Tag Archives: recovery

Simply….Crazy!

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I’ve been feeling a little off lately 

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands…. 

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises! 

 

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Crazy, Crazy…I’m so Crazy!

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I’m super crazy

but not crazy enough to have a label.

or maybe I am. 

I just don’t want to admit it.

But yeah, i’m super crazy! 

I’m not crazy enough to be called crazy out loud

but crazy enough to say it under your breath.

I’m one of those people you talk about

but inside your head.

I’m beyond crazy !

but not crazy enough for to even acknowledge it to someone.

But I will let you know

 I’m crazy enough that you’ll never forget me though ;D

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Paralyzed Lost Girl!

wp-1450137724479.jpgAnxiety is a fucking bitch.
I constantly feel like I’m wrapped up in a cocoon and can’t breath….Or move.
I often suffer from sleep paralysis.
For those who don’t know what that is
It’s the worst
It’s when your awake but can’t move or speak, but it also feels like you can’t breathe.
It happens to me a lot
But I’m still not use to it
You would think I would be considering
That’s how I feel through life!
Paralyzed….
Speechless….
My anxiety is starting to feel like I’m trapped In a box, with spiders and lady bugs
As crazy as it sounds I hate spiders and lady bugs
Spiders COULD BE deadly
And lady bugs just smell (honestly, and I believe they bring luck)
It’s like a love, hate situation
I’ve gotten so used to my problems that it’s all I know.
I recently had one day of clarity.
It felt so good!
I felt like a normal human.
I had cares, in the world
But they didn’t mean shit to me.
I remembered how good it felt to fit into society!
That’s all I want in life.
I’m tired of feeling trapped.
I’m exhausted from feeling unwanted.
I know I’m wanted, even if it’s just by one person…
I’m just so needy
I’m trying to feel what I lost so long ago.
I’m just trying to make up for lost times!
I don’t just want to feel loved!
I think I’m searching for something a little more….

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Not Much to say…Anxiety= 1 thousand Camille= Nothing

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im starting to feel lost

oh so lost

my anxiety is so bad I can’t even blog anymore

the thought of “interacting”

with people in some sort of way

is freaking crazyyy

I love feeling lost in a sense though

the sense that it makes me lose track of life

the stress, the constant thoughts racing through my head

one can only take so much before they break down

I can only take so much before I break down

lately my breakdowns have been going through 2 or 3 month intervals

and even though Chris and I are happy there happening less

there hitting harder

I had a break down a couple of weeks ago

I felt aggravated

next thing I knew

I was full blown screaming and crying on Chris

it only lasted a couple minutes before I realized I had to control myself

go back to pretending I was perfect

like I was “tough as nails” as my dad would say

I almost wish I possessed the strength I had when I was with Justin [my abuser]

as crappy as that’s sounds

but  I feel like that’s when I had the most strength

I felt like I could say what I wanted had the most confidence

I was trying to prove something

and even though Ive decided that portion of my life is said and done and over with

that confidence I had went too

and with that I gain my emotions back

10 fold

its crappy

I hate expressing myself

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my newest creation its a light green blue and I think it looks so pretty and elegant

Front and Back

okay for those who dont have me on facebook this is my crazy hobby, my crochet, I make necklaces and what not it helps with my anxiety but yeahh, I don’t usually post my stuff up front like this but I had to restore my computer and these are the only pictures I have on it, btw the top picture is me and my sister and daughter trying to be kesha haha random day haha

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Dazed, Crazed, and Completely Insane

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I’m sitting here wondering
How the fuck did my mind
Become deranged
In the sense that life is different
What happened to waking up smiling
What happened to my natural encouragement to others
I remember pretending things were okay in school
Mr.tripler pulling me out of class asking me if
“I needed help”
I wanted help
I yearned for help
I should’ve told him then
I’ll never forget that day
I should’ve told him Justin beat me
I should’ve told him I was being threatened
I hate that I can still think of things like that
I hate that I have such a great memory
I can remember almost anything
Down to the last detail
I’m convince I have a photographic memory at times
I wonder if its part of my ptsd
or if I was born like this
my mind wonders in ways I never thought possible
sipping wine
is like a refreshing drink of lemonade on a hot day
I can’t get enough of it
I’m not even affected anymore
it’s just comforting, something I crave now
I crave comfort
like the comfort you get in your mothers arms
a feeling I no longer can possess
a feeling I once again yearn
I find comfort in other places
growing up the way I did
its something you just deal with
I was brought up tough and for as long as I remember
Ive always been tough
but tough I am not
I take my feelings out in my crochet I keep my mind busy
I make friends with my fish
I take pride in my fish
its hard for me to stick to a hobby
but fish and yarn is all that I’ve held onto
I feel like a crazy cat lady
replace the cats with fish
and there I am
a frumpy women obsessed with things that can’t necessarily love them back
but forced to love haha
I just wanna feel like something or someone truly loves me
wants me
but ill never witness that feeling
That part of me was stripped away
when people I thought loved or cared
started to hurt me or disappear

weeeappaaaa

My parents young and in love ❤

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Embrace Thyself

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I often wonder what creates my anxieties.
When and how do people get pushed to a breaking point ?!
And do I have one?!
I hope I don’t.
I’ve realized through my writings
I make my own inspiration.
I inspire myself to want do great things.
I often reread my old blogs
reminisce good days
and observe the bad.
It helps me keep in mind that I’m still here
Ive survived.
and ill keep surviving!
my illness can only last so long
and even if I feel sane for at least a good half hour
at least I know what it feels like to feel happiness.
What it feels like to laugh. 
At least my mind can let go for so long
to let me feel something.
And that’s what keeps me together.
I feel like I have a true purpose.
I have so much good in me that I want to spread to other people.
Growing up takes courage
and I feel like I have a whole lot of courage.
It takes strength to get through some of the bullshit I’ve been through
and I’m proud of that.
I need to start embracing the things I have survived.
I need to start embracing myself.
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Foolish Mother Fuckerrrrrrr

I haven’t blogged in a while

And for that I am truly sorry

I know many of you look forward to reading my shit

But on the bright side of things

No blogging equals no attacks right ?!

I’ve recently realized that my original thought process of not having attacks

Was because I’ve been working out like crazy

But then I realized I haven’t had an attack cause I haven’t drank since I’ve been working out like crazy

Do you know what’s sad about that?

I was truly upset

I wanted to cry

I felt like a baby getting her bottle taken away

I lost my comfort

I can’t even casual drink

The second I see alcohol

I want it and crave it everyday

But I know the second I take a sip

It’ll feel like an addiction again

The warmth running through my veins

My horrible thoughts returning

The yelling, screaming, and hatred will fill my soul

I don’t wanna be that person anymore

The crazy thing is

I know I should handle this with certain steps

But for now I’m going to do the dumb thing

And replace my addiction with another addiction

EXERCISE!!!!

Well until I figure out what I wanna do with my problem and how to handle it

I can’t be that wife

I want Chris to love me

Always and forever

I have to change for him

He’s the love of my life and I his

I wouldn’t want to change that because of my foolishness

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The Joys of What One Smile Can Do !

I wanna legitly smile like this everyday.

With no alcohol involved.

I took this when my best friend came over for our 1 yr wedding anniversaries.

We were messing with the web cam

and this was one of the outcomes.

A smile that blossomed from pure happiness and enjoyment

[and maybe a little bit of alcohol, ok i lied maybe a lot a bit ;D]

anyways I’m not trying to say my life is one big shit bag

that forces me to never smile sincerely.

But apparently my mind thinks

my life is one big shit bag and i end up like this!

Look how gross i look!

A smile makes a huge difference.

It not only makes you look prettier.

But theres a plus side to it

It makes you feel good.

I wanna feel good!

I wanna have no cares or worries.

And if and when i have cares and worries.

I wanna take care of them with a huge smile.

I want to convince myself, every things going to be fine!

Because everything will be fine!

It always is 😀

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You Know What i Always Say!? Yeah, Me Neither!

I have such bad anxiety right now

I’m in an “in between” phase

Since I’ve been working out, i haven’t had an anxiety attack in 3 weeks

but right now.

This instant in life.

I feel stuck!

Jittery, my OCD is acting up.

Its all coming back.

Go away, Go away, Go! awayy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep rubbing my eyes and covering my face

as if everything is going to disappear.

Its funny though

I have the same reaction every time i open my eyes

and see everything is still the same.

I scratch my head and chuckle

“Ahhh!!! life’s so hilarious sometimes”

Yes, i say that out loud!

Yes, I talk to myself!

Yes, I’m fucking crazyyyyyyyyy!!!!

And do you know what?

I just repeated that process.

I just repeated it at least 7 times in the last 5 minutes.

Rocking back and fourth.

Back and fourth rocking.

As if its going to disappear.

Caressing my hair.

Trying to sooth myself.

Open close, open close, open close.

There goes my OCD again!

Please go away

Why are you coming back?

Why did you have to be triggered?

Why cant you leave me alone?!

My first reaction is to get some wine.

But i haven’t had a sip in almost 2 months.

So I’m just going to sit here and let it pass

and eventually go to sleep.

Sad thing is, i know it’ll return in the morning.

Sleep is only temporary and so are my attacks.

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All Aboard the Crazy Train!

I wanna be stable!

I’m tired of thinking I’m doing good then BAM!

Everything is back to normal.

Its funny i say anxiety and depression is my normal.

It makes me even more depressed just thinking about it.

I shouldn’t be calling my illness MY “normal”

My day revolves around my illness

My mind is constantly focused on my illness.

PTSD has consumed my entire life.

My husband deserves someone more stable then I !

and i cant give it to him.

This is my life.

and no matter what people try and tell me

I’m strong and beautiful and inspiring.

Or how much people try and fix me.

Ill forever be trapped in this lifestyle.

Lost in this crazy train of thought!

I will never get better

and i must face it.

This is my reality

I need to learn to embrace the good

and stop dwelling on the past

and the things that have

caused my mind to be so fucked up!

Ive boarded this ride

with no expectations as a teen.

And my decisions have taken me

to a foreign place.

I must relearn everything I’ve already known.

and that’s my problem.

Instead of adapting to my surroundings.

I’m going through the old motions.

Reliving life once again.

I need to calm down.

Stop over thinking.

Stop panicking.

And go with the flow.

I must trust that life will guide me through the perfect path.

Whats going to happen will happen regardless

and i must remind myself that!

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