Anticipation

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My anxiety is almost in full swing.
I’ve been so nervous lately.
I’ve been so sad.
I love my little corner of the bed yet despise it!
Its taken over my life.
I’m bored….
Constantly bored….
But I rather be bored in my little corner
Then dead or hurt or face the reality
Of having to face reality.
Having so many responsibilities becomes difficult
When you can barely face the world alone.
Picking up the phone to simple grocery shopping
Becomes a 2 person job.
My life revolves around waiting for Chris to have a day off.
Driving or just going to a doctors office.
Its nerve wrecking doing these things alone.
My anxieties have anxiety.
Shit! I can’t even take my kids to the park
Even other people’s kids scare me!
This is a ridiculous life to live by.
I almost feel like a burden
I rely on other people
And when I say other people
I mean Chris
I push everyone else away.
No one really understands, but him
And sometimes I think he’s given up on understanding.
Some people think how I feel are just excuses
Like I can just push myself into doing things.
I wish it was that easy…
It’s not… It’s far from easy.
It’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to face.
I hate feeling like I have 50,000 emotions running through my veins!
I rather the warmth of red wine and chocolate cake
While enjoying a fall breeze.
That’s my happy place.
I feel an attack coming on soon!
I’ve been so good lately
I’m totally dreading the
“I want to rip my hair out and scream all day” feeling.
But my emotions put up an eviction notice and it’s about that time.
I’m past due for a good scream!
Ah! nothing a little bit of wine can’t fix ; D

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One thought on “Anticipation

  1. honeypopbee says:

    Reblogged this on Chasing Happiness and commented:
    My feelings exactly

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