Euphoria

So believe it or not

My mood is at a 9 !!!

I’ve been feeling good, feeling great!

So I figured why not tell you about my manic episode back in Sept.

Sit down as I tell you a little story.

It all started when I got the wrong Chinese food

Usually people would be pissed but not me.

I had the biggest smile across my face and ate that shit like no tomorrow

Weird right?

Probably not

Until you keep hearing the rest of the story.

From that second on, I felt nothing but true happiness. Euphoric almost.

I was on cloud 9, I couldn’t cry I had no feeling but happy.

Who wouldn’t want that right ?

Well then that happiness turned into everything was sexualized.

I couldn’t even drive, everything felt like a penis.

Yes you read that right.

Everything was just a big penis

Redbull, penis

Broom, penis.

Anything I could grasp was a freaking penis and it got even worse

I started to dress different, talk different I felt like I had control of everyone and everything, I was the shit.

Moving on to it increasingly getting worse.

I told myself and chris “if this doesn’t go away in a month I’ll do something about it”.

Probably 3 weeks in I started uncontrollably moaning and would have ticks.

Sexual ticks

I would say very very naughty things without even thinking

Ever scent that smelt good brought me to my knees

At one point I felt like a dominatrix

Then towards October it got to the point of no control my ticks then turned into love sighs

I felt so in love with Chris, I literally kissed the ground he walked on.

Just mentioning his name made me sigh “oh chris my love, isn’t he sweet”

I did that uncontrollably until me and chris thought hey let’s make a psych app online.

Within mins of the app the Dr told me to head to the hospital even urged to call me an ambulance

We declined cause we live literally 5 mins away.

So we go and I get put on a 72hr hold ( I went in Oct 4th and stayed until Oct 10th)

Wait forgot to mention this. This is very important the back of my head also hurt like I was hit with a bat. And when I touched that spot, I fell to my knees instantly. Once I realized this I realized why it was hard for me to go to sleep at night literally moaning in my sleep.

Ok back to the hospital part.

I’m at the hospital and the Dr is looking at me like I’m crazy pretty much acts like he’s never seen anything like it.

I get blood work done, get a CT scan and get put on meds.

Once I’m put on meds my life literally changed

Literally a full spin and I can finally cry. Before I was literally cry laughing. I couldn’t feel anger, sadness. Nothing just sexual frustration from increasingly becoming out of control and euphoria.

Euphoria sounds like a blast but now that I witnessed it, it’s miserable.

I was so sad being happy all the time.

I realized you need your emotions to control yourself mentally.

Since having this experience I have felt great

I’m taking care of me and now I know you need to go through the motions of life

The ups and downs even if, it feels like there’s more bads then goods.

I’m happy I have an official diagnosis bi polar disorder and I’m on the right meds.

I haven’t written a blog post in so long but you all know how depressed I was

I’m about to be 33 years old in August and I feel like I have everything I need/want

I’m happy and content and can’t believe I’ve ever complained about anything

I am here on this earth healthy and able bodied

I have a clear mind and a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen

I have amazingly kind children who have the loving heart my mother passed down to me

I have my wonderful sisters and grandmother here on earth with me.

I am living the life and living proof happiness comes in due time

Just wait for it. Stop pushing for it to happen.

Let it fall into your lap and enjoy the little things ❤

I’m honestly keeping out a lot of info because my whole experience was very sexual but if you have any questions about my experience feel free to message me. I’m more then happy to talk 🥰

Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I dont know why.

My theory could be..

Because growing up food was a big deal.

Which has made me absolutely hate cooking.

But i love it at the same time ?

I loath a lot

Like a lot, a lot.

I’m starting to find myself but at the same time give no fucks.

I make no sense ever

Including now

No one understands me.

but I know everyone does at the same time

Were all a little crazy, a little off.

Were all a lot off.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we were all uniformed robots

Vs. Figuring out life on our own

(If your married or have some sort of spouse. Your still an individual person who makes there own thoughts and choices)

I’ve been going through it…

Making my own choices

I rather not though

I need someone to think for me

Tell me what to do

I need order

Because I’m a mess

A crazy no good for nothing mess of a person

But I’m guilty cause I’m not a mess

But feel guilty cause I feel a mess

I dont know what else to say

Besides I make no sense and this is going no where.

Have a nice day 😉

LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities 

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense….. 

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

I’m Bitter and Give No Shits!

I should be crocheting right now.

Trying to avoid all my self hate.

Instead i’m drinking tequila…..

Being the bitter bitch that i absolutely HATE!

I’m watching my 600 pound life.

Trying to give myself the extra inspiration to lose 1 more pound.

But i fear i sound like a huge BITCH right now.

I am afraid i will forever suffer from “fat girl syndrome”

I’m ready to look in the mirror and be satisfied.

I know that’ll never happen.

Fat girl syndrome PLUS ptsd doesn’t mesh well.

On top of feeling forever fat and seeing fat, i feel worthless.

I feel like nothing will ever change.

I’m tired of ducking every time my husband gives me a hug.

I’m absolutely SICK of jumping to conclusions.

I HATE keeping my mouth shut….

I yearn to speak my mind, but i fear ill say something wrong.

I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I’ll never be myself, nothing will ever be as it should.

I ruined me.

He ruined me.

And there’s nothing i can do but try and move on.

It’ll never happen.

My past seems like a blurr with each passing year.

But every now and then i have flashback after flash back.

And when that stage of self hatred is over with.

I go to sleep thinking everything was a dream and guess what?!

I have a fucking mother again.

I then realize, my mother is DEAD!

Everything is a fucking mirage!

I was not only fucking stupid and gullible as a teenager.

But i missed out on being with the people who truly loved me.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m a fucking bitch.

I only wish i was more bitter.

My mother taught me better then that.

I wish i could say i hated her and that i wish she was dead.

She had a great heart and deserved the whole world.

She was the whole world.

She gave me and my sisters, happiness, kindness, laughter…

She’s the reason i know how to hold my tongue and whats right and wrong.

If i was my father i would give no shits in the world.

I’d lie, cheat, steal, manipulate anything i wanted and more.

My mother gave me morals.

But what life has handed me has given me

BITTERNESS.

HATRED.

SELF LOATHING.

I believe ill never feel sane.

The combination of being traumatized, beaten, dragged across the floor and raped by the person i thought loved me and had a baby with.

And the lost physically of not only my mother but mentally the lost of my father.

It’s drained me.

I cant do lost anymore….

I just want everyone to go away.

I don’t want to feel love……

I want to live.

I just don’t want to care.

I don’t want to love anymore.

I WANT to be loved.

I just don’t want to emote any feelings.

I want to prepare for heartache.

Death.

Deceitfulness.

I just don’t want to give a fuck!

I HATE THAT I GIVE A FUCK!

Ignore me, i’m a ranter, trying to find herself.

Stop Consuming Me, Thoughts!

I can feel myself getting meaner.

You know the whole “not giving a shit” thing.

I feel myself taking it literally.

[OK, not literally in a gross way]

But literally in the sense that, i cant hold my tongue.

I’m starting to lash out at my husband for no reason.

He ask me a question, i lash out.

He tells me I’m beautiful, i lash out.

He cant hear me over skype, i lash out.

[when i say lash out i mean..yell, get angry, you know the whole 9]

When i don’t hear what i wanna hear, when i want to hear it.

I get so fucking angry, i know people aren’t mind readers

but they should be for my benefit.

My anger isn’t consistent

I’m completely happy one second, the next I’m angry!

2 seconds later, everything is fine.

Just thinking of my mood swings makes me want to cry.

I’m so frustrated with myself.

I’m frustrated that i cant control these feelings.

I pray that people i secretly hate

don’t come in contact with me.

I’m to the point that i can no longer hold back my thoughts.

They just come out.

If i don’t say them, i get frustrated.

If i get frustrated, i get angry.

and if i get angry and there still in my face.

Be prepared to get punched!

But also on that note, even if i do like you

I still might give you an attitude, but its not intentional at all.

hah sometimes i wonder how many people i was actually

close friends with at one point are like

“Good thing i don’t talk to this bitch anymore”

and i can only imagine all my ex boyfriends saying

“Good thing i left that bitch when i did, shes fucking crazy”

None of them could possibly be saying that

but i guess that goes along with me low self esteem.

And my thought process of being an

Ugly, fat worthless piece of crap!

Life is What You Make it!

Sometimes i feel like no one can fix me.

I feel a lone.

I feel like I’m trapped in my body.

That little part of life in me i have left

wants to break free

and enjoy life

but its trapped!

My past has a grip on it

and its satisfied

knowing it’ll never see the light of day.

But I’m gonna fight this

i want to enjoy the life i have.

I cant be one of those people who don’t fight.

I cant give up!

I refuse!

I’ve always been a fighter.

Ill continue to be a fighter.

Till my last breathe!

Once again, sorry i seem bi polar.

But do you have a certain smell in your life

that reminds you of happiness?

Well, i do

Its some type of body wash Chris uses

I don’t know what kind it is

It might be Irish spring or something

I don’t know, i don’t pay attention to his body wash.

But when i smell it, it smells like a childhood memory.

My innocent years

When i was oblivious to all the bad

Sometimes i wonder, if my mother never died

Would i be a little bit more stable

or was my life destined to be this way?

If i never made the decision to be with Justin

Would i still live in this depressed state?

If i never met Chris

Would i still be here?

If i never got pregnant

Where would i be? What kind of lifestyle would i be living?

That’s whats scary

about life

that’s when i realize

things happen for a reason

They had to happen this way.

What if this is the good side of life

What if i went down the other path

and became a drunk, druggie, killer, physco path, homeless, or even dead

I really must start taking my advice

and appreciate these things.

People have it worst then i do

I’ve only made one very poor decision

and i feel like life has been horrible to me.

What about those who’ve made several poor decisions

How are they feeling about life?

Sometimes i really feel like i should stop complaining

and start enjoying myself.