Illegally Insane

I know i act like i’m okay

I want to feel okay

I’m psyching myself out to feel okay 

but im not….

I miss my mom.

I miss my life.

I miss myself.

I wonder what life could’ve been. 

You only have one life. 

and i feel like i’m not where i want to be. 

I want be where I thought i’d be by now!

I had tons of goals.

and they all went out the window 

but they went out the window 

because of my anxiety

my depression 

my PTSD………..

i’m gone.

i’m no longer know myself.

I don’t even know myself anymore.

I don’t even think my husband does…..

I no longer have words for how i feel.

IM FOREVER LOST!

and drunk ;P

Crazy, Sexy, Cool….Scratch the last two, simply just Crazy!

Lately I’ve been feeling some sort of way.

I can’t even describe it, well beside saying the word…..ANXIETY.

But you guys hear that enough.

I constantly feel like throwing up. 

I can feel it intensifying.

My schedule has constantly been changing.

I’m slowly becoming detached and honestly don’t care.

But yet I care about everything

I’m over it…..!

I’m constantly filled with guilt.

Yet there’s nothing to confess.

I’m constantly paranoid.

Yet i know there’s nothing to worry about.

Why has my life gone in this direction?

Why am I letting it go in this direction?

I’m slowly going crazy, i’m completely losing my mind. 

I don’t show it, but I always feel it, in every bone in my body and every ounce of my soul.

I believe this will never end.

I refuse to come to terms with that.

My life isn’t bad, My heart knows that.

But when will my mind?

Hey everyone! i know i’m so random with the post lately, and when i say lately i really mean for like the last 3 years I’ve been writing haha! but I would really appreciate it if you guys would come like my crochet page on facebook, it would totally help me out bunches ;D please like and share, HEY! maybe even buy ;P  also follow me on instagram @cpaynelove…THANKS 😀

Dont Play me, Play Lotto

I hate being treated like a fool

That’s one thing I’ve learned from my life experiences

I’m not a fool

So don’t treat me like one

All of you

Everyone

I hate it

I hate keeping my mouth shut

I hate acting clueless

I fucking hate it

I hate you And you and you and you and fuckkkkking YOU!

I’m starting to resent everyone

Dispise life

People

I hate people

If I could I would stop talking to everyone

EVERYONE!

I’m not your average girl

Fuck that

I’m not your average human being

I can read you like a book

Trust me

I’m not dumb

I may act it

But I’m smarter then I look

Like I said I hate being treated like a fool

Fuck off

And don’t fuck with me

Cause I will explode

And punch you in the face

Leave me the fuck alone!

EVERYONE!!!

Binge, Binge, Binge!!!

I feel like punching someone in the face!

Don’t ask me why because i have no clue why.

I’m fucking angry right now and i don’t know what at!

I cant wait till Chris home so i cant take a moment to myself

and hoard myself in the bedroom and stare at the ceiling!

I’m fucking aggravated!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m binge eating

Yes, I’m fucking binge eating

I should really be upstairs working out

But instead I’m sitting here on the computer

stuffing my god damn face with nonsense!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m gonna regret all this food I’m eating

But it taste sooo freaking good

I wish i was at a buffet right now

So i could eat every last horrible feeling away!

Bitch Say….WhaaaOblivious?!

Your oblivious to life

Your surroundings

To people

You wanna see the good

Your convinced there’s good in this world

You don’t wanna feel used or abused

Which really confuses me

Because you are

You may not see it now

But you are, you just can’t see it

Its like an invisible bubble

And it keeps expanding Soon it’ll pop!

And the motive will be shown

I hate when people ignore you till there’s a purpose

There should always be a purpose

My love, our relationship, or friendship

Should be the purpose.

Its a blessing and a curse I was brought up with such a cold hearted soul

That’s filled with a secret pocket of compassion, sympathy, and love

I let it be shown to those who deserve it

But if you screw me over

Bet your bottom dollar that ill cut you off in a heartbeat

I don’t care who you are Trust me

I haven’t spoken or even looked at my father in a year

And do you know what It feels good

I have no stress over it

My suggestion is cut anyone off that uses you

Picks and chooses

when to be your father, mother, brother,sister, family, or friend

I know its hard

But its not worth The heartache you receive when you open your eyes

And realize they don’t really care

Your there backup and always will be

Its heartbreaking But I guarantee they’ll get over it

And move on to the next!

You Know What i Always Say!? Yeah, Me Neither!

I have such bad anxiety right now

I’m in an “in between” phase

Since I’ve been working out, i haven’t had an anxiety attack in 3 weeks

but right now.

This instant in life.

I feel stuck!

Jittery, my OCD is acting up.

Its all coming back.

Go away, Go away, Go! awayy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep rubbing my eyes and covering my face

as if everything is going to disappear.

Its funny though

I have the same reaction every time i open my eyes

and see everything is still the same.

I scratch my head and chuckle

“Ahhh!!! life’s so hilarious sometimes”

Yes, i say that out loud!

Yes, I talk to myself!

Yes, I’m fucking crazyyyyyyyyy!!!!

And do you know what?

I just repeated that process.

I just repeated it at least 7 times in the last 5 minutes.

Rocking back and fourth.

Back and fourth rocking.

As if its going to disappear.

Caressing my hair.

Trying to sooth myself.

Open close, open close, open close.

There goes my OCD again!

Please go away

Why are you coming back?

Why did you have to be triggered?

Why cant you leave me alone?!

My first reaction is to get some wine.

But i haven’t had a sip in almost 2 months.

So I’m just going to sit here and let it pass

and eventually go to sleep.

Sad thing is, i know it’ll return in the morning.

Sleep is only temporary and so are my attacks.

Anxiety, Depression, Ptsd can all fucking SUCK IT!

I don’t know what to blog about anymore

my thoughts are empty

yet all over the place at the same time.

I feel fat and ugly and lack the confidence

i know i should have and deserve.

I feel unwanted, and lonely.

No one can help me, but myself.

I just don’t know how to figure that out!

I want to feel healthy.

I want the strength that i possess

to shine on the inside as it does on the out.

I’m finally going to admit I’m stuck.

Ive always been a loner

But i feel like i need people.

I need to feel wanted.

I want to be surrounded by happiness.

I’m confused on how my life has gotten to this point.

I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt sane.

Nor entirely happy and content.

The smallest thing, can shoot me into depression.

Trigger my anxiety.

And make me feel burdensome.

I’m so needy and i hate it!

I fucking despise the amount of love, i need and want.

I hate everyone, but yet i need everyone

to keep me going

to compliment me

build me up.

I was never like that.

I miss myself

and want her back.

I’ve never wanted something so fucking bad in my life!

I no longer want to feel misunderstood.

or a burden.

I no longer want to explain my actions

or why i feel the way i do.

There unexplainable.

And i wish people would understand that.

If i went down a normal path

and come across someone like my current self

I’d call them crazy.

Its hard to think someone

who looks so normal

could be suffering so much on the inside

and have no clue why.

I cant explain myself, nor explain my feelings.

Its frustrating, just flat out fucking frustrating!

I miss smiling.

Stop Consuming Me, Thoughts!

I can feel myself getting meaner.

You know the whole “not giving a shit” thing.

I feel myself taking it literally.

[OK, not literally in a gross way]

But literally in the sense that, i cant hold my tongue.

I’m starting to lash out at my husband for no reason.

He ask me a question, i lash out.

He tells me I’m beautiful, i lash out.

He cant hear me over skype, i lash out.

[when i say lash out i mean..yell, get angry, you know the whole 9]

When i don’t hear what i wanna hear, when i want to hear it.

I get so fucking angry, i know people aren’t mind readers

but they should be for my benefit.

My anger isn’t consistent

I’m completely happy one second, the next I’m angry!

2 seconds later, everything is fine.

Just thinking of my mood swings makes me want to cry.

I’m so frustrated with myself.

I’m frustrated that i cant control these feelings.

I pray that people i secretly hate

don’t come in contact with me.

I’m to the point that i can no longer hold back my thoughts.

They just come out.

If i don’t say them, i get frustrated.

If i get frustrated, i get angry.

and if i get angry and there still in my face.

Be prepared to get punched!

But also on that note, even if i do like you

I still might give you an attitude, but its not intentional at all.

hah sometimes i wonder how many people i was actually

close friends with at one point are like

“Good thing i don’t talk to this bitch anymore”

and i can only imagine all my ex boyfriends saying

“Good thing i left that bitch when i did, shes fucking crazy”

None of them could possibly be saying that

but i guess that goes along with me low self esteem.

And my thought process of being an

Ugly, fat worthless piece of crap!

Let me Enlighten you, While you Enlighten me!

Let me enlighten you!

I’m really going to try and explain this in semi detail for you guys.

Ill use a lot of comparisons, metaphors, what not!

Ok so, do you know that “You cant get mad at me, I’m not touching you”

game you probably played as a kid?

Well I’m that kid who “supposedly” wasn’t getting touched!

My anxiety, is like that kid breathing down your neck, or hoovering over your shoulder

while your trying to concentrate.

Its like that little kid following you

you can feel his every move

His body heat, dragging behind you!

Jittery.

Paranoid.

Scared.

Nervous.

Sweaty.

Hot.

Itchy.

My depression is like that fly, that wont go away!

You don’t see it for awhile but then it comes back.

You think you killed it but you didn’t.

It appears no matter where you go!

Its like Christmas.

Your so happy to open presents

just to find out, you didn’t get what you wanted.

Disappointment.

Sadness.

Happiness.

Anger.

Hopeless.

Faithless.

Thoughtless.

Ugly.

My thoughts feel as if I’m doing a workout.

I’m tired, i want to stop..but i don’t.

I’m striving for something

so i push harder.

Racing.

Heart pounding.

Lost.

Blank.

Everywhere.

Puzzling.

My mood is like a chameleon.

Its constantly changing with the environment.

Refer back to Depression!

My OCD

makes me anxious, its trigger when my anxiety is.

Its that itch you cant scratch.

Nothing feels right

I have to touch you!

You have to touch me!

I have to touch it

PERFECTLY!

Open, close, open, close

My hands!

They don’t feel right

Open, close, open, close

Till they feel perfect

I really cant explain it, any better

It just happens, and i cant control it!

I CANT CONTROL ANY OF IT!

It feels like I’ve lost myself.

I am losing myself.

I lack personality.

I don’t know who i am anymore.

and its scares me.

Now enlighten me, tell me I’m normal!

Change within Minutes

I constantly feel like I’m bringing people down with me.

I feel like I’m ruining lives.

My depression is like a ship

and I’m sinking with it!

I’m taking a long passengers.

That don’t deserve to go down with me.

Ive been dealing with this for so long

i know i can handle it.

But not so much everyone else.

Many different situations in my life have made me as strong as i am.

Ive built up to this.

I was prepared.

Not so much others.

Sometimes, i feel like i should just do this alone.

What kind of mother, wife, friend

am i?

Spurts of happiness, turn to sadness

Anger 

Confusion!

Its hard to explain anymore.

I almost don’t want to explain it anymore.

I don’t want people to know, I’m not happy.

But i am happy.

Why cant i just BE happy?

Completely

Why does it have to be an in between feeling?

That’s how it feels in between!

I know the happiness wont last.

I know the sadness wont last

nor the anger

It all goes away eventually

Sometimes all at the same time.

And i just sit there.

With a blank stare!

Now what?

Ive been doing that a lot lately.

Just staring.

THINKING.

Happy thoughts.

OH how i love thinking of happiness.

Its feels like I’m dreaming but in reality.

Does that make sense?

I just found out someone really close to me died.

I cried.

I got depressed.

but now…i feel peace surrounding me!

I have my 2 angels on each shoulder.

My mother and one of the greatest men I’ve ever know, my landlord!

They’ve both wanted the best from me!

One of the last things my mom wanted

was for me to graduate high school!

And i accomplished that.

One of the last things my landlord wanted

was for me to go to college.

And that’s my next goal!

I want to make him proud, i need to!

Theres only so many people in my life

that have seem to be sincere about me succeeding

and hes one them.

I wish i could’ve said goodbye at least.

I always tell myself if i knew my mom was going die when she did, it would make a difference.

I was prepared for this.

I knew he was dying.

But the pain is the same.

The last thing he said to me

was he loved me and hopes he will see me again.

As upset as i am

I’m fucking so happy he’s up there in heaven keeping my mother company.

You guys probably thinking I’m so fucking crazy for loving my landlord so much

But call me crazy!

Remember how i always talk about

regret, and cherish the ones you love?

Well i need to learn to take my own advice!

Before i knew he was sick, id always avoided him when he stopped by

I hated his nagging

He really treated me like i was his own daughter

So you can only imagine how annoying he was haha

But now, i regret it!

I miss his nagging.

I wish he could call me up right now and yell at me!

I’m going to miss the way he would call me up and say obnoxiously

“HELLLLLLOOOOO camille its jerrrrrrrrrrrry”

as if i didnt have caller id and have

Beethoven’s 5th Symphony as his ring tone!

I have nothing more to say

I just wish i never knew!

I hate death!

The crazy thing, is i feel like…somehow i knew he was gone.

I just wish my mama was here to talk to!

R.I.P Gerald Burke 10.10.44-9.12.12<3

You have made such a huge impact on my life and you dont even know it!

listen to maria mena calm under the waves!