Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get?
Like breathing, doing, and being.
Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted.
I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does.
My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little.
You would think I would know by now that tomorrow is never promised, but no, my brain says cut everyone off until I can get out of this funk.
Well that didn’t work out so well.
Fast forward to a couple of months of unfriendships, then one of my best friends passed away.
Pretty much how he always described to me he would.
I kick myself everyday over it.
What if I talked to him more over the months?
Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as broken as it is now.
I took HIS life for granted.
I assumed he’d always be there for me.
As I should’ve for him.
What’s worse is, because of his death I’m shutting myself out from the rest of the world even more!
Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves and never comes back.
Some literally and physically will never come back and others just make certain fuck it choices in life.
If I distance myself and stop Opening my very big heart to people, the less it’ll have to eventually break.
I hate crying, I hate hurting, I hate the ache in my heart I feel when it cracks a little more.
I want to talk to my best friend.
He never failed to make my heart feel warm.
He was the glass of wine coursing through my veins.
He would make me belly laugh on a day filled with tears.
He made everything feel like life was going to be ok even though he never practiced what he preached.
He gave me the light that I needed to guide me through my troubles.
He was my light, and now it’s gone out….
I don’t know where to go next, or even what to do.
My heart is telling me, to continue to love and open itself, but my brain is insisting I be alone.
Not everyone is meant for a life full of happiness.
What’s funny is, I necessarily dont even want true happiness.
I want contentment.
I want peace.
I want the freedom to open up my heart and my mind and not have to regret a thing.
I want to love and accept love without question.
I want to just live my life, instead of being so scared.
I live in fear, because I choose to live in fear.
When will i finally wake up.
I continue to trap myself in my own trap.
It’s a never ending cycle.