Tag Archives: life

#Fail

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I haven’t been feeling very well lately. 

But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.

Everything I do turns to dust!

It disintegrates….

Dissolves into nothingness.

In a nutshell

MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!

Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.

I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.

There’s no going back for me!

Camille’s gone with no sign of return.

All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.

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Forever Uncertain

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It’s funny, once a loved one dies you end up thinking about them more often

then you did when they were around…. 

It’s almost June 2nd, which means…my mothers 50 something birthday.

Yesss! I’ve lost track, but I don’t want to count anymore

but its been around 7 years….

It’s been too long!

It’s around that time, all i want to do is talk to her

but then again…..it’s always around that time.

I’m usually good for so many months, then everything

wrong with me, hits me at once…………

Everything in my life has hit me all at once!

I’m forever fucked!

I just want to forget and move on…

I lack emotions, but i lack them towards reality.

Towards…RIGHT NOW!

I push those who need me now away, because I can’t deal.

I just don’t want to deal.

I never want to deal again!

NEVER!!!! In my life…..

I’m so conflicted!

I’m sure i’ll never give a shit.

Haha EVER!!!!

But about reality……

Some people are born with emotions

And some are born with none.

 I was born, forever conflicted about life….

WHILE NOT GIVING A SHIT!!!!

FOREVER ALONE…

FOREVER WITH MYSELF…

FOREVER IN LIMBO

FOREVER….ALONE

And it will remain that way…

FOREVER….

 

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Hello….from the other side of Crazy!

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I’ve concluded…

I’m crazy!

For once i’m having no thoughts.

I don’t feel good nor bad.

I’m in limbo right now

defiantly a strange feeling.

I honestly don’t like it one bit!

I feel super uncomfy.

I miss my mom right now

but at the same time I feel super content.

I hate literally my whole teenage years

well lack of.

but its been so long!

Then again, life shouldn’t of happened so early.

My life is passing by so quickly.

I’m falling to pieces mentally

but I’m going through stages when I catch myself

falling……………………………..

and I stop myself.

I seriously stop myself (puke)

I’m clearly not as insane as I think I am

but that’s the problem.

I want one or the fucking other.

Whats more fucked up then feeling crazy…

Is not knowing whether your actually crazy.

My secret is, I know i am.

I just know how to control it.

Is that possible?

Does that make me more crazy?

Seriously…does it?

Like what am i?

Can someone please tell me they go through the same phases of life….

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Take a Deep Breath and SCREAM!

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I’ve been feeling a little non filtery lately….

A tad too unfiltery lately.

I increasing don’t give a shit, if you haven’t noticed.

Each and everyday

I feel myself smiling more….on the INSIDE.

I feel a warmth inside of me.

It feels good to be bitter and kind of not give a shit.

((((evil laugh))))

It almost feels like when your drinking wine (tequila, rum, whatever you alcohol of choice maybe) and hit that “I should stop drinking now, if I want to stay content” tipsy feeling.

I’m currently going through another phase

Which I’ve just noticed I haven’t really touched up on yet.

Things piss me off.

A lot of shit pisses me off.

Its honestly probably super easy to piss me off.

But lately, it just seems so freaking hilarious.

I’ve been super amused by people’s stupidity

and what the fuck actions!

Getting me annoyed plus no filter equals my entertainment. 

I’m slowly becoming cold as ice

but it seems like such a huge weight off of my shoulders.

I must continue with my non emotionless ways.

I can’t go anywhere but up if i’m at the bottom, right?

I enjoy not giving a shit.

And i’m learning to enjoy not giving a shit

But i don’t at the same time.

It goes hand and hand with my anxiety.

Is it weird that I worry about everything but don’t worry about things that are in my control?

Now my next step is to get rid of my conscientiousness

that’s not a good thing though.

I’m a mean person.

I’ve always been a mean person.

I’m getting torn into two different people.

My mother and my father!

I’ve been my mother for so long 

and i can feel my fathers personality just yearning to come out!

I’m literally like 6 different people actually.

NOT 1….NOT 2….NOT 3…BUT 6.

I don’t even know what the freak the rest of my personalities are, but they’re there.

I personally know they’re there.

There developing…slowly, waiting to come out and reek havoc!

I want to cause chaos, confusion and delay.

I’m trying to delay the inevitable.

The test is how long can I hold out? 

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LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

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I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities 

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense….. 

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

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Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

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Now you see me!

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Not everything is sadness
Or disappointment in my life.
Yeah I’m super dramatic at times
But it’s because I’m crazy
When I have moments of clarity
Like right now…
Things seem good
I’m good!
I just need to become a little more…
Unemotional??
I’m emotional
But like not really
I’m just super blunt
I can’t keep myself from the world
I can’t hide my feelings
I’ve been doing it too long…
But honestly, who wouldn’t want to see into the mind of a crazy!
See I’m super blunt
I can’t even hold shit back from myself.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and see 3 different sides of myself.
The good, the bad and the indefinite ;P
Can you ?!

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Crazy, Crazy…I’m so Crazy!

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I’m super crazy

but not crazy enough to have a label.

or maybe I am. 

I just don’t want to admit it.

But yeah, i’m super crazy! 

I’m not crazy enough to be called crazy out loud

but crazy enough to say it under your breath.

I’m one of those people you talk about

but inside your head.

I’m beyond crazy !

but not crazy enough for to even acknowledge it to someone.

But I will let you know

 I’m crazy enough that you’ll never forget me though ;D

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Illegally Insane

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I know i act like i’m okay

I want to feel okay

I’m psyching myself out to feel okay 

but im not….

I miss my mom.

I miss my life.

I miss myself.

I wonder what life could’ve been. 

You only have one life. 

and i feel like i’m not where i want to be. 

I want be where I thought i’d be by now!

I had tons of goals.

and they all went out the window 

but they went out the window 

because of my anxiety

my depression 

my PTSD………..

i’m gone.

i’m no longer know myself.

I don’t even know myself anymore.

I don’t even think my husband does…..

I no longer have words for how i feel.

IM FOREVER LOST!

and drunk ;P

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If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.

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I often wonder
What will become of my life?
Will I ever feel satisfied?
My paranoia with death is getting extremely out of hand.
I constantly feel like I’m gasping for air.
I think I’m becoming a little bit claustrophobic.
For some reason I feel like when I die….
I’ll somewhat still be alive.
I’ll still have a thoughts.
That scares me most!
I feel like when I die I’ll eternally have to listen to my own thoughts…..
All alone…
In death I live the way I felt through life.
As you can tell, I’ve been a little needy.
I need a little love.
I’ve been a little something.
I don’t know how I’ve been feeling.
I’m all over the place.
I’m ready to make a real change.
I’ve been saying this for years.
I feel better….
Then I feel worse….
Then I feel better…..
It’s a crap life I live.
What happened to the innocence of life.
When mediocre things felt tragic.
When life seemed average.
Now that tragic feeling just seems average.
I’ve seen worse.
I’ve been through hell.
I’m seeing the light.
It seems so dim, but I see it.
I need to get on routine.
I know once I do that my ocd tendencies will show it’s ugly face.
My paranoia will get worst.
I hate to pick and choose.
Routine and paranoia….
Or depression and anxiety….
Either way, all will be present.
Less or more.
It’s the balance I’m worried about.

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Creature, Creature, Go away!

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I’m starting to feel like a dream
I know that makes no sense
My life of living feels
Like nothing is real anymore
Day by day the same old shit
Nothing new
I wake up
And wait to fall asleep
Just to do it over and over
I feel like since my mother has died
I’ve just been dreaming
I’m still dreaming
I’m physically a dream
I’m ready to wake up
And live life
I’m tired of sitting and thinking all day
My anxiety flows through my bones
Tears stream down my face
Anger fills my heart
I’m no longer Camille
I’m some evil horrid creature
I hate this person I have become
I WANT THIS TO ALL GO AWAY
But nothing ever goes my way
Why would it?
Only good things happen to bad people.
Its impossible to rid the good from my heart.
It over powers this….this thing.
Which i am thankful for.

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