I keep having this strange thought.
About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend
and its been irking me.
Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute
I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.
If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?
I’m so disgusted
I don’t know who to be disgusted with though
Myself? Him? his friend for telling me
how far would my abuse went ??
I feel like i’m forever broken
I’ll always be ruined
but I don’t understand why it affects me so much
It makes me feel so weak
but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.
Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture
Everyday with him was.
I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.
I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.
I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.
I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around
but I know I made the right decision.
Seeing my situation through
was the right thing.
I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it
I must remember there only thoughts
that’s all they are…..
even if they evolved into fears.
Fear of people
Fear of trust
Fear of living
Fear of death!
My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.
I’m literally trapped in my own body
with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.
I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.
I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.
Every time i think about my choices
I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.
She warned me
from day one.
I remember it clear as day.
Blood is defiantly thicker then water.
I should’ve listened…..