Change within Minutes

I constantly feel like I’m bringing people down with me.

I feel like I’m ruining lives.
My depression is like a ship
and I’m sinking with it!
I’m taking a long passengers.
That don’t deserve to go down with me.
Ive been dealing with this for so long
i know i can handle it.
But not so much everyone else.
Many different situations in my life have made me as strong as i am.
Ive built up to this.
I was prepared.
Not so much others.
Sometimes, i feel like i should just do this alone.
What kind of mother, wife, friend
am i?
Spurts of happiness, turn to sadness
Its hard to explain anymore.
I almost don’t want to explain it anymore.
I don’t want people to know, I’m not happy.
But i am happy.
Why cant i just BE happy?
Why does it have to be an in between feeling?
That’s how it feels in between!
I know the happiness wont last.
I know the sadness wont last
nor the anger
It all goes away eventually
Sometimes all at the same time.
And i just sit there.
With a blank stare!
Now what?
Ive been doing that a lot lately.
Just staring.
Happy thoughts.
OH how i love thinking of happiness.
Its feels like I’m dreaming but in reality.
Does that make sense?
I just found out someone really close to me died.
I cried.
I got depressed.
but now…i feel peace surrounding me!
I have my 2 angels on each shoulder.
My mother and one of the greatest men I’ve ever know, my landlord!
They’ve both wanted the best from me!
One of the last things my mom wanted
was for me to graduate high school!
And i accomplished that.
One of the last things my landlord wanted
was for me to go to college.
And that’s my next goal!
I want to make him proud, i need to!
Theres only so many people in my life
that have seem to be sincere about me succeeding
and hes one them.
I wish i could’ve said goodbye at least.
I always tell myself if i knew my mom was going die when she did, it would make a difference.
I was prepared for this.
I knew he was dying.
But the pain is the same.
The last thing he said to me
was he loved me and hopes he will see me again.
As upset as i am
I’m fucking so happy he’s up there in heaven keeping my mother company.
You guys probably thinking I’m so fucking crazy for loving my landlord so much
But call me crazy!
Remember how i always talk about
regret, and cherish the ones you love?
Well i need to learn to take my own advice!
Before i knew he was sick, id always avoided him when he stopped by
I hated his nagging
He really treated me like i was his own daughter
So you can only imagine how annoying he was haha
But now, i regret it!
I miss his nagging.
I wish he could call me up right now and yell at me!
I’m going to miss the way he would call me up and say obnoxiously
“HELLLLLLOOOOO camille its jerrrrrrrrrrrry”
as if i didnt have caller id and have
Beethoven’s 5th Symphony as his ring tone!
I have nothing more to say
I just wish i never knew!
I hate death!
The crazy thing, is i feel like…somehow i knew he was gone.
I just wish my mama was here to talk to!
R.I.P Gerald Burke 10.10.44-9.12.12<3
You have made such a huge impact on my life and you dont even know it!
listen to maria mena calm under the waves!
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3 thoughts on “Change within Minutes

  1. kyrie says:

    I often feel I am ruining things and dragging others down with the burden of my existence. It is so difficult to find sincere people who want to help lift you up. No, I don’t believe it’s crazy you cared for your landlord so deeply because his sincerity in caring for you was certainly matched.

    • cpaynelove says:

      yes it is very hard. the sad thing is im pretty sure a lot of people sincerly care for me, but ive been hurt and screwed over so many times, that its hard to pick out the right ones…its easier to just assume no one cares!

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