Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad

I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out

I’m so confused on what to do next

I just want the crying to stop

And the sleepless nights to end

When will the sun come out ?

I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day

And going to sleep to a stormy night

My brain is a giant storm cloud

And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis

Not even an umbrella can shield my pain

Gloom surrounds me

I move forward

Gloom moves forward

I try to ignore my thoughts

And here’s gloom ringing a bell shouting “did you miss me? I’m over here”!

I can’t seem to shut it off

I’ve been listening to music to bed, in hopes it overpowers everything

It only helps so much….

Why must I be so afraid of everything?

Looks like another sleepless night

I am Fear.

I’m not very good at being a person.

I’m always sad.

I’m always moody.

I cry a lot… alone.

I don’t like people, they make me feel uncomfortable.

I hate being in public.

I hate talking, but I just can’t stop.

My mind is always running and the only thing that seems to help is to talk over it.

I say things I’ll regret or repeat over and over in my head until I regret it.

I can never sleep right.

I always have one ear open

Every little noise wakes me up.

Once I’m awake, my mind goes right back to full blast!

I can’t make it stop

I thought I’d be cured by now

But I’m only getting worse.

I’m more afraid of life each passing day

And every morning I lay there and wonder what I’m going to find new about myself that day.

What new fear will come crashing into me

Just adding even more weight on my shoulders.

I can barely leave my house anymore.

I miss the sun.

I miss the breeze.

All my favorite things seem so far gone.

Including me.

KthxBye.

It’s so hard waking up in the morning

Knowing I have to start the day again.

I feel so empty yet so full inside.

I’m filled with fear and grief, sadness and hate, anger and confusion.

I’m filled with every emotion, pretty much

Besides contentment with a side of normalcy and a sprinkle of happiness.

I feel out of place and uncomfortable.

But that’s what happens when your afraid of everything on top of feeling alone.

In my feelings, in my life, inside my head

I’m being broken down piece by piece, day by day, year by year.

I can’t breathe anymore.

I’m under water, I can see the sun but it doesn’t matter.

I’m being weigh down by my thoughts.

I’m losing

I feel like I can’t see the sun anymore

I’m just surrounded by darkness

And instead of beautiful fish, all I see are ugly words of self hate.

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I hate feeling like a shell

I can’t do this anymore

I need my sanity back

I want ME back.

Tick Tock.

Don’t Trip.

Remember a while back I was ranting about how comfortable we get?

Like breathing, doing, and being.

Well I’m raising my comfiness to simply just taking things for granted.

I don’t know why my thought process insist on working the way it does.

My grandfather passed away so obviously that means I have to stop talking to anyone who even cares about me a little.

You would think I would know by now that tomorrow is never promised, but no, my brain says cut everyone off until I can get out of this funk.

Well that didn’t work out so well.

Fast forward to a couple of months of unfriendships, then one of my best friends passed away.

Pretty much how he always described to me he would.

ALONE.

I kick myself everyday over it.

What if I talked to him more over the months?

Maybe my heart wouldn’t be as broken as it is now.

I took HIS life for granted.

I assumed he’d always be there for me.

As I should’ve for him.

What’s worse is, because of his death I’m shutting myself out from the rest of the world even more!

Everyone I’ve ever cared about always leaves and never comes back.

Some literally and physically will never come back and others just make certain fuck it choices in life.

If I distance myself and stop Opening my very big heart to people, the less it’ll have to eventually break.

I hate crying, I hate hurting, I hate the ache in my heart I feel when it cracks a little more.

I want to talk to my best friend.

He never failed to make my heart feel warm.

He was the glass of wine coursing through my veins.

He would make me belly laugh on a day filled with tears.

He made everything feel like life was going to be ok even though he never practiced what he preached.

He gave me the light that I needed to guide me through my troubles.

He was my light, and now it’s gone out….

I don’t know where to go next, or even what to do.

My heart is telling me, to continue to love and open itself, but my brain is insisting I be alone.

Not everyone is meant for a life full of happiness.

What’s funny is, I necessarily dont even want true happiness.

I want contentment.

I want peace.

I want the freedom to open up my heart and my mind and not have to regret a thing.

I want to love and accept love without question.

I want to just live my life, instead of being so scared.

I live in fear, because I choose to live in fear.

When will i finally wake up.

I continue to trap myself in my own trap.

It’s a never ending cycle.

Short Sweet And Straight to the Point!

Sometimes I can’t believe I did that to myself
I put myself through so much pain for a man
It’s probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done
People truly do dumb things for love
I’m a living example
I chose pain, heartache, abuse
Just for love
And in return I not only lost love
But I lost myself
Losing myself was the biggest sacrifice ever!
Who knows when the hell I’ll even get it back
Sometimes I feel like I’m there
But not quite
And the days I feel closer
It all goes away with one single thought process, memory, trigger….WHATEVER!
Then I have to start over
 It’s like a maze
And I have no fucking clue how the fuck to get to the finish line
It’s the most frustrating thing ever
I can’t wait till this part of my life is over with
Can we just skip to the light at the end of the tunnel
You know the non anxiety one!

Helpless Selfish Love

I’m tired of feeling neglected

When I know I’m not being neglected

I’m so needy

I want things

I assume people can read my thoughts

I want people to know what I want automatically

I wanna be surprised and feel loved

Is that to much to ask for?

I know I’m loved

But I wanna feel it

I wanna know someone went that extra exciting mile

My life is so blah and plain

Same shit different day

I need change

A mix up

I don’t know what I want

But I need it

I need excitement

And I need it like yesterday

Sock it to meeeeeeee!

All Aboard the Crazy Train!

I wanna be stable!

I’m tired of thinking I’m doing good then BAM!

Everything is back to normal.

Its funny i say anxiety and depression is my normal.

It makes me even more depressed just thinking about it.

I shouldn’t be calling my illness MY “normal”

My day revolves around my illness

My mind is constantly focused on my illness.

PTSD has consumed my entire life.

My husband deserves someone more stable then I !

and i cant give it to him.

This is my life.

and no matter what people try and tell me

I’m strong and beautiful and inspiring.

Or how much people try and fix me.

Ill forever be trapped in this lifestyle.

Lost in this crazy train of thought!

I will never get better

and i must face it.

This is my reality

I need to learn to embrace the good

and stop dwelling on the past

and the things that have

caused my mind to be so fucked up!

Ive boarded this ride

with no expectations as a teen.

And my decisions have taken me

to a foreign place.

I must relearn everything I’ve already known.

and that’s my problem.

Instead of adapting to my surroundings.

I’m going through the old motions.

Reliving life once again.

I need to calm down.

Stop over thinking.

Stop panicking.

And go with the flow.

I must trust that life will guide me through the perfect path.

Whats going to happen will happen regardless

and i must remind myself that!

my mind is runn…

my mind is running today…to some, that may seem like a good thing, but for people like me…its not!

BitterSweet

Im currently feeling bittersweet!

Im in a bitter mood.

and could use some fucking chocolate!

[Insert Witty Title Here]

I just posted a picture on my husbands facebook page

[see below]

and i wrote the caption

“only because you know i hate being touched ♥ haha”

and it just made me think

I wasn’t always like that.

My husband deals with so much of my bullshit

I don’t see how a guy could marry a woman

Who cant even share the same blanket!

Yes! you read that right.

I, Camille Payne

Do not and Will NOT, share a blanket with my husband

Its uncomfortable

and just thinking about someone Else’s skin touching my skin

is making me sick to my stomach!

I’m not the cuddling type either.

Yes, i wanna cuddle

but, no i will not cuddle with you!

Its gross, Its weird, and once again UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

makes me wonder how i ended up having 3 kids Right ;D

[okay maybe I’m being dramatic, cuddling isn’t gross]

but seriously i cant do it.

I think i have a mental block on that part of my life

From my abused days

Its taken me a while to get used to people again

around the time i met Chris

was around the time i actually stopped

flinching when people went to grab something

or had to raise there hand

or just give me a simple hug!

Living like that sucks

people who didn’t know my story were confused

Its honestly embarrassing

and i think that’s where my mental block comes in

I think deep down

I feel like, if I’m not being touched

and i don’t give anybody a reason to touch me

then i wont be scared

and ill be safe forever

I CANT BE ABUSED PHYSICALLY IF YOU CANT TOUCH ME

and i know my husband would never hurt me in that way

but mentally

I’m going to continue to live like a hermit

and stay in my little shell

Cause i know the second i let my gaurd down for anybody

Thats when ill get screwed!