Tag Archives: thoughts

Sleep is for Suckers!

3

I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

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Ridiculous Thoughts

1

I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

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Before And After

1

I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better 😉

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself 🙂

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

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According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with  myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

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Hello….from the other side of Crazy!

3

I’ve concluded…

I’m crazy!

For once i’m having no thoughts.

I don’t feel good nor bad.

I’m in limbo right now

defiantly a strange feeling.

I honestly don’t like it one bit!

I feel super uncomfy.

I miss my mom right now

but at the same time I feel super content.

I hate literally my whole teenage years

well lack of.

but its been so long!

Then again, life shouldn’t of happened so early.

My life is passing by so quickly.

I’m falling to pieces mentally

but I’m going through stages when I catch myself

falling……………………………..

and I stop myself.

I seriously stop myself (puke)

I’m clearly not as insane as I think I am

but that’s the problem.

I want one or the fucking other.

Whats more fucked up then feeling crazy…

Is not knowing whether your actually crazy.

My secret is, I know i am.

I just know how to control it.

Is that possible?

Does that make me more crazy?

Seriously…does it?

Like what am i?

Can someone please tell me they go through the same phases of life….

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High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

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I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha 

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place… 

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way 

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

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NO Need to WhINE

2

Sitting here….

Watching the ball drop alone….once again…

My kids asked me to wake them in time, I promised.

I held my end of the bargain.

Super happy 11:55 pm hit.

I wake them like they asked.

Pretty much they all looked at me and said “never mind, I want to go back to sleep”

They might as well of said “fuck you, let me sleep bitch!”

Well that’s how I perceived it.

My heart crushed with sadness

I ran to my room grabbed my journal (The one I only write in when I’m terribly upset)

And I started writing a “bucket list”

*Take a walk outside alone without feeling like your going to die.

*Take a vacation

*Buy something very expensive for just myself (at least $50 haha)

*Feel comfortable with myself.

*Stop being constantly paranoid.

*Stop over analyzing everything.

*See the ball drop in new York (for new years obviously)

*Get mental help.

*Live life be happy!

That’s literally what I wrote word for word in my journal.

As I was reading back what I wrote I realized this isn’t a bucket list.

It’s a goals list.

I think my sub conscience is telling me, this is what i have to do.

I literally just sub conscientiously mapped out the steps I need to take to finally be happy.

or at least feel normal…

Well not all the steps

But a few important ones.

The tricky part is overcoming my fears to even start the process.

I literally need to overcome EVERY FEAR I HAVE..

to become a better person.

I’m so used to a routine 

it slowly changes over time.

Slowly but surely I become someone new.

EVERY YEAR.

 Hopefully this year is it.

My time for something new.

But good new.

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Illegally Insane

1

I know i act like i’m okay

I want to feel okay

I’m psyching myself out to feel okay 

but im not….

I miss my mom.

I miss my life.

I miss myself.

I wonder what life could’ve been. 

You only have one life. 

and i feel like i’m not where i want to be. 

I want be where I thought i’d be by now!

I had tons of goals.

and they all went out the window 

but they went out the window 

because of my anxiety

my depression 

my PTSD………..

i’m gone.

i’m no longer know myself.

I don’t even know myself anymore.

I don’t even think my husband does…..

I no longer have words for how i feel.

IM FOREVER LOST!

and drunk ;P

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If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.

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I often wonder
What will become of my life?
Will I ever feel satisfied?
My paranoia with death is getting extremely out of hand.
I constantly feel like I’m gasping for air.
I think I’m becoming a little bit claustrophobic.
For some reason I feel like when I die….
I’ll somewhat still be alive.
I’ll still have a thoughts.
That scares me most!
I feel like when I die I’ll eternally have to listen to my own thoughts…..
All alone…
In death I live the way I felt through life.
As you can tell, I’ve been a little needy.
I need a little love.
I’ve been a little something.
I don’t know how I’ve been feeling.
I’m all over the place.
I’m ready to make a real change.
I’ve been saying this for years.
I feel better….
Then I feel worse….
Then I feel better…..
It’s a crap life I live.
What happened to the innocence of life.
When mediocre things felt tragic.
When life seemed average.
Now that tragic feeling just seems average.
I’ve seen worse.
I’ve been through hell.
I’m seeing the light.
It seems so dim, but I see it.
I need to get on routine.
I know once I do that my ocd tendencies will show it’s ugly face.
My paranoia will get worst.
I hate to pick and choose.
Routine and paranoia….
Or depression and anxiety….
Either way, all will be present.
Less or more.
It’s the balance I’m worried about.

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Lost in my Thoughts and awakened to this?!

2

i don’t know why I’ve been thinking about my mother so much lately

I watched a documentary earlier

on a women who was in jail for over 25 years

who was a “battered women”

then she developed lung cancer and had 6 more months to live

she had 2 kids, one of which was with the man she killed

[because he abused her, oh and she got out after 25 years]

probably 3 hrs afterwards I thought

I rather go my whole life

[which one of the daugthers did, her mother died 10 months after she got out of jail]

not knowing my mother and get just 10 months of my adult life with her

when your young I realize you don’t appreciate as much

I wish I appreciated her

I didn’t fight with her like some teenagers do with there moms

but when I did it was bad

and obviously I’m full of regret

I wanna give her 10 months of love

I wanna hold her and tell her how much good she did

I almost feel like she died out of sadness

it actually kills me to know I have true happiness

she might’ve found some sort of happiness from my father

[which personally I think is bullshit, but whatever]

but I know she probably never felt the happiness I do

my father is scum

as much as I try to convince myself that I love him and need him

I know its

just wanting something most people have

I feel like I need a parent

but if the parent is him

I rather pass

why choose someone to be in your life who chooses themselves

I’m jeal of Chris, whether he knows it or not

its not fair he can have parents

its not fair that I cant turn to someone with my problems

or ask questions when I have no clue what to do with my grown up life

its not fair that I can enjoy my children

without having someone I physically came from to show them off too

I’ve learned over time to ignore it

I’ve had a little more time then my sisters

each holiday gets harder because of my kids

[my older sister is the only one out of my 3 sisters with children]

and honestly I’m not gonna lie it gets harder every year

I’ve had a couple years over them not to brag or anything

which honestly theres nothing to brag about cause like I’ve said it gets harder

you see them laugh and smile

every year they ask a question every now and then

my son knows my mother is in heaven

and I tell him my father is dead

[he actually thinks my father is his uncle but whatever]

but I feel like its the right thing

I rather them not get attached to something that’s not there

my father is pointless but I miss him

my mother was everything

the one person I looked forward to learning from

and now all I have [parental wise]

is my grandparents

and when they go its going to be like losing actual parents

all over again

fuck my fucking life right?!

honestly nothings fair

keep your distance from people you love

it makes shit easier

fuck that!

I wanna be heartless

but I cant

I love who I can

as long as I can

its like a blessing actually

now I know to appreciate those around me

im paranoid about death but at least

I can still love

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Oh the convenience of me not being in this wonderful family photo

a great ol’ pic of my parents and my 3 sisters

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Foolish Mother Fuckerrrrrrr

I haven’t blogged in a while

And for that I am truly sorry

I know many of you look forward to reading my shit

But on the bright side of things

No blogging equals no attacks right ?!

I’ve recently realized that my original thought process of not having attacks

Was because I’ve been working out like crazy

But then I realized I haven’t had an attack cause I haven’t drank since I’ve been working out like crazy

Do you know what’s sad about that?

I was truly upset

I wanted to cry

I felt like a baby getting her bottle taken away

I lost my comfort

I can’t even casual drink

The second I see alcohol

I want it and crave it everyday

But I know the second I take a sip

It’ll feel like an addiction again

The warmth running through my veins

My horrible thoughts returning

The yelling, screaming, and hatred will fill my soul

I don’t wanna be that person anymore

The crazy thing is

I know I should handle this with certain steps

But for now I’m going to do the dumb thing

And replace my addiction with another addiction

EXERCISE!!!!

Well until I figure out what I wanna do with my problem and how to handle it

I can’t be that wife

I want Chris to love me

Always and forever

I have to change for him

He’s the love of my life and I his

I wouldn’t want to change that because of my foolishness

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