Forever Uncertain

It’s funny, once a loved one dies you end up thinking about them more often

then you did when they were around…. 

It’s almost June 2nd, which means…my mothers 50 something birthday.

Yesss! I’ve lost track, but I don’t want to count anymore

but its been around 7 years….

It’s been too long!

It’s around that time, all i want to do is talk to her

but then again…..it’s always around that time.

I’m usually good for so many months, then everything

wrong with me, hits me at once…………

Everything in my life has hit me all at once!

I’m forever fucked!

I just want to forget and move on…

I lack emotions, but i lack them towards reality.

Towards…RIGHT NOW!

I push those who need me now away, because I can’t deal.

I just don’t want to deal.

I never want to deal again!

NEVER!!!! In my life…..

I’m so conflicted!

I’m sure i’ll never give a shit.

Haha EVER!!!!

But about reality……

Some people are born with emotions

And some are born with none.

 I was born, forever conflicted about life….

WHILE NOT GIVING A SHIT!!!!

FOREVER ALONE…

FOREVER WITH MYSELF…

FOREVER IN LIMBO

FOREVER….ALONE

And it will remain that way…

FOREVER….

 

Simply….Crazy!

I’ve been feeling a little off lately 

Sorry I’ve been writing…

Just not pressing send…

ONCE AGAIN!

Sorry…. I’ve been a tad uncomfy lately

there I go again, almost repeating myself

because i’m uncomfortable.

I’ll never feel comfortable…

With anything

Literally nothing!

Everything is a facade….

Everything is fake….

I’m holding on by a string

but never take me seriously

unless i tell you to…

I’m fine

just super dramatic

but it’s because

I want to be super dramatic.

I don’t know what to do with myself..

haha besides wash my hands…. 

(laughing out loud) I literally just want to wash my hands 

That’s my fucking defense…

CLEANING MYSELF!!!

All I can do is laugh!

I hate how in tune I am with life

And how stupid I feel!

I really wish I didn’t understand.

My guard is so stupid.

There is nothing wrong with me

Everything I feel is left over change…

It’s something that should be stuck in the couch!

Literally garbage!

I need to get over myself.

NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME ANYMORE!

Everything left…is just life…

I honestly hope its life….

I can’t take anymore surprises! 

 

I’m Bitter and Give No Shits!

I should be crocheting right now.

Trying to avoid all my self hate.

Instead i’m drinking tequila…..

Being the bitter bitch that i absolutely HATE!

I’m watching my 600 pound life.

Trying to give myself the extra inspiration to lose 1 more pound.

But i fear i sound like a huge BITCH right now.

I am afraid i will forever suffer from “fat girl syndrome”

I’m ready to look in the mirror and be satisfied.

I know that’ll never happen.

Fat girl syndrome PLUS ptsd doesn’t mesh well.

On top of feeling forever fat and seeing fat, i feel worthless.

I feel like nothing will ever change.

I’m tired of ducking every time my husband gives me a hug.

I’m absolutely SICK of jumping to conclusions.

I HATE keeping my mouth shut….

I yearn to speak my mind, but i fear ill say something wrong.

I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I’ll never be myself, nothing will ever be as it should.

I ruined me.

He ruined me.

And there’s nothing i can do but try and move on.

It’ll never happen.

My past seems like a blurr with each passing year.

But every now and then i have flashback after flash back.

And when that stage of self hatred is over with.

I go to sleep thinking everything was a dream and guess what?!

I have a fucking mother again.

I then realize, my mother is DEAD!

Everything is a fucking mirage!

I was not only fucking stupid and gullible as a teenager.

But i missed out on being with the people who truly loved me.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m a fucking bitch.

I only wish i was more bitter.

My mother taught me better then that.

I wish i could say i hated her and that i wish she was dead.

She had a great heart and deserved the whole world.

She was the whole world.

She gave me and my sisters, happiness, kindness, laughter…

She’s the reason i know how to hold my tongue and whats right and wrong.

If i was my father i would give no shits in the world.

I’d lie, cheat, steal, manipulate anything i wanted and more.

My mother gave me morals.

But what life has handed me has given me

BITTERNESS.

HATRED.

SELF LOATHING.

I believe ill never feel sane.

The combination of being traumatized, beaten, dragged across the floor and raped by the person i thought loved me and had a baby with.

And the lost physically of not only my mother but mentally the lost of my father.

It’s drained me.

I cant do lost anymore….

I just want everyone to go away.

I don’t want to feel love……

I want to live.

I just don’t want to care.

I don’t want to love anymore.

I WANT to be loved.

I just don’t want to emote any feelings.

I want to prepare for heartache.

Death.

Deceitfulness.

I just don’t want to give a fuck!

I HATE THAT I GIVE A FUCK!

Ignore me, i’m a ranter, trying to find herself.

With Day Comes Night, and With Night Comes Headaches!

A late night drink

It feels like old times

Old friends meeting up

Wine is my friend

When my anxiety feels the need to visit

I hate this feeling I feel like a horrible person

I hate this jittery feeling

I don’t know what to do with myself

When did my life get like this

I feel like the world is ending

I have to psych myself out

Everything is fine

Breathhh

Everything will be okay

Yet everything is okayyy

What’s wrong with me

Nothing

My husband will disagree with me

But I feel like everyone

Yesss I said everyone

Who’s been through a traumatic experience Feels the same way I do

Lost sad upset

I don’t even know what I feel anymore

But I do believe everyone who’s been through something

Feels like me

I felt like the strongest women in the world

Until….

Something actually traumatic happened to me

Yeahhh the ones around you may seem cocky

But do they really feel the way they say?

I know I don’t

Remember in the beginning of my blogs I tried to convince everyone I was perfect

Well if you’ve been following You can obviously see that was a lie

I realized it was time to open up

If only everybody would It feels so much better It gets me through the day

Knowing its not the end of the world

It may feel like the end of the world everyday

But I know its not

For the sheer fact that I know at least one person feels the way I do

I wish more people would open there eyes and realize things aren’t perfect for everyone

I often dream of a perfect life for me

One that includes my mother

One that includes people that understand where I come from

Its weird how things sneak up on you

My abusive relationship

Yeahh I didn’t think much of it when I got out of it
But now it affects me majorly

My mothers death Didn’t really affect me then

But now it consumes me

My fathers drug addiction and absence in my life

I pretend its alright

But he’s the only parent I have

I want to have a parent

But yet someone like him in my life isn’t worth it

You shouldn’t have to work to have someone

Who’s suppose to love you to stay in your life

I was closet to my dad

But it shouldn’t of felt like I was in an abusive relationship again

I can barely sleep again

I don’t know why

But I hate lying awake at night

Its the worst

It gives me extra time to think

And you all know I hate thinking

Thinking leads to drinking ;D

Okay that rhymed

 I’m a cornball Get over it!

Bitch [Anxiety] Pleassssssseeee!!!

I’m having some anxiety right now

I’m thinking back to when i was being positive

when i told you guys i was healthy

when you guys realized i wasn’t who you thought i was

and now I’m like

“where did that go?”

where did that positivity come from?

i feel bad for lying, giving advice

saying things are good

“If i can get through it

so can you!”

but in reality

I’m not through it

I’m just starting

I’m not even close to being done

and that’s what scares me

i hope nobody i know

[or just people in general]

don’t have to feel what i feel everyday

i hate struggling

its getting hard, almost not worth it

but i know its very worth it

and that’s why I’m here today

spreading shit

you know awareness

i wish i was more inspiring

i wish i wasn’t socially awkward

and could put myself out there

i wish i was a better person

and could better the world

I want to just live

Not care about things going on around me.

Little stresses feel like huge obstacles to me!

I know there small.

But my brain doesn’t comprehend it.

I want my brain to realize

i cant always make mountains out of mole hills.

Because that’s all they are.

Things i should be able to sweep under the rug.

Some people have it worst then me.

what happened in the past

The abuse

My mothers death

It happened.

Its over with.

I cant go back.

I need to get over it!

Live my life.

And make my family happy.

I think alcohol should be boycotted ;D

Anyways just sit here and enjoy my

beautiful children :]

Foolish Mother Fuckerrrrrrr

I haven’t blogged in a while

And for that I am truly sorry

I know many of you look forward to reading my shit

But on the bright side of things

No blogging equals no attacks right ?!

I’ve recently realized that my original thought process of not having attacks

Was because I’ve been working out like crazy

But then I realized I haven’t had an attack cause I haven’t drank since I’ve been working out like crazy

Do you know what’s sad about that?

I was truly upset

I wanted to cry

I felt like a baby getting her bottle taken away

I lost my comfort

I can’t even casual drink

The second I see alcohol

I want it and crave it everyday

But I know the second I take a sip

It’ll feel like an addiction again

The warmth running through my veins

My horrible thoughts returning

The yelling, screaming, and hatred will fill my soul

I don’t wanna be that person anymore

The crazy thing is

I know I should handle this with certain steps

But for now I’m going to do the dumb thing

And replace my addiction with another addiction

EXERCISE!!!!

Well until I figure out what I wanna do with my problem and how to handle it

I can’t be that wife

I want Chris to love me

Always and forever

I have to change for him

He’s the love of my life and I his

I wouldn’t want to change that because of my foolishness

All Aboard the Crazy Train!

I wanna be stable!

I’m tired of thinking I’m doing good then BAM!

Everything is back to normal.

Its funny i say anxiety and depression is my normal.

It makes me even more depressed just thinking about it.

I shouldn’t be calling my illness MY “normal”

My day revolves around my illness

My mind is constantly focused on my illness.

PTSD has consumed my entire life.

My husband deserves someone more stable then I !

and i cant give it to him.

This is my life.

and no matter what people try and tell me

I’m strong and beautiful and inspiring.

Or how much people try and fix me.

Ill forever be trapped in this lifestyle.

Lost in this crazy train of thought!

I will never get better

and i must face it.

This is my reality

I need to learn to embrace the good

and stop dwelling on the past

and the things that have

caused my mind to be so fucked up!

Ive boarded this ride

with no expectations as a teen.

And my decisions have taken me

to a foreign place.

I must relearn everything I’ve already known.

and that’s my problem.

Instead of adapting to my surroundings.

I’m going through the old motions.

Reliving life once again.

I need to calm down.

Stop over thinking.

Stop panicking.

And go with the flow.

I must trust that life will guide me through the perfect path.

Whats going to happen will happen regardless

and i must remind myself that!

Getting Better? Ehhh….

My mind is racing once again

It hasn’t for about a week.

I’ve been working out

Trying to avoid the wine in my fridge!

I want it so bad.

I miss the warm feeling it provides.

I love that it helps me forget

But drinking isn’t the way to rid these thoughts

Its only a temporary fix.

I don’t need temporary I need long term!

Therefore I don’t need it!

I shouldn’t need it !

I refuse to be yet another statistic

PTSD equals drink your fucking life away till your problems are solved!

Nope! I refuse.

I feel like I’ve mastered every problem you could probably have in life.

Life’s a struggle for me everyday

It always has and I feel and fear It always will be

But I try to look at the positives

I’m still here!

Which means I have a purpose.

I don’t know what that purpose is

But I can’t wait to find out!

I think its the change I crave!

I wanna know why I’m here and what I’m suppose to do

My life can’t possibly revolve around my anxiety and depression forever

There has to be more to it!

There must be more to it! Right?

I want to make an impact!

Not just any impact

But a BIG BIG impact That’ll convince me

I did something good.

I helped someone, i fixed someone.

But in order to do that

I must fix myself.

Like i always say

Onward, Upward, Survival, and Growth ❤

Non-Alcoholic Anonymous

 

Sometimes i don’t know what to do with myself!

I lack everything!

Personality.

Emotion.

Motivation.

Enthusiasm.

Hunger.

Thirst.

Drive.

Life!

I try to make myself eat

but i cant, I’m not hungry.

I force myself to eat

because i know i have to, to live

and to stay healthy.

I feel like normal people in my state of mind, might just not eat.

But i know i have to, I’m well aware of whats going on.

I cant let my mind fool me.

I cant sink deeper into this illness.

I wont let it take me.

I don’t want to get sicker.

So i force myself to do things.

I struggle everyday, to remain healthy.

To pretend I’m healthy.

I just hit a low point.

I don’t know what triggered it, but its triggered.

When i hit a low

I don’t even know what the problem is.

I just know i hate life.

I know I’m sad.

If you asked me about what, i couldn’t tell you.

I barely think about the abuse

or my mothers death.

I just get depressed.

My mind is racing so hard right now

the only thing i can do is write.

I cant even think a thought.

This is crazy.

I’m crazy.

NO! I’m not crazy.

I’m just thinking differently.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

AND BREATHE!

I’m drinking a cup of wine.

Its making me feel better.

The alcohol running through my veins, feels so good.

It feels so warm flowing through my body.

I’m sane now.

I’m thinking clearly.

But it shouldn’t have to resort that.

Why does alcohol have to be the answer to my problems ?

I’m not an alcoholic.

And i don’t need cups.

Just one cup of wine is good for me.

The warmth is like a comfort.

My mom is wrapping her arms around me

telling me “Everything is going to be okay.

Well get through this.”

And i believe it.

But, i have to have that cup.

I still feel sane.

I hope this last!

Please last.

Live, Life, Breathe

I remember sitting in my bed wide awake most nights

Just staring at the ceiling

I’m convinced at one point i was severely depressed

Sometimes my depression would stoop so low that

I wouldn’t be able to move

You know that feeling when your awake but your still asleep

and your well aware whats going on around you

but your body isn’t responding

Well that’s how i felt

Practically every single night

My nights consisted of either

A) my good old friends cranberry and absolute

or

B) Tylenol PMs

LITERALLY those were the only ways to fall asleep

I got to the point that drinking felt pointless

and Tylenol seemed like a non existent substance to my body

I honestly needed to get out of the 6 year funk that i was in

and find a new more effective solution

and that was Writing

Seriously, we all know I’m not the best writer

but that’s what i did, i went out and brought a journal

Personally, i hate writing

I think its boring and stupid

but come to find out, it helped me express myself in a way

that i didn’t have to show emotion physically

I could let out all my emotions in this book

I could literally scream my feelings

and i wouldn’t be judged

but lets get real haha

Writing in that journal wasn’t enough for me

as much as i didn’t want to be judged

I also wanted to be heard

I want people to know there not the only ones

Maybe if someone else knows

I feel the same way

or we went through the same thing

That could be one more sigh of relief

or one less suicide

and that’s why i made this blog

Even if no ones reads this

I’m just proud of myself

that i could break out of this little shell i put myself into

and could express myself to the world

This blog has change my life

and i honestly think it has saved my life

I’m soo happy with life now

It feels so good not to have to cry myself to sleep

or constantly apologize to my husband for feeling like a failure 

Getting rid of my depression

Was seriously life changing