Category Archives: death

Ridiculous Thoughts

1

I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

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Before And After

1

I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better ūüėČ

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself ūüôā

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

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According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with ¬†myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

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Simply….Crazy!

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I’ve been feeling a little off lately¬†

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands….¬†

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises!¬†

 

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High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

10

I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha¬†

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place…¬†

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s¬†despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way¬†

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

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LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

8

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities¬†

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense…..¬†

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my¬†punctuation’s, or my¬†grammar¬†or the way i spell¬†because¬†honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

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Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

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And She Gave NO Shits!

2

Oh how distinctly I remember the last time I saw my mother.
She was wearing a Leopard vest.
She was on her way to work early because of a snow storm.
My father was waiting in the car and she came back inside a second time to say goodbye…
And that she loved us……
Then I never saw her again.
Until her funeral….
Oh how I wish I could talk to her one more time
Hug her one more time
Feel her touch one more time
Tell her I love her….one more time.
I’m suffering through so much internally, mentally
and she’s the only person I want to talk to….
Laugh with…
Cry with….
Sit down and have a casual lunch with….
I would’ve never guessed 7 years ago this is how life would be.
Parentless.
Well technically. (But might as well be)
I often wonder how happy my mom was with life.
I wonder if she was happy
Or depressed
Or had anxiety
Or just hated the world.
I have so many questions to ask.
Like our family history
Or how to make simple little meals taste as wonderful as hers.
Honestly……
I’m speechless right now.
I have so much hate in my heart that I never express out loud…
I have so much hate in my heart that no one ever hears….
I’m so unsympathetic that I hate bothering others with my feelings.
I hate even hearing or feeling mine.
If I come off as an asshole when you talk to me, it’s because I am.
If I come off as a douche bag it’s because i am.
If I seem like I’m not listening…
It’s because I’m not!
My name is Camille
And I give no fucks EVER!!!
And if it seems like I do….
You caught my moment of clarity and trashed it with your own thoughts.
I hate that I’m nice.
I hate that im kind hearted.
And give a shit!
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits
Because clearly life has given zero shits about me.
Life has ruined love for me.
Death for me.
Companionship for me.
T R U S T.

EVERYTHING!!!!

And now life is finally taking a toll on my already damaged heart.
It makes me wonder how rock bottom will actually feel like…..
I use to dream of being a Disney Princess as a child
Hopefully my heart with finally go from rags to riches….
But the riches won’t be living life lavishly
The riches would be
Living day to day without being nervous
Or paranoid
Or wondering who’s going to die next.
Not having to prepare myself to pick up the phone.
Not preparing myself to go to the store
Or having a conversation with a stranger without mumbling or talking super fast that I just sound like an idiot, Because I’m scared.
It’s funny how, With each passing day someone could develop such serious feelings or actions.
Imagine waking up everyday and just thinking
“Holy shit! The day is about to start again”
But happy that your alive but upset that you have to breathe through every moment.
Prepare for every moment.
Overthink…..every moment.
I’m soooo lazy
And now everyone sees why!
It’s such work to get through the day.
Bypass my feelings
Bypass the fact I want to lay in the dark and eat forbidden chocolate ice cream all day and pray I don’t gain weight.
Because let’s face it that’ll just be another notch in my belt…again AND LITERLLY!!!!!
I guess where I’m going with this
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits!
About going to the store and caring.
Talking on the phone and caring.
Saying hi to a stranger and caring.
I want to give zero shits about what people think!
But I do want to give a shit about how people feel.
I just want to sympathize with the world
Is that too much to ask for?

I just want to be myself again

Hi, My name is Camille 

and I just want to give NO FUCKS!

but about the right things ;D

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Story Of My Anxic Life!

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Have you ever thought how crazy it is that everyone has different fears?

Afraid of clowns.

Spiders.

Water.

Death…..

These aren’t all my fears, but they are someones…ANYONE’S!

Think of your biggest fear.

Roller coasters.

Flowers.

Birds.

Choking on your favorite food.

Imagine your heart pounding. 

Your eyes widening….¬†

Getting short of breath.

Speechless.

Motionless.

Now take away that fear

and imagine feeling that way 

Consistently, constantly…everyday.

EVERY FREAKING DAY!

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In between Thoughtlessness

3

I hate when people assume you act the way you act because your “drunk”
I do drink often But I’m a very functional drinker.
(I know that sounds cliche but I’m super serious ;P)
There’s no reason to make someone feel like shit because of their mental state whether they drink or not.
I wish I could actually be an nonfunctional drunk!
I wish I was an nonfunctional something so I could at least feel some silence in the world.
I’m just super annoyed, I just want the world to know I’m fine and functional.
Just nonfunctional in the sense that I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore….
Life is a mess
But it’s because I made it a mess
I’m a mess.
Sometimes when I watch TV shows
And see people yelling screaming saying what’s on there mind….
I only wish I could do that.
I just want to scream, and cry and scream again!
I want to punch a wall but that shit cost too much money!
I’m super cheap…..
I only wish I didn’t have to think about money .
I wish I didn’t have to think about problems.
I wish I didn’t have to think….
Just for one day….
I’m scared my mind will forever race
Through life, death or¬†whatever¬†in between….

 

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Induced by Insanity

7

I use to feel lost and alone

I often very much so still do 

I feel so empty

The only thing that keeps me going 

is my patience

I may feel like things are bad

I may feel like things aren’t worth it

but I know it’ll only last so long

My time is coming

I KNOW my time is coming

Patience is a virtue…..

All that matters is, how long i can last

and if you know me well enough by now

i LOVE a challenge ;P

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Lost in my Thoughts and awakened to this?!

2

i don’t know why I’ve been thinking about my mother so much lately

I watched a documentary earlier

on a women who was in jail for over 25 years

who was a¬†“battered women”

then she developed lung cancer and had 6 more months to live

she had 2 kids, one of which was with the man she killed

[because he abused her, oh and she got out after 25 years]

probably 3 hrs afterwards I thought

I rather go my whole life

[which one of the daugthers did, her mother died 10 months after she got out of jail]

not knowing my mother and get just 10 months of my adult life with her

when your young I realize you don’t appreciate as much

I wish I appreciated her

I didn’t fight with her like some teenagers do with there moms

but when I did it was bad

and obviously I’m full of regret

I wanna give her 10 months of love

I wanna hold her and tell her how much good she did

I almost feel like she died out of sadness

it actually kills me to know I have true happiness

she might’ve found some sort of¬†happiness from my father

[which personally I think is bullshit, but whatever]

but I know she probably never felt the happiness I do

my father is scum

as much as I try to convince myself that I love him and need him

I know its

just wanting something most people have

I feel like I need a parent

but if the parent is him

I rather pass

why choose someone to be in your life who chooses themselves

I’m jeal of Chris, whether he knows it or not

its not fair he can have parents

its not fair that I cant turn to someone with my problems

or ask questions when I have no clue what to do with my grown up life

its not fair that I can enjoy my children

without having someone I physically came from to show them off too

I’ve learned over time to ignore it

I’ve had a little more time then my sisters

each holiday gets harder because of my kids

[my older sister is the only one out of my 3 sisters with children]

and honestly I’m not gonna lie it gets harder every year

I’ve had a couple years over them not to brag or anything

which honestly theres nothing to brag about cause like I’ve said it gets harder

you see them laugh and smile

every year they ask a question every now and then

my son knows my mother is in heaven

and I tell him my father is dead

[he actually thinks my father is his uncle but whatever]

but I feel like its the right thing

I rather them not get attached to something that’s not there

my father is pointless but I miss him

my mother was everything

the one person I looked forward to learning from

and now all I have [parental wise]

is my grandparents

and when they go its going to be like losing actual parents

all over again

fuck my fucking life right?!

honestly nothings fair

keep your distance from people you love

it makes shit easier

fuck that!

I wanna be heartless

but I cant

I love who I can

as long as I can

its like a blessing actually

now I know to appreciate those around me

im paranoid about death but at least

I can still love

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Oh the convenience of me not being in this wonderful family photo

a great ol’ pic of my parents and my 3 sisters

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