I haven’t been feeling very well lately.
But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.
Everything I do turns to dust!
It disintegrates….
Dissolves into nothingness.
In a nutshell
MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!
Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.
I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.
There’s no going back for me!
Camille’s gone with no sign of return.
All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.
It’s funny, once a loved one dies you end up thinking about them more often
then you did when they were around….
It’s almost June 2nd, which means…my mothers 50 something birthday.
Yesss! I’ve lost track, but I don’t want to count anymore
but its been around 7 years….
It’s been too long!
It’s around that time, all i want to do is talk to her
but then again…..it’s always around that time.
I’m usually good for so many months, then everything
wrong with me, hits me at once…………
Everything in my life has hit me all at once!
I’m forever fucked!
I just want to forget and move on…
I lack emotions, but i lack them towards reality.
Towards…RIGHT NOW!
I push those who need me now away, because I can’t deal.
I just don’t want to deal.
I never want to deal again!
NEVER!!!! In my life…..
I’m so conflicted!
I’m sure i’ll never give a shit.
Haha EVER!!!!
But about reality……
Some people are born with emotions
And some are born with none.
I was born, forever conflicted about life….
WHILE NOT GIVING A SHIT!!!!
FOREVER ALONE…
FOREVER WITH MYSELF…
FOREVER IN LIMBO
FOREVER….ALONE
And it will remain that way…
FOREVER….
I’ve concluded…
I’m crazy!
For once i’m having no thoughts.
I don’t feel good nor bad.
I’m in limbo right now
defiantly a strange feeling.
I honestly don’t like it one bit!
I feel super uncomfy.
I miss my mom right now
but at the same time I feel super content.
I hate literally my whole teenage years
well lack of.
but its been so long!
Then again, life shouldn’t of happened so early.
My life is passing by so quickly.
I’m falling to pieces mentally
but I’m going through stages when I catch myself
falling……………………………..
and I stop myself.
I seriously stop myself (puke)
I’m clearly not as insane as I think I am
but that’s the problem.
I want one or the fucking other.
Whats more fucked up then feeling crazy…
Is not knowing whether your actually crazy.
My secret is, I know i am.
I just know how to control it.
Is that possible?
Does that make me more crazy?
Seriously…does it?
Like what am i?
Can someone please tell me they go through the same phases of life….
I swear i’m bipolar
I literally feel a different way every single day.
or maybe I have split personalities?
because every other hour I feel like a different person.
OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.
I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities
but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.
I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.
But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.
I know it could be an easy fix.
If my outburst can be triggered by something
My happiness can be as well.
I just have to think positively.
I’ve been thinking positively lately.
and my usual lows have been
a flick of the wrist.
I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.
I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.
Because why not!?
Why make someone else feel dumb
because there wrong…
Why make someone feel dumb
because they have no common sense…..
Why make someone feel a certain way
Just because their not on the same level as you ;D
Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.
I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression
or the PTSD and flashbacks
But anxiety is freaking killer!
Imagine questioning every little thing you do!
Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!
Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay!
You don’t know it….
But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!
LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!
Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!
Not trying to turn you all into crazies….
But think before you speak.
You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.
You could be just like me.
Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life!
****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D
Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!
Oh how distinctly I remember the last time I saw my mother.
She was wearing a Leopard vest.
She was on her way to work early because of a snow storm.
My father was waiting in the car and she came back inside a second time to say goodbye…
And that she loved us……
Then I never saw her again.
Until her funeral….
Oh how I wish I could talk to her one more time
Hug her one more time
Feel her touch one more time
Tell her I love her….one more time.
I’m suffering through so much internally, mentally
and she’s the only person I want to talk to….
Laugh with…
Cry with….
Sit down and have a casual lunch with….
I would’ve never guessed 7 years ago this is how life would be.
Parentless.
Well technically. (But might as well be)
I often wonder how happy my mom was with life.
I wonder if she was happy
Or depressed
Or had anxiety
Or just hated the world.
I have so many questions to ask.
Like our family history
Or how to make simple little meals taste as wonderful as hers.
Honestly……
I’m speechless right now.
I have so much hate in my heart that I never express out loud…
I have so much hate in my heart that no one ever hears….
I’m so unsympathetic that I hate bothering others with my feelings.
I hate even hearing or feeling mine.
If I come off as an asshole when you talk to me, it’s because I am.
If I come off as a douche bag it’s because i am.
If I seem like I’m not listening…
It’s because I’m not!
My name is Camille
And I give no fucks EVER!!!
And if it seems like I do….
You caught my moment of clarity and trashed it with your own thoughts.
I hate that I’m nice.
I hate that im kind hearted.
And give a shit!
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits
Because clearly life has given zero shits about me.
Life has ruined love for me.
Death for me.
Companionship for me.
T R U S T.
EVERYTHING!!!!
And now life is finally taking a toll on my already damaged heart.
It makes me wonder how rock bottom will actually feel like…..
I use to dream of being a Disney Princess as a child
Hopefully my heart with finally go from rags to riches….
But the riches won’t be living life lavishly
The riches would be
Living day to day without being nervous
Or paranoid
Or wondering who’s going to die next.
Not having to prepare myself to pick up the phone.
Not preparing myself to go to the store
Or having a conversation with a stranger without mumbling or talking super fast that I just sound like an idiot, Because I’m scared.
It’s funny how, With each passing day someone could develop such serious feelings or actions.
Imagine waking up everyday and just thinking
“Holy shit! The day is about to start again”
But happy that your alive but upset that you have to breathe through every moment.
Prepare for every moment.
Overthink…..every moment.
I’m soooo lazy
And now everyone sees why!
It’s such work to get through the day.
Bypass my feelings
Bypass the fact I want to lay in the dark and eat forbidden chocolate ice cream all day and pray I don’t gain weight.
Because let’s face it that’ll just be another notch in my belt…again AND LITERLLY!!!!!
I guess where I’m going with this
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits!
About going to the store and caring.
Talking on the phone and caring.
Saying hi to a stranger and caring.
I want to give zero shits about what people think!
But I do want to give a shit about how people feel.
I just want to sympathize with the world
Is that too much to ask for?
I just want to be myself again
Hi, My name is Camille
and I just want to give NO FUCKS!
but about the right things ;D
I hate when people assume you act the way you act because your “drunk”
I do drink often But I’m a very functional drinker.
(I know that sounds cliche but I’m super serious ;P)
There’s no reason to make someone feel like shit because of their mental state whether they drink or not.
I wish I could actually be an nonfunctional drunk!
I wish I was an nonfunctional something so I could at least feel some silence in the world.
I’m just super annoyed, I just want the world to know I’m fine and functional.
Just nonfunctional in the sense that I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore….
Life is a mess
But it’s because I made it a mess
I’m a mess.
Sometimes when I watch TV shows
And see people yelling screaming saying what’s on there mind….
I only wish I could do that.
I just want to scream, and cry and scream again!
I want to punch a wall but that shit cost too much money!
I’m super cheap…..
I only wish I didn’t have to think about money .
I wish I didn’t have to think about problems.
I wish I didn’t have to think….
Just for one day….
I’m scared my mind will forever race
Through life, death or whatever in between….
Anxiety is a fucking bitch.
I constantly feel like I’m wrapped up in a cocoon and can’t breath….Or move.
I often suffer from sleep paralysis.
For those who don’t know what that is
It’s the worst
It’s when your awake but can’t move or speak, but it also feels like you can’t breathe.
It happens to me a lot
But I’m still not use to it
You would think I would be considering
That’s how I feel through life!
Paralyzed….
Speechless….
My anxiety is starting to feel like I’m trapped In a box, with spiders and lady bugs
As crazy as it sounds I hate spiders and lady bugs
Spiders COULD BE deadly
And lady bugs just smell (honestly, and I believe they bring luck)
It’s like a love, hate situation
I’ve gotten so used to my problems that it’s all I know.
I recently had one day of clarity.
It felt so good!
I felt like a normal human.
I had cares, in the world
But they didn’t mean shit to me.
I remembered how good it felt to fit into society!
That’s all I want in life.
I’m tired of feeling trapped.
I’m exhausted from feeling unwanted.
I know I’m wanted, even if it’s just by one person…
I’m just so needy
I’m trying to feel what I lost so long ago.
I’m just trying to make up for lost times!
I don’t just want to feel loved!
I think I’m searching for something a little more….
I know i act like i’m okay
I want to feel okay
I’m psyching myself out to feel okay
but im not….
I miss my mom.
I miss my life.
I miss myself.
I wonder what life could’ve been.
You only have one life.
and i feel like i’m not where i want to be.
I want be where I thought i’d be by now!
I had tons of goals.
and they all went out the window
but they went out the window
because of my anxiety
my depression
my PTSD………..
i’m gone.
i’m no longer know myself.
I don’t even know myself anymore.
I don’t even think my husband does…..
I no longer have words for how i feel.
IM FOREVER LOST!
and drunk ;P
im starting to feel lost
oh so lost
my anxiety is so bad I can’t even blog anymore
the thought of “interacting”
with people in some sort of way
is freaking crazyyy
I love feeling lost in a sense though
the sense that it makes me lose track of life
the stress, the constant thoughts racing through my head
one can only take so much before they break down
I can only take so much before I break down
lately my breakdowns have been going through 2 or 3 month intervals
and even though Chris and I are happy there happening less
there hitting harder
I had a break down a couple of weeks ago
I felt aggravated
next thing I knew
I was full blown screaming and crying on Chris
it only lasted a couple minutes before I realized I had to control myself
go back to pretending I was perfect
like I was “tough as nails” as my dad would say
I almost wish I possessed the strength I had when I was with Justin [my abuser]
as crappy as that’s sounds
but I feel like that’s when I had the most strength
I felt like I could say what I wanted had the most confidence
I was trying to prove something
and even though Ive decided that portion of my life is said and done and over with
that confidence I had went too
and with that I gain my emotions back
10 fold
its crappy
I hate expressing myself
Front and Back
okay for those who dont have me on facebook this is my crazy hobby, my crochet, I make necklaces and what not it helps with my anxiety but yeahh, I don’t usually post my stuff up front like this but I had to restore my computer and these are the only pictures I have on it, btw the top picture is me and my sister and daughter trying to be kesha haha random day haha
Apparently Unaffected 