, inside my head

I’m being broken down piece by piece, day by day, year by year.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I’m under water, I can see the sun but it doesn’t matter.

I’m being weigh down by my thoughts.

I’m losing

I feel like I can’t see the sun anymore

I’m just surrounded by darkness

And instead of beautiful fish, all I see are ugly words of self hate.

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate feeling like a shell

I can’t do this anymore

I need my sanity back

I want ME back.

Tick Tock.

Don’t Trip.

Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get?

Like breathing, doing, and being.

Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted.

I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does.

My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little.

You would think I would know by now that tomorrow is never promised, but no, my brain says cut everyone off until I can get out of this funk.

Well that didn’t work out so well.

Fast forward to a couple of months of unfriendships, then one of my best friends passed away.

Pretty much how he always described to me he would.

ALONE.

I kick myself everyday over it.

What if I talked to him more over the months?

Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as broken as it is now.

I took HIS life for granted.

I assumed he’d always be there for me.

As I should’ve for him.

What’s worse is, because of his death I’m shutting myself out from the rest of the world even more!

Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves and never comes back.

Some literally and physically will never come back and others just make certain fuck it choices in life.

If I distance myself and stop Opening my very big heart to people, the less it’ll have to eventually break.

I hate crying, I hate hurting, I hate the ache in my heart I feel when it cracks a little more.

I want to talk to my best friend.

He never failed to make my heart feel warm.

He was the glass of wine coursing through my veins.

He would make me belly laugh on a day filled with tears.

He made everything feel like life was going to be ok even though he never practiced what he preached.

He gave me the light that I needed to guide me through my troubles.

He was my light, and now it’s gone out….

I don’t know where to go next, or even what to do.

My heart is telling me, to continue to love and open itself, but my brain is insisting I be alone.

Not everyone is meant for a life full of happiness.

What’s funny is, I necessarily dont even want true happiness.

I want contentment.

I want peace.

I want the freedom to open up my heart and my mind and not have to regret a thing.

I want to love and accept love without question.

I want to just live my life, instead of being so scared.

I live in fear, because I choose to live in fear.

When will i finally wake up.

I continue to trap myself in my own trap.

It’s a never ending cycle.

Sleep is for Suckers!

I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

Comfortably Uncomfortable

 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.