I hate that death reopens
old wounds of my mothers.
When someone that i know dies
It brings flashbacks.
It makes me feel as if yesterday
i was getting my hair dyed black
before getting that dreaded phone call of my mothers passing!
I wish i never knew of death!
Just call me up and say
“Hey! so and so moved and there probably never going to talk to you again!”
I’d be okay with that
I’d be content
Ill deal with the thought of them never speaking to me
If i didn’t have to know they actually died.
Ill be left with the happy memories we did have.
Yes, i would be mad
I rather know i wont be seeing them because they choose to move or go to jail.
I don’t want to know that this person that i care for
is gone, and ill never ever see them again or hear there voice!
Sometimes i pretend that my mother isn’t dead.
I tell myself that she moved away
Knowing the possibility that i could see her again
or randomly bumping into her, makes things a little better!
Its weird, living literally right next to my childhood home.
And now living in the house that my landlord owned.
My mother and my landlord were 2 people i really really cared for.
and there both gone!
I need to move far away from here.
Theres to many memories attached to everything.
I love good memories
But they make me think to much.
To get better, i feel like i have to limit my thinking activities!
Thinking leads to more thinking which leads to even more thinking!
My mind is a maze and I’m trying to find my way out.
and filled with unnecessary unwanted pathways.
I just want to get a sledge hammer and break down these walls
But instead it feels like I’m looking through a filing cabinet
and taring through information piece by piece.
Reliving everything I’ve already lived
I’m no longer living
Over and over again!
[please listen to life on standby, by hawthorne heights! its a really great song.[