Watching the ball drop alone….once again…
My kids asked me to wake them in time, I promised.
I held my end of the bargain.
Super happy 11:55 pm hit.
I wake them like they asked.
Pretty much they all looked at me and said “never mind, I want to go back to sleep”
They might as well of said “fuck you, let me sleep bitch!”
Well that’s how I perceived it.
My heart crushed with sadness
I ran to my room grabbed my journal (The one I only write in when I’m terribly upset)
And I started writing a “bucket list”
*Take a walk outside alone without feeling like your going to die.
*Take a vacation
*Buy something very expensive for just myself (at least $50 haha)
*Feel comfortable with myself.
*Stop being constantly paranoid.
*Stop over analyzing everything.
*See the ball drop in new York (for new years obviously)
*Get mental help.
*Live life be happy!
That’s literally what I wrote word for word in my journal.
As I was reading back what I wrote I realized this isn’t a bucket list.
It’s a goals list.
I think my sub conscience is telling me, this is what i have to do.
I literally just sub conscientiously mapped out the steps I need to take to finally be happy.
or at least feel normal…
Well not all the steps
But a few important ones.
The tricky part is overcoming my fears to even start the process.
I literally need to overcome EVERY FEAR I HAVE..
to become a better person.
I’m so used to a routine
it slowly changes over time.
Slowly but surely I become someone new.
Hopefully this year is it.
My time for something new.
But good new.