I should be crocheting right now.
Trying to avoid all my self hate.
Instead i’m drinking tequila…..
Being the bitter bitch that i absolutely HATE!
I’m watching my 600 pound life.
Trying to give myself the extra inspiration to lose 1 more pound.
But i fear i sound like a huge BITCH right now.
I am afraid i will forever suffer from “fat girl syndrome”
I’m ready to look in the mirror and be satisfied.
I know that’ll never happen.
Fat girl syndrome PLUS ptsd doesn’t mesh well.
On top of feeling forever fat and seeing fat, i feel worthless.
I feel like nothing will ever change.
I’m tired of ducking every time my husband gives me a hug.
I’m absolutely SICK of jumping to conclusions.
I HATE keeping my mouth shut….
I yearn to speak my mind, but i fear ill say something wrong.
I’m constantly walking on eggshells.
I’ll never be myself, nothing will ever be as it should.
I ruined me.
He ruined me.
And there’s nothing i can do but try and move on.
It’ll never happen.
My past seems like a blurr with each passing year.
But every now and then i have flashback after flash back.
And when that stage of self hatred is over with.
I go to sleep thinking everything was a dream and guess what?!
I have a fucking mother again.
I then realize, my mother is DEAD!
Everything is a fucking mirage!
I was not only fucking stupid and gullible as a teenager.
But i missed out on being with the people who truly loved me.
I’m a fucking idiot.
I’m a fucking bitch.
I only wish i was more bitter.
My mother taught me better then that.
I wish i could say i hated her and that i wish she was dead.
She had a great heart and deserved the whole world.
She was the whole world.
She gave me and my sisters, happiness, kindness, laughter…
She’s the reason i know how to hold my tongue and whats right and wrong.
If i was my father i would give no shits in the world.
I’d lie, cheat, steal, manipulate anything i wanted and more.
My mother gave me morals.
But what life has handed me has given me
I believe ill never feel sane.
The combination of being traumatized, beaten, dragged across the floor and raped by the person i thought loved me and had a baby with.
And the lost physically of not only my mother but mentally the lost of my father.
It’s drained me.
I cant do lost anymore….
I just want everyone to go away.
I don’t want to feel love……
I want to live.
I just don’t want to care.
I don’t want to love anymore.
I WANT to be loved.
I just don’t want to emote any feelings.
I want to prepare for heartache.
I just don’t want to give a fuck!
I HATE THAT I GIVE A FUCK!
Ignore me, i’m a ranter, trying to find herself.