I’m Bitter and Give No Shits!

1

I should be crocheting right now.

Trying to avoid all my self hate.

Instead i’m drinking tequila…..

Being the bitter bitch that i absolutely HATE!

I’m watching my 600 pound life.

Trying to give myself the extra inspiration to lose 1 more pound.

But i fear i sound like a huge BITCH right now.

I am afraid i will forever suffer from “fat girl syndrome”

I’m ready to look in the mirror and be satisfied.

I know that’ll never happen.

Fat girl syndrome PLUS ptsd doesn’t mesh well.

On top of feeling forever fat and seeing fat, i feel worthless.

I feel like nothing will ever change.

I’m tired of ducking every time my husband gives me a hug.

I’m absolutely SICK of jumping to conclusions.

I HATE keeping my mouth shut….

I yearn to speak my mind, but i fear ill say something wrong.

I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I’ll never be myself, nothing will ever be as it should.

I ruined me.

He ruined me.

And there’s nothing i can do but try and move on.

It’ll never happen.

My past seems like a blurr with each passing year.

But every now and then i have flashback after flash back.

And when that stage of self hatred is over with.

I go to sleep thinking everything was a dream and guess what?!

I have a fucking mother again.

I then realize, my mother is DEAD!

Everything is a fucking mirage!

I was not only fucking stupid and gullible as a teenager.

But i missed out on being with the people who truly loved me.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m a fucking bitch.

I only wish i was more bitter.

My mother taught me better then that.

I wish i could say i hated her and that i wish she was dead.

She had a great heart and deserved the whole world.

She was the whole world.

She gave me and my sisters, happiness, kindness, laughter…

She’s the reason i know how to hold my tongue and whats right and wrong.

If i was my father i would give no shits in the world.

I’d lie, cheat, steal, manipulate anything i wanted and more.

My mother gave me morals.

But what life has handed me has given me

BITTERNESS.

HATRED.

SELF LOATHING.

I believe ill never feel sane.

The combination of being traumatized, beaten, dragged across the floor and raped by the person i thought loved me and had a baby with.

And the lost physically of not only my mother but mentally the lost of my father.

It’s drained me.

I cant do lost anymore….

I just want everyone to go away.

I don’t want to feel love……

I want to live.

I just don’t want to care.

I don’t want to love anymore.

I WANT to be loved.

I just don’t want to emote any feelings.

I want to prepare for heartache.

Death.

Deceitfulness.

I just don’t want to give a fuck!

I HATE THAT I GIVE A FUCK!

Ignore me, i’m a ranter, trying to find herself.

hope 3

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4 thoughts on “I’m Bitter and Give No Shits!

  1. kandicelisa says:

    Venting is beautiful 🙂 keep your head up lovely, sounds like you have it rough and I know what it’s like. Stay strong!

    • cpaynelove says:

      thank you, i really appreciate it…i know ill get over it (every now and then), its been years going back and fourth with my emotions…unfortunately i’m used to it. You stay strong as well…no one should ever feel this way. I only hope it’ll all just seem like a distant memory eventually

      • kandicelisa says:

        I think we all heal with time. At different paces of course. Thank you 🙂 check out my blog if you have time, I’ll keep updated with your new posts!

  2. Epiphany says:

    Now sugar plum pooh bear!!!
    Life didn’t give you all that deceit and hurt and pain. People did that. Don’t hate your life because of what happened to other people or even what other people did to you. You have complete control of your life and the moment you give in to feeling insufficient and such, you give control to someone else. Going back and forth for years with these feelings isn’t something you should be comfortable. Make a decision to get over it. Bury your pain, don’t bury the love! Look at what you have now before THAT becomes a fleeting memory. I love you Cami. I’m totally rooting for you to get through all you’re going through. You’re amazing to have gone through all you went through and still be ALIVE! No matter the trauma, you have life and that’s more than what most ppl have . . . Start finding what you love about yourself Miss Payne b/c there’s lot to love about you.

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