Don’t Trip.

Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get?

Like breathing, doing, and being.

Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted.

I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does.

My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little.

You would think I would know by now that tomorrow is never promised, but no, my brain says cut everyone off until I can get out of this funk.

Well that didn’t work out so well.

Fast forward to a couple of months of unfriendships, then one of my best friends passed away.

Pretty much how he always described to me he would.

ALONE.

I kick myself everyday over it.

What if I talked to him more over the months?

Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as broken as it is now.

I took HIS life for granted.

I assumed he’d always be there for me.

As I should’ve for him.

What’s worse is, because of his death I’m shutting myself out from the rest of the world even more!

Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves and never comes back.

Some literally and physically will never come back and others just make certain fuck it choices in life.

If I distance myself and stop Opening my very big heart to people, the less it’ll have to eventually break.

I hate crying, I hate hurting, I hate the ache in my heart I feel when it cracks a little more.

I want to talk to my best friend.

He never failed to make my heart feel warm.

He was the glass of wine coursing through my veins.

He would make me belly laugh on a day filled with tears.

He made everything feel like life was going to be ok even though he never practiced what he preached.

He gave me the light that I needed to guide me through my troubles.

He was my light, and now it’s gone out….

I don’t know where to go next, or even what to do.

My heart is telling me, to continue to love and open itself, but my brain is insisting I be alone.

Not everyone is meant for a life full of happiness.

What’s funny is, I necessarily dont even want true happiness.

I want contentment.

I want peace.

I want the freedom to open up my heart and my mind and not have to regret a thing.

I want to love and accept love without question.

I want to just live my life, instead of being so scared.

I live in fear, because I choose to live in fear.

When will i finally wake up.

I continue to trap myself in my own trap.

It’s a never ending cycle.

#Fail

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. 

But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.

Everything I do turns to dust!

It disintegrates….

Dissolves into nothingness.

In a nutshell

MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!

Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.

I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.

There’s no going back for me!

Camille’s gone with no sign of return.

All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.

Forever Uncertain

It’s funny, once a loved one dies you end up thinking about them more often

then you did when they were around…. 

It’s almost June 2nd, which means…my mothers 50 something birthday.

Yesss! I’ve lost track, but I don’t want to count anymore

but its been around 7 years….

It’s been too long!

It’s around that time, all i want to do is talk to her

but then again…..it’s always around that time.

I’m usually good for so many months, then everything

wrong with me, hits me at once…………

Everything in my life has hit me all at once!

I’m forever fucked!

I just want to forget and move on…

I lack emotions, but i lack them towards reality.

Towards…RIGHT NOW!

I push those who need me now away, because I can’t deal.

I just don’t want to deal.

I never want to deal again!

NEVER!!!! In my life…..

I’m so conflicted!

I’m sure i’ll never give a shit.

Haha EVER!!!!

But about reality……

Some people are born with emotions

And some are born with none.

 I was born, forever conflicted about life….

WHILE NOT GIVING A SHIT!!!!

FOREVER ALONE…

FOREVER WITH MYSELF…

FOREVER IN LIMBO

FOREVER….ALONE

And it will remain that way…

FOREVER….

 

Simply….Crazy!

I’ve been feeling a little off lately 

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands…. 

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises! 

 

Take a Deep Breath and SCREAM!

I’ve been feeling a little non filtery lately….

A tad too unfiltery lately.

I increasing don’t give a shit, if you haven’t noticed.

Each and everyday

I feel myself smiling more….on the INSIDE.

I feel a warmth inside of me.

It feels good to be bitter and kind of not give a shit.

((((evil laugh))))

It almost feels like when your drinking wine (tequila, rum, whatever you alcohol of choice maybe) and hit that “I should stop drinking now, if I want to stay content” tipsy feeling.

I’m currently going through another phase

Which I’ve just noticed I haven’t really touched up on yet.

Things piss me off.

A lot of shit pisses me off.

Its honestly probably super easy to piss me off.

But lately, it just seems so freaking hilarious.

I’ve been super amused by people’s stupidity

and what the fuck actions!

Getting me annoyed plus no filter equals my entertainment. 

I’m slowly becoming cold as ice

but it seems like such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I must continue with my non emotionless ways.

I can’t go anywhere but up if i’m at the bottom, right?

I enjoy not giving a shit.

And i’m learning to enjoy not giving a shit

But i don’t at the same time.

It goes hand and hand with my anxiety.

Is it weird that I worry about everything but don’t worry about things that are in my control?

Now my next step is to get rid of my conscientiousness

that’s not a good thing though.

I’m a mean person.

I’ve always been a mean person.

I’m getting torn into two different people.

My mother and my father!

I’ve been my mother for so long 

and i can feel my fathers personality just yearning to come out!

I’m literally like 6 different people actually.

NOT 1….NOT 2….NOT 3…BUT 6.

I don’t even know what the freak the rest of my personalities are, but they’re there.

I personally know they’re there.

There developing…slowly, waiting to come out and reek havoc!

I want to cause chaos, confusion and delay.

I’m trying to delay the inevitable.

The test is how long can I hold out? 

LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities 

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense….. 

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

And She Gave NO Shits!

Oh how distinctly I remember the last time I saw my mother.
She was wearing a Leopard vest.
She was on her way to work early because of a snow storm.
My father was waiting in the car and she came back inside a second time to say goodbye…
And that she loved us……
Then I never saw her again.
Until her funeral….
Oh how I wish I could talk to her one more time
Hug her one more time
Feel her touch one more time
Tell her I love her….one more time.
I’m suffering through so much internally, mentally
and she’s the only person I want to talk to….
Laugh with…
Cry with….
Sit down and have a casual lunch with….
I would’ve never guessed 7 years ago this is how life would be.
Parentless.
Well technically. (But might as well be)
I often wonder how happy my mom was with life.
I wonder if she was happy
Or depressed
Or had anxiety
Or just hated the world.
I have so many questions to ask.
Like our family history
Or how to make simple little meals taste as wonderful as hers.
Honestly……
I’m speechless right now.
I have so much hate in my heart that I never express out loud…
I have so much hate in my heart that no one ever hears….
I’m so unsympathetic that I hate bothering others with my feelings.
I hate even hearing or feeling mine.
If I come off as an asshole when you talk to me, it’s because I am.
If I come off as a douche bag it’s because i am.
If I seem like I’m not listening…
It’s because I’m not!
My name is Camille
And I give no fucks EVER!!!
And if it seems like I do….
You caught my moment of clarity and trashed it with your own thoughts.
I hate that I’m nice.
I hate that im kind hearted.
And give a shit!
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits
Because clearly life has given zero shits about me.
Life has ruined love for me.
Death for me.
Companionship for me.
T R U S T.

EVERYTHING!!!!

And now life is finally taking a toll on my already damaged heart.
It makes me wonder how rock bottom will actually feel like…..
I use to dream of being a Disney Princess as a child
Hopefully my heart with finally go from rags to riches….
But the riches won’t be living life lavishly
The riches would be
Living day to day without being nervous
Or paranoid
Or wondering who’s going to die next.
Not having to prepare myself to pick up the phone.
Not preparing myself to go to the store
Or having a conversation with a stranger without mumbling or talking super fast that I just sound like an idiot, Because I’m scared.
It’s funny how, With each passing day someone could develop such serious feelings or actions.
Imagine waking up everyday and just thinking
“Holy shit! The day is about to start again”
But happy that your alive but upset that you have to breathe through every moment.
Prepare for every moment.
Overthink…..every moment.
I’m soooo lazy
And now everyone sees why!
It’s such work to get through the day.
Bypass my feelings
Bypass the fact I want to lay in the dark and eat forbidden chocolate ice cream all day and pray I don’t gain weight.
Because let’s face it that’ll just be another notch in my belt…again AND LITERLLY!!!!!
I guess where I’m going with this
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits!
About going to the store and caring.
Talking on the phone and caring.
Saying hi to a stranger and caring.
I want to give zero shits about what people think!
But I do want to give a shit about how people feel.
I just want to sympathize with the world
Is that too much to ask for?

I just want to be myself again

Hi, My name is Camille 

and I just want to give NO FUCKS!

but about the right things ;D

Crazy, Crazy…I’m so Crazy!

I’m super crazy

but not crazy enough to have a label.

or maybe I am. 

I just don’t want to admit it.

But yeah, i’m super crazy! 

I’m not crazy enough to be called crazy out loud

but crazy enough to say it under your breath.

I’m one of those people you talk about

but inside your head.

I’m beyond crazy !

but not crazy enough for to even acknowledge it to someone.

But I will let you know

 I’m crazy enough that you’ll never forget me though ;D

NO Need to WhINE

Sitting here….

Watching the ball drop alone….once again…

My kids asked me to wake them in time, I promised.

I held my end of the bargain.

Super happy 11:55 pm hit.

I wake them like they asked.

Pretty much they all looked at me and said “never mind, I want to go back to sleep”

They might as well of said “fuck you, let me sleep bitch!”

Well that’s how I perceived it.

My heart crushed with sadness

I ran to my room grabbed my journal (The one I only write in when I’m terribly upset)

And I started writing a “bucket list”

*Take a walk outside alone without feeling like your going to die.

*Take a vacation

*Buy something very expensive for just myself (at least $50 haha)

*Feel comfortable with myself.

*Stop being constantly paranoid.

*Stop over analyzing everything.

*See the ball drop in new York (for new years obviously)

*Get mental help.

*Live life be happy!

That’s literally what I wrote word for word in my journal.

As I was reading back what I wrote I realized this isn’t a bucket list.

It’s a goals list.

I think my sub conscience is telling me, this is what i have to do.

I literally just sub conscientiously mapped out the steps I need to take to finally be happy.

or at least feel normal…

Well not all the steps

But a few important ones.

The tricky part is overcoming my fears to even start the process.

I literally need to overcome EVERY FEAR I HAVE..

to become a better person.

I’m so used to a routine 

it slowly changes over time.

Slowly but surely I become someone new.

EVERY YEAR.

 Hopefully this year is it.

My time for something new.

But good new.

dIARY OF A gIRL wITH fAT gIRL sYNDROME!

I’ve been going through moments where my day revolves around eating.

I’ve been binge eating.

I feel super gross.

Every time I eat, I remember this one specific moment in my teenage years when I thought i’d forever be 100lbs.

I told myself

(at this time not knowing life wanted to throw hardcore life lessons at me)

“I don’t care if i’m 500lbs, eating makes me happy!”

Ha! BULLSHIT!

Just being a little over 200lbs, specifically 220…

I was miserable.

Now finally 144 (after about 6yrs) i’m afraid to see that weight again.

COMPLETELY MORTIFIED!

I’m still not happy with my weight now!

My mental health is making me eat again..

Eat and eat and freaking eat.

I eat all day, well more then usual.

I wish I was one of those people who could binge and purge…

Just saying the word PURGE makes me sick! 

My moral standards would never let me do that.

My conscience is a blessing but a curse.

Why can’t I be completely crazy, or completely sane?

——————

Please excuse me while I go eat a huge unnecessary bowl of spaghetti.

Which will be followed by a whole bag of deliciousness!

The one and only snack that smiles back…

GOLDFISH.

(my weakness)

I know i’ll feel a little bit better, but it all will conclude with GUILT!

DISGUSTING GUILT!!