Tag Archives: death

#Fail

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I haven’t been feeling very well lately. 

But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.

Everything I do turns to dust!

It disintegrates….

Dissolves into nothingness.

In a nutshell

MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!

Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.

I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.

There’s no going back for me!

Camille’s gone with no sign of return.

All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.

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Simply….Crazy!

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I’ve been feeling a little off lately 

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands…. 

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises! 

 

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High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

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I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha 

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place… 

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way 

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

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Crazy, Crazy…I’m so Crazy!

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I’m super crazy

but not crazy enough to have a label.

or maybe I am. 

I just don’t want to admit it.

But yeah, i’m super crazy! 

I’m not crazy enough to be called crazy out loud

but crazy enough to say it under your breath.

I’m one of those people you talk about

but inside your head.

I’m beyond crazy !

but not crazy enough for to even acknowledge it to someone.

But I will let you know

 I’m crazy enough that you’ll never forget me though ;D

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NO Need to WhINE

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Sitting here….

Watching the ball drop alone….once again…

My kids asked me to wake them in time, I promised.

I held my end of the bargain.

Super happy 11:55 pm hit.

I wake them like they asked.

Pretty much they all looked at me and said “never mind, I want to go back to sleep”

They might as well of said “fuck you, let me sleep bitch!”

Well that’s how I perceived it.

My heart crushed with sadness

I ran to my room grabbed my journal (The one I only write in when I’m terribly upset)

And I started writing a “bucket list”

*Take a walk outside alone without feeling like your going to die.

*Take a vacation

*Buy something very expensive for just myself (at least $50 haha)

*Feel comfortable with myself.

*Stop being constantly paranoid.

*Stop over analyzing everything.

*See the ball drop in new York (for new years obviously)

*Get mental help.

*Live life be happy!

That’s literally what I wrote word for word in my journal.

As I was reading back what I wrote I realized this isn’t a bucket list.

It’s a goals list.

I think my sub conscience is telling me, this is what i have to do.

I literally just sub conscientiously mapped out the steps I need to take to finally be happy.

or at least feel normal…

Well not all the steps

But a few important ones.

The tricky part is overcoming my fears to even start the process.

I literally need to overcome EVERY FEAR I HAVE..

to become a better person.

I’m so used to a routine 

it slowly changes over time.

Slowly but surely I become someone new.

EVERY YEAR.

 Hopefully this year is it.

My time for something new.

But good new.

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In between Thoughtlessness

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I hate when people assume you act the way you act because your “drunk”
I do drink often But I’m a very functional drinker.
(I know that sounds cliche but I’m super serious ;P)
There’s no reason to make someone feel like shit because of their mental state whether they drink or not.
I wish I could actually be an nonfunctional drunk!
I wish I was an nonfunctional something so I could at least feel some silence in the world.
I’m just super annoyed, I just want the world to know I’m fine and functional.
Just nonfunctional in the sense that I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore….
Life is a mess
But it’s because I made it a mess
I’m a mess.
Sometimes when I watch TV shows
And see people yelling screaming saying what’s on there mind….
I only wish I could do that.
I just want to scream, and cry and scream again!
I want to punch a wall but that shit cost too much money!
I’m super cheap…..
I only wish I didn’t have to think about money .
I wish I didn’t have to think about problems.
I wish I didn’t have to think….
Just for one day….
I’m scared my mind will forever race
Through life, death or whatever in between….

 

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Running on Empty

1I’ve been caught in a strange place lately

I don’t know if i’m caring too much 

or if 

I’m caring too little

I’m going crazy missing my mother

And my anxiety is going absolutely insane

I’m increasingly becoming more paranoid about death 

And decreasing my love for society

I’m ready for the results I’ve been searching for 

I’m absolutely yearning for the must needed change i’m constantly talking about 

I know nothing is wrong with me

But i constantly feel like I need something 

Something is missing

It could just be the presence of my mother 

or my lack of sensibility

Why can’t i wake up now?

Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?

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Mind Games

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I feel like everyone thinks its a joke

How fast their life could be taken away…….

You can literally go to sleep and not wake up

You can be at a restaurant drinking a cup of tea and die

I feel like everything revolves around dying

I could go to sleep tonight and my kids never see me again

or never see one of my kids again

Am i the only person who realizes that?

Why is that not a concern to the rest of the world?

Does it take a close loved one to randomly die

to realize no one is safe?

Its so scary to think anything could happen

I feel like everyone is programmed to die at any moment

Life is a game of roulette.

now tell me….

Do you think you got lucky?!

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Different kind of crazy!

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I’ve been feeling very ill lately
And when I say ill I mean fucking crazy!
You know how I’m increasingly getting paranoid about EVERYTHING!
Well lately I’ve found myself rushing through life
I’m ready to be like 80 something
Seeing all my children’s have made it healthy and happy
And I’ve made it healthy and happy
Clearly Chris is added to this growing old concept as well.
Since my mom’s death in ’08 I’ve slowly become very paranoid about death.
I’m afraid everyone around me will die!
I don’t think I’m built for heartache.
I’ve recently become very emotionless.
I find myself not reacting to things the way I should be
Almost like I’m not listening.
I just don’t want to hear it
I don’t want to hear about peoples everyday life
There struggles or their accomplishments.
I’m struggling enough reminiscing about my unaccomplishments and my successions.
I can’t go to sleep without at least 10 different death scenarios running through my mind!
I’m afraid to go outside due to getting physically sick.
I’m afraid to be around people due to getting physically sick.
I’m afraid of doing anything due to getting deathly sick!
I’m constantly washing my hands
My hands are so dry and cracked from constantly washing them and constantly using hand sanitizer.
I touch a bowl….. I wash my hands.
My hand grazes a piece of paper…. I wash my hands.
I rub my damn eye….I wash my hands!
Then I have to sanitize them after I touch the faucet.
I’m tired of these stages of getting worst.
At points I feel better, but then moments like this I realize
I’m not getting better I’m just transferring my actions to different crazies.
I know i hate my paranoid crazy stage
But I hate my “I want to crawl in my bed and hide under my pink pillow in my corner crying” stage even more!
I know that’s next….
I feel it coming…..
This is just the calm before the storm.

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Comatose

why so serious

I often wonder if this real life…..
Am I dreaming?
Did Justin hit me so hard that I’m in some sort of coma?
Is this what a coma feels like?
How did I go from a completely happy carefree life
To this garbage?
I’m not saying I’m not happy
But I’m not completely satisfied.
6 years from my mother’s passing is quickly approaching
And its still hard to believe she’s gone
She’s missing out on my life
My children’s lives
I don’t have someone to call up and express my concerns
There’s no mother of the bride for me
No one to do my yearly Christmas shopping with
I’ve never had any normalcy in my life.
that’s all I want, just one ounce of normalcy
I’ve realized I’ve never really made any good choices in my life.
Chris was probably my first great choice
But every choice I’ve made leading up to him
Has screwed me over
I’m talking like I’ve lived such a full life!
I’m only 24 but I feel like I’m 40
I grew up so fast!
I’ve learned not to trust anyone at a young age.
I not only became a parent as a child, but I also lost my parents as a child.
I’m scared of everything
People think I’m this amazing super mom figure.
Pshh….I’m far from it.
A super mom wouldn’t be afraid to leave the house!
Talk to people, have a job, get things done!
My anxieties restrict me from a lot.
My grandparents have seen my 3 sisters succeed at different things at life.
My grandparents are all we have.
I feel like I’m the one who has failed them.
There old, and I want them to feel comfortable knowing
I’ve done something great!
I’m finally doing something for myself!
I’m finally breaking out of my shell and no longer afraid.
But I’m far from that.
I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
It seems hopeless at this point.
I’m just ready to wake up from this nightmare already!
How the hell can I wake up from this coma!!!

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