Tag Archives: crazy

Ridiculous Thoughts

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I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

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Hello….from the other side of Crazy!

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I’ve concluded…

I’m crazy!

For once i’m having no thoughts.

I don’t feel good nor bad.

I’m in limbo right now

defiantly a strange feeling.

I honestly don’t like it one bit!

I feel super uncomfy.

I miss my mom right now

but at the same time I feel super content.

I hate literally my whole teenage years

well lack of.

but its been so long!

Then again, life shouldn’t of happened so early.

My life is passing by so quickly.

I’m falling to pieces mentally

but I’m going through stages when I catch myself

falling……………………………..

and I stop myself.

I seriously stop myself (puke)

I’m clearly not as insane as I think I am

but that’s the problem.

I want one or the fucking other.

Whats more fucked up then feeling crazy…

Is not knowing whether your actually crazy.

My secret is, I know i am.

I just know how to control it.

Is that possible?

Does that make me more crazy?

Seriously…does it?

Like what am i?

Can someone please tell me they go through the same phases of life….

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Take a Deep Breath and SCREAM!

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I’ve been feeling a little non filtery lately….

A tad too unfiltery lately.

I increasing don’t give a shit, if you haven’t noticed.

Each and everyday

I feel myself smiling more….on the INSIDE.

I feel a warmth inside of me.

It feels good to be bitter and kind of not give a shit.

((((evil laugh))))

It almost feels like when your drinking wine (tequila, rum, whatever you alcohol of choice maybe) and hit that “I should stop drinking now, if I want to stay content” tipsy feeling.

I’m currently going through another phase

Which I’ve just noticed I haven’t really touched up on yet.

Things piss me off.

A lot of shit pisses me off.

Its honestly probably super easy to piss me off.

But lately, it just seems so freaking hilarious.

I’ve been super amused by people’s stupidity

and what the fuck actions!

Getting me annoyed plus no filter equals my entertainment. 

I’m slowly becoming cold as ice

but it seems like such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I must continue with my non emotionless ways.

I can’t go anywhere but up if i’m at the bottom, right?

I enjoy not giving a shit.

And i’m learning to enjoy not giving a shit

But i don’t at the same time.

It goes hand and hand with my anxiety.

Is it weird that I worry about everything but don’t worry about things that are in my control?

Now my next step is to get rid of my conscientiousness

that’s not a good thing though.

I’m a mean person.

I’ve always been a mean person.

I’m getting torn into two different people.

My mother and my father!

I’ve been my mother for so long 

and i can feel my fathers personality just yearning to come out!

I’m literally like 6 different people actually.

NOT 1….NOT 2….NOT 3…BUT 6.

I don’t even know what the freak the rest of my personalities are, but they’re there.

I personally know they’re there.

There developing…slowly, waiting to come out and reek havoc!

I want to cause chaos, confusion and delay.

I’m trying to delay the inevitable.

The test is how long can I hold out? 

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High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

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I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha 

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place… 

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way 

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

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Now you see me!

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Not everything is sadness
Or disappointment in my life.
Yeah I’m super dramatic at times
But it’s because I’m crazy
When I have moments of clarity
Like right now…
Things seem good
I’m good!
I just need to become a little more…
Unemotional??
I’m emotional
But like not really
I’m just super blunt
I can’t keep myself from the world
I can’t hide my feelings
I’ve been doing it too long…
But honestly, who wouldn’t want to see into the mind of a crazy!
See I’m super blunt
I can’t even hold shit back from myself.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and see 3 different sides of myself.
The good, the bad and the indefinite ;P
Can you ?!

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Crazy, Crazy…I’m so Crazy!

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I’m super crazy

but not crazy enough to have a label.

or maybe I am. 

I just don’t want to admit it.

But yeah, i’m super crazy! 

I’m not crazy enough to be called crazy out loud

but crazy enough to say it under your breath.

I’m one of those people you talk about

but inside your head.

I’m beyond crazy !

but not crazy enough for to even acknowledge it to someone.

But I will let you know

 I’m crazy enough that you’ll never forget me though ;D

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Long Gone Lost

Yesterday marked 7 years since my mothers death.

I cant believe its been that long…

I have no words…

and i don’t think they’ll ever be.

I lost my mom when i was 18.

I lost her at my prime.

I was transitioning.

Transitioning between being a bitch teenager taking her for granted to learning how to become a functional adult.

I’m in limbo.

I have no clue what to do.

I’m forever lost.

I may never know where i am.

who i am.

or who I will become.

But for now I believe I forever feel my mothers presence.

I’m hoping that’ll be good enough.

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Story Of My Anxic Life!

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Have you ever thought how crazy it is that everyone has different fears?

Afraid of clowns.

Spiders.

Water.

Death…..

These aren’t all my fears, but they are someones…ANYONE’S!

Think of your biggest fear.

Roller coasters.

Flowers.

Birds.

Choking on your favorite food.

Imagine your heart pounding. 

Your eyes widening…. 

Getting short of breath.

Speechless.

Motionless.

Now take away that fear

and imagine feeling that way 

Consistently, constantly…everyday.

EVERY FREAKING DAY!

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Paralyzed Lost Girl!

wp-1450137724479.jpgAnxiety is a fucking bitch.
I constantly feel like I’m wrapped up in a cocoon and can’t breath….Or move.
I often suffer from sleep paralysis.
For those who don’t know what that is
It’s the worst
It’s when your awake but can’t move or speak, but it also feels like you can’t breathe.
It happens to me a lot
But I’m still not use to it
You would think I would be considering
That’s how I feel through life!
Paralyzed….
Speechless….
My anxiety is starting to feel like I’m trapped In a box, with spiders and lady bugs
As crazy as it sounds I hate spiders and lady bugs
Spiders COULD BE deadly
And lady bugs just smell (honestly, and I believe they bring luck)
It’s like a love, hate situation
I’ve gotten so used to my problems that it’s all I know.
I recently had one day of clarity.
It felt so good!
I felt like a normal human.
I had cares, in the world
But they didn’t mean shit to me.
I remembered how good it felt to fit into society!
That’s all I want in life.
I’m tired of feeling trapped.
I’m exhausted from feeling unwanted.
I know I’m wanted, even if it’s just by one person…
I’m just so needy
I’m trying to feel what I lost so long ago.
I’m just trying to make up for lost times!
I don’t just want to feel loved!
I think I’m searching for something a little more….

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I’m Bitter and Give No Shits!

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I should be crocheting right now.

Trying to avoid all my self hate.

Instead i’m drinking tequila…..

Being the bitter bitch that i absolutely HATE!

I’m watching my 600 pound life.

Trying to give myself the extra inspiration to lose 1 more pound.

But i fear i sound like a huge BITCH right now.

I am afraid i will forever suffer from “fat girl syndrome”

I’m ready to look in the mirror and be satisfied.

I know that’ll never happen.

Fat girl syndrome PLUS ptsd doesn’t mesh well.

On top of feeling forever fat and seeing fat, i feel worthless.

I feel like nothing will ever change.

I’m tired of ducking every time my husband gives me a hug.

I’m absolutely SICK of jumping to conclusions.

I HATE keeping my mouth shut….

I yearn to speak my mind, but i fear ill say something wrong.

I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I’ll never be myself, nothing will ever be as it should.

I ruined me.

He ruined me.

And there’s nothing i can do but try and move on.

It’ll never happen.

My past seems like a blurr with each passing year.

But every now and then i have flashback after flash back.

And when that stage of self hatred is over with.

I go to sleep thinking everything was a dream and guess what?!

I have a fucking mother again.

I then realize, my mother is DEAD!

Everything is a fucking mirage!

I was not only fucking stupid and gullible as a teenager.

But i missed out on being with the people who truly loved me.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m a fucking bitch.

I only wish i was more bitter.

My mother taught me better then that.

I wish i could say i hated her and that i wish she was dead.

She had a great heart and deserved the whole world.

She was the whole world.

She gave me and my sisters, happiness, kindness, laughter…

She’s the reason i know how to hold my tongue and whats right and wrong.

If i was my father i would give no shits in the world.

I’d lie, cheat, steal, manipulate anything i wanted and more.

My mother gave me morals.

But what life has handed me has given me

BITTERNESS.

HATRED.

SELF LOATHING.

I believe ill never feel sane.

The combination of being traumatized, beaten, dragged across the floor and raped by the person i thought loved me and had a baby with.

And the lost physically of not only my mother but mentally the lost of my father.

It’s drained me.

I cant do lost anymore….

I just want everyone to go away.

I don’t want to feel love……

I want to live.

I just don’t want to care.

I don’t want to love anymore.

I WANT to be loved.

I just don’t want to emote any feelings.

I want to prepare for heartache.

Death.

Deceitfulness.

I just don’t want to give a fuck!

I HATE THAT I GIVE A FUCK!

Ignore me, i’m a ranter, trying to find herself.

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