Category Archives: Recovery

Ridiculous Thoughts

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I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

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Before And After

1

I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better ūüėČ

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself ūüôā

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

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According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with ¬†myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

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LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

8

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities¬†

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense…..¬†

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my¬†punctuation’s, or my¬†grammar¬†or the way i spell¬†because¬†honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

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Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

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Crazy, Sexy, Cool….Scratch the last two, simply just Crazy!

gh

Lately I’ve been feeling some sort of way.

I can’t even describe it, well beside saying the word…..ANXIETY.

But you guys hear that enough.

I constantly feel like throwing up. 

I can feel it intensifying.

My schedule has constantly been changing.

I’m slowly becoming detached and honestly don’t care.

But yet I care about everything

I’m over it…..!

I’m constantly filled with guilt.

Yet there’s nothing to confess.

I’m constantly paranoid.

Yet i know there’s nothing to worry about.

Why has my life gone in this direction?

Why am I letting it go in this direction?

I’m slowly going crazy, i’m completely losing my mind.¬†

I don’t show it, but I always feel it, in every bone in my body and every ounce of my soul.

I believe this will never end.

I refuse to come to terms with that.

My life isn’t bad, My heart knows that.

But when will my mind?

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Hey everyone! i know i’m so random with the post lately, and when i say lately i really mean for like the last 3 years I’ve been writing haha! but I would really appreciate it if you guys would come like my crochet page on facebook, it would totally help me out bunches ;D please like and share, HEY! maybe even buy ;P ¬†also follow me on instagram @cpaynelove…THANKS ūüėÄ

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Induced by Insanity

7

I use to feel lost and alone

I often very much so still do 

I feel so empty

The only thing that keeps me going 

is my patience

I may feel like things are bad

I may feel like things aren’t worth it

but I know it’ll only last so long

My time is coming

I KNOW my time is coming

Patience is a virtue…..

All that matters is, how long i can last

and if you know me well enough by now

i LOVE a challenge ;P

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Dazed, Crazed, and Completely Insane

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I’m sitting here wondering
How the fuck did my mind
Become deranged
In the sense that life is different
What happened to waking up smiling
What happened to my natural encouragement to others
I remember pretending things were okay in school
Mr.tripler pulling me out of class asking me if
“I needed help”
I wanted help
I yearned for help
I should’ve told him then
I’ll never forget that day
I should’ve told him Justin beat me
I should’ve told him I was being threatened
I hate that I can still think of things like that
I hate that I have such a great memory
I can remember almost anything
Down to the last detail
I’m convince I have a photographic memory at times
I wonder if its part of my ptsd
or if I was born like this
my mind wonders in ways I never thought possible
sipping wine
is like a refreshing drink of lemonade on a hot day
I can’t get enough of it
I’m not even affected anymore
it’s just comforting, something I crave now
I crave comfort
like the comfort you get in your mothers arms
a feeling I no longer can possess
a feeling I once again yearn
I find comfort in other places
growing up the way I did
its something you just deal with
I was brought up tough and for as long as I remember
Ive always been tough
but tough I am not
I take my feelings out in my crochet I keep my mind busy
I make friends with my fish
I take pride in my fish
its hard for me to stick to a hobby
but fish and yarn is all that I’ve held onto
I feel like a crazy cat lady
replace the cats with fish
and there I am
a frumpy women obsessed with things that can’t necessarily¬†love them back
but forced to love haha
I just wanna feel like something or someone truly loves me
wants me
but ill never witness that feeling
That part of me was stripped away
when people I thought loved or cared
started to hurt me or disappear

weeeappaaaa

My parents young and in love ‚̧

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Crazy, She Wrote

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I’ve been telling myself to blog lately
I don’t know why I haven’t blogged
And I don’t know why I keep giving the same bullshit story
I’m not blogging probably because I’m lazy
And I’m afraid of everyone reading my thoughts
I often feel crazy
And confused
I feel lost like I’m going no where
I have nothing to brag about to my kids
I’m a stay at home mother of 3
And see the same walls everyday
No job
No college
Chris does everything
Yeah I raise my kids
But I wish I could be one of those moms who do it all
I have such intense social anxiety
I can’t do anything
Talking over the internet isn’t even okay
This isn’t any type of life to live
In my head I’m outgoing
Talkative
I love people
I don’t want my kids
To ever feel the way I do
My mother loved being around people
And even seeing my sisters they seem the say way
They all have seen school after highschool
Except me
I often tell myself at least I went back to school
But then again also the other pregos I went to school with
Did too and then some
I don’t know what I’m looking for
I just want a purpose
I’m a good person who wants to do good things
I’m just scared
I’ve been very emotional lately
I don’t know if its because of the holidays
Or because I’m just paranoid
Nothing seems normal anymore
I’m traumatized by pretty much anything
Abuse, death, abandonment
Anybody I have ever loved had either hurt me or left me or both
I feel like there’s only so many people who can
Survive certain…hmp…..situations
I’ve gotten¬†threw
Abuse, death, abandonment, deployment
A lot
I’m due for something good
I’m not a bad person
I just don’t understand
this “circle of life” thing
I just want to have one good
relaxing I don’t give a fuck day
without my mind racing
my weird strange “and breathe” fits
Anxiousness is not fun
and whats even worst?
not even knowing what your anxious about
I don’t even know what my mind is racing about half the time
blahh, blahh, blah!
am I boring you guys yet?
see im paranoid
No one likes me, everyone hates me, and no one gives a shit
Whats funny is, I honestly don’t give 2 fucks
or even one fuck
but I think deep deep deeeeeeep in my conscience of caringness
I fucking do!
see you see how much my mind races?
Im pulling compassion out of my filing cabinets from like 2005
What the freak is happening haha
I guess the good that comes out of all this
experience
I can calm people through
almost the worst of the worst
and even if I haven’t been through the worst
I’ve been though enough
to understand, and not judge
maybe that’s my purpose

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Lost in my Thoughts and awakened to this?!

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i don’t know why I’ve been thinking about my mother so much lately

I watched a documentary earlier

on a women who was in jail for over 25 years

who was a¬†“battered women”

then she developed lung cancer and had 6 more months to live

she had 2 kids, one of which was with the man she killed

[because he abused her, oh and she got out after 25 years]

probably 3 hrs afterwards I thought

I rather go my whole life

[which one of the daugthers did, her mother died 10 months after she got out of jail]

not knowing my mother and get just 10 months of my adult life with her

when your young I realize you don’t appreciate as much

I wish I appreciated her

I didn’t fight with her like some teenagers do with there moms

but when I did it was bad

and obviously I’m full of regret

I wanna give her 10 months of love

I wanna hold her and tell her how much good she did

I almost feel like she died out of sadness

it actually kills me to know I have true happiness

she might’ve found some sort of¬†happiness from my father

[which personally I think is bullshit, but whatever]

but I know she probably never felt the happiness I do

my father is scum

as much as I try to convince myself that I love him and need him

I know its

just wanting something most people have

I feel like I need a parent

but if the parent is him

I rather pass

why choose someone to be in your life who chooses themselves

I’m jeal of Chris, whether he knows it or not

its not fair he can have parents

its not fair that I cant turn to someone with my problems

or ask questions when I have no clue what to do with my grown up life

its not fair that I can enjoy my children

without having someone I physically came from to show them off too

I’ve learned over time to ignore it

I’ve had a little more time then my sisters

each holiday gets harder because of my kids

[my older sister is the only one out of my 3 sisters with children]

and honestly I’m not gonna lie it gets harder every year

I’ve had a couple years over them not to brag or anything

which honestly theres nothing to brag about cause like I’ve said it gets harder

you see them laugh and smile

every year they ask a question every now and then

my son knows my mother is in heaven

and I tell him my father is dead

[he actually thinks my father is his uncle but whatever]

but I feel like its the right thing

I rather them not get attached to something that’s not there

my father is pointless but I miss him

my mother was everything

the one person I looked forward to learning from

and now all I have [parental wise]

is my grandparents

and when they go its going to be like losing actual parents

all over again

fuck my fucking life right?!

honestly nothings fair

keep your distance from people you love

it makes shit easier

fuck that!

I wanna be heartless

but I cant

I love who I can

as long as I can

its like a blessing actually

now I know to appreciate those around me

im paranoid about death but at least

I can still love

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Oh the convenience of me not being in this wonderful family photo

a great ol’ pic of my parents and my 3 sisters

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Crazy, Fucked Up, Unexplainable Maddness i tell ya!

1

I often wonder what if?

You all know I say that way too much!

I caught myself thinking my mother was alive the other day…AGAIN!¬†

I was staring at my kids

Thinking how cute and how much they’ve grown

I couldn’t wait to call my mother and tell her sienna said “ryleigh”

But then I realized There’s no one to call

My mothers dead

I started thinking “What if” AGAIN!

What if my mother was alive?

She would TOTALLY be happy!

I feel like she lived for grandchildren

Now she has them and can’t enjoy them

I know I often rant about the same things over and over again

I find peace

Then I lose it

Then I find peace again!

When will this crazy fucked up madness end?!

This past month I have loved Chris.

Okay yeahhh that sounds crazy writing that

but seriously sometimes my brain blacks out

and I cant control my anger

I absolutely start hating people

Flipping out

Most of it comes out on Chris.

If he even stares at me I yell

If I sense hes going to touch my shoulder I yell

I swear I have eyes in the back of my head

ears as big as dumbo

and senses that would scare some sort of supernatural being

[sorry for that one I’ve been watching vamp dies on Netflix all week]

I feel like I’m a crazy powerful human that would and could¬†fuck your world up

but I choose not too

I choose to breathe

I choose the neutral, healthy, I-just-want-the-world-to-love-me-approach

I’m choosing to be like my mother

In the sense that I wanna be a people person

I just need to fuck this anxiety’s world up first

Anxiety=A Lot

Camille=Zeroooooo

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Underground

3

Today is going to be one of those days

Theirs a chill of disappointment in the air

My breathing is so intense

I’m trying to contain my anxiety

Inside this little tiny box inside my body

But the box wants to burst open

I can never keep it shut

why cant I keep it shut?!

I had such pride that I refused to get help

But I’m starting to believe its¬†selfish to hold onto that pride

Look what I’m doing to myself

I’m pushing myself towards craziness

What if I stopped this anxiety long ago

Maybe my illness wouldn’t of morphed so suddenly

Everything is happening slowly but surely

now I don’t just worry about anxiety and depression

Now I have to worry about concocting fake situations in my head

fake hatred

fake illnesses

Fake problems

Nothing seems real to me anymore

I cant sift through the truth like I use to

I freak out

I feel like a freak

Because I freak out

over something made wrong

or finding something 2ft from the place it should be

I snap!

I no longer hold my tongue

Words just pour out of my mouth

Like a waterfall

I cant stop it

I try to apologize

I want to apologize

But apologizing

Would mean explanation

Which would lead to

More anxiety

More depression

More paranoia

More seclusion

I despise seclusion

And all of thee above conclusions

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