Long Gone Lost

Yesterday marked 7 years since my mothers death.

I cant believe its been that long…

I have no words…

and i don’t think they’ll ever be.

I lost my mom when i was 18.

I lost her at my prime.

I was transitioning.

Transitioning between being a bitch teenager taking her for granted to learning how to become a functional adult.

I’m in limbo.

I have no clue what to do.

I’m forever lost.

I may never know where i am.

who i am.

or who I will become.

But for now I believe I forever feel my mothers presence.

I’m hoping that’ll be good enough.

Anticipation

My anxiety is almost in full swing.
I’ve been so nervous lately.
I’ve been so sad.
I love my little corner of the bed yet despise it!
Its taken over my life.
I’m bored….
Constantly bored….
But I rather be bored in my little corner
Then dead or hurt or face the reality
Of having to face reality.
Having so many responsibilities becomes difficult
When you can barely face the world alone.
Picking up the phone to simple grocery shopping
Becomes a 2 person job.
My life revolves around waiting for Chris to have a day off.
Driving or just going to a doctors office.
Its nerve wrecking doing these things alone.
My anxieties have anxiety.
Shit! I can’t even take my kids to the park
Even other people’s kids scare me!
This is a ridiculous life to live by.
I almost feel like a burden
I rely on other people
And when I say other people
I mean Chris
I push everyone else away.
No one really understands, but him
And sometimes I think he’s given up on understanding.
Some people think how I feel are just excuses
Like I can just push myself into doing things.
I wish it was that easy…
It’s not… It’s far from easy.
It’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to face.
I hate feeling like I have 50,000 emotions running through my veins!
I rather the warmth of red wine and chocolate cake
While enjoying a fall breeze.
That’s my happy place.
I feel an attack coming on soon!
I’ve been so good lately
I’m totally dreading the
“I want to rip my hair out and scream all day” feeling.
But my emotions put up an eviction notice and it’s about that time.
I’m past due for a good scream!
Ah! nothing a little bit of wine can’t fix ; D

Short Sweet And Straight to the Point!

Sometimes I can’t believe I did that to myself
I put myself through so much pain for a man
It’s probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done
People truly do dumb things for love
I’m a living example
I chose pain, heartache, abuse
Just for love
And in return I not only lost love
But I lost myself
Losing myself was the biggest sacrifice ever!
Who knows when the hell I’ll even get it back
Sometimes I feel like I’m there
But not quite
And the days I feel closer
It all goes away with one single thought process, memory, trigger….WHATEVER!
Then I have to start over
 It’s like a maze
And I have no fucking clue how the fuck to get to the finish line
It’s the most frustrating thing ever
I can’t wait till this part of my life is over with
Can we just skip to the light at the end of the tunnel
You know the non anxiety one!

Dazed And Confused

I’m lost
I no longer posses encouraging words
I’ve been blogging
But not posting
Nothing feels right anymore
I no longer feel comfortable
Opening my heart and soul
Life is like a breath of fresh air
Yet a dark clouded smoke at the same time
I can hardly breath
I’m so engulfed with flames of stress
And smoke of anger
I try to get through
It gets harder
I don’t see why
I have to be cursed like this
I’ve gotton off the right path
Im waiting for the next bus to serenity
Why can’t I feel that
I love to laugh
Its scary how much I love to laugh
But sometimes its so hard
I branch off from everyone
I disconnect from the world
Most people lash out when there in my position
I choose not to push the ones I love away
But yet I find myself
Doing that exact thing
I must be meant to be alone
Your probably laughing right now
Camille lonely
3 kids, a husband
I call bull!
But that’s exacting what I am
I’m walking holding someones hand
But carrying not only mine
But there weight
And that’s how I am for everyone
I need to care about myself more
I need to feel like I’m not bringing people down
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me
I want them to embrace my words
I want to feel like there’s people who think like me
I hate feeling out of place
But that’s what I am
Out of place
And confused

Road to Nowhere

I hate that death reopens

old wounds of my mothers.

When someone that i know dies

It brings flashbacks.

It makes me feel as if yesterday

i was getting my hair dyed black

before getting that dreaded phone call of my mothers passing!

I wish i never knew of death!

Just call me up and say

“Hey! so and so moved and there probably never going to talk to you again!”

I’d be okay with that

I’d be content

Ill deal with the thought of them never speaking to me

If i didn’t have to know they actually died.

Ill be left with the happy memories we did have.

Yes, i would be mad

I rather know i wont be seeing them because they choose to move or go to jail.

I don’t want to know that this person that i care for

is gone, and ill never ever see them again or hear there voice!

Sometimes i pretend that my mother isn’t dead.

I tell myself that she moved away

Knowing the possibility that i could see her again

or randomly bumping into her, makes things a little better!

Its weird, living literally right next to my childhood home.

And now living in the house that my landlord owned.

My mother and my landlord were 2 people i really really cared for.

and there both gone!

I need to move far away from here.

Theres to many memories attached to everything.

I love good memories

But they make me think to much.

To get better, i feel like i have to limit my thinking activities!

Thinking leads to more thinking which leads to even more thinking!

My mind is a maze and I’m trying to find my way out.

Its confusing

and filled with unnecessary unwanted pathways.

I just want to get a sledge hammer and break down these walls

But instead it feels like I’m looking through a filing cabinet

and taring through information piece by piece.

Reliving everything I’ve already lived

I’m no longer living

I’m reliving

Over and over again!

[please listen to life on standby, by hawthorne heights! its a really great song.[

Lost Girl

I remember feeling lost.

Constantly feeling lost.

I would be lying, if i told you..i didn’t feel that way every now and again.

Its the worst feeling you could possibly feel.

Lonely

Drained

worthless

Useless

Dark

Cold-hearted

LOST!

Its as if, someone kidnapped you

Stuck you in the middle of woods at night

Without a flashlight.

Without a map.

Without any knowledge of where you are.

No hints

Nothing!

and just told you to find you way back.

Its not easy

Not one bit.

and I’m still trying to find my way back.

Its been 6 years.

But every now and then

My mind decides to rest

in a peaceful place

and sometimes it could stay there for

hours, days, weeks, sometimes even months.

but eventually it has to start searching again.

I don’t know what for!

I don’t know why it cant stay where its at.

but its searching for something

maybe, answers

i don’t know.

But i know its ready to be free of these thoughts

and the faster it can find my way back home

the faster it can ease itself.

I’m ready to be eased

of pain

Anger

Hate

Revenge

This cold dark place my mind sends me.

I’m not that kind of person

and i hate that it makes me feel this way.

I swear I’m not crazy!