Messy Room

What is life?

Do you ever stop and think?

Your a living, walking physical thing in existence.

I dont know how to function often

What the fuck is life.

Going with the motions, constantly going with the motions.

Pacing back and forth

Wondering what my next move is

Which is always….pacing back and forth.

My spare time revolves around walking aimlessly in my kitchen.

I dont know why.

My theory could be..

Because growing up food was a big deal.

Which has made me absolutely hate cooking.

But i love it at the same time ?

I loath a lot

Like a lot, a lot.

I’m starting to find myself but at the same time give no fucks.

I make no sense ever

Including now

No one understands me.

but I know everyone does at the same time

Were all a little crazy, a little off.

Were all a lot off.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we were all uniformed robots

Vs. Figuring out life on our own

(If your married or have some sort of spouse. Your still an individual person who makes there own thoughts and choices)

I’ve been going through it…

Making my own choices

I rather not though

I need someone to think for me

Tell me what to do

I need order

Because I’m a mess

A crazy no good for nothing mess of a person

But I’m guilty cause I’m not a mess

But feel guilty cause I feel a mess

I dont know what else to say

Besides I make no sense and this is going no where.

Have a nice day 😉

Fear is a Factor

I’m constantly so sad

I can’t seem to grasp the motivation to pull myself out

I’m so confused on what to do next

I just want the crying to stop

And the sleepless nights to end

When will the sun come out ?

I feel like I’m consistently waking up to a rainy day

And going to sleep to a stormy night

My brain is a giant storm cloud

And my eyes are shedding rain on a daily basis

Not even an umbrella can shield my pain

Gloom surrounds me

I move forward

Gloom moves forward

I try to ignore my thoughts

And here’s gloom ringing a bell shouting “did you miss me? I’m over here”!

I can’t seem to shut it off

I’ve been listening to music to bed, in hopes it overpowers everything

It only helps so much….

Why must I be so afraid of everything?

Looks like another sleepless night

#Fail

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. 

But that’s nothing new to me…or to anyone.

Everything I do turns to dust!

It disintegrates….

Dissolves into nothingness.

In a nutshell

MY LIFE IS A FUCKING FAIL!

Everything I do…I fail at, screws me over….or it just fucking dies.

I’ve traumatized myself, with my own failures and life decisions.

There’s no going back for me!

Camille’s gone with no sign of return.

All I have left is my body form, and a lifeless black hole fills in the empty space.

Crazy, Fucked Up, Unexplainable Maddness i tell ya!

I often wonder what if?

You all know I say that way too much!

I caught myself thinking my mother was alive the other day…AGAIN! 

I was staring at my kids

Thinking how cute and how much they’ve grown

I couldn’t wait to call my mother and tell her sienna said “ryleigh”

But then I realized There’s no one to call

My mothers dead

I started thinking “What if” AGAIN!

What if my mother was alive?

She would TOTALLY be happy!

I feel like she lived for grandchildren

Now she has them and can’t enjoy them

I know I often rant about the same things over and over again

I find peace

Then I lose it

Then I find peace again!

When will this crazy fucked up madness end?!

This past month I have loved Chris.

Okay yeahhh that sounds crazy writing that

but seriously sometimes my brain blacks out

and I cant control my anger

I absolutely start hating people

Flipping out

Most of it comes out on Chris.

If he even stares at me I yell

If I sense hes going to touch my shoulder I yell

I swear I have eyes in the back of my head

ears as big as dumbo

and senses that would scare some sort of supernatural being

[sorry for that one I’ve been watching vamp dies on Netflix all week]

I feel like I’m a crazy powerful human that would and could fuck your world up

but I choose not too

I choose to breathe

I choose the neutral, healthy, I-just-want-the-world-to-love-me-approach

I’m choosing to be like my mother

In the sense that I wanna be a people person

I just need to fuck this anxiety’s world up first

Anxiety=A Lot

Camille=Zeroooooo

Underground

Today is going to be one of those days

Theirs a chill of disappointment in the air

My breathing is so intense

I’m trying to contain my anxiety

Inside this little tiny box inside my body

But the box wants to burst open

I can never keep it shut

why cant I keep it shut?!

I had such pride that I refused to get help

But I’m starting to believe its selfish to hold onto that pride

Look what I’m doing to myself

I’m pushing myself towards craziness

What if I stopped this anxiety long ago

Maybe my illness wouldn’t of morphed so suddenly

Everything is happening slowly but surely

now I don’t just worry about anxiety and depression

Now I have to worry about concocting fake situations in my head

fake hatred

fake illnesses

Fake problems

Nothing seems real to me anymore

I cant sift through the truth like I use to

I freak out

I feel like a freak

Because I freak out

over something made wrong

or finding something 2ft from the place it should be

I snap!

I no longer hold my tongue

Words just pour out of my mouth

Like a waterfall

I cant stop it

I try to apologize

I want to apologize

But apologizing

Would mean explanation

Which would lead to

More anxiety

More depression

More paranoia

More seclusion

I despise seclusion

And all of thee above conclusions

Great Heart Bad Mind!

I’m working on myself

Still………!

Ive been saying that for months and months and months

For a second I feel a change

Then in a instant everything goes away

I want to feel better for my children

and especially for Chris

Chris deals with a lot

when it comes to me

More then any husband should deal with

I feel bad

and honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he left

But everyday without fail

he kisses me on the forehead and says

“I love you, no matter what, I’m never leaving and I’m always going to be here”

It feels good when he says that

My normal anxiety and depression

is slowly morphing into paranoia

and really bad mood swings

I can barely go to the store anymore

People make me nervous

The slightest anything can trigger anything

I honestly feel crazy

I’m going crazy

I cant even pick up the phone and call my grandmother anymore

The phone makes me nervous

Everything goes to voicemail

Text messages get ignored

People scare me

Death scares me

My mind scares me

But what keeps me going is knowing Chris is going to be by my side

Through all of it

Well, hopefully through all of it

Holding my hand

I’m the luckiest women in the world

and its all because of him

He doesn’t even realize it

Because the hatred I constantly feel towards him

doesn’t let me say it

My heart feels one way

But my head feels another

and my words have a strong bond with my brain

and I can never get the right words out

My big heart that I inherited from my mother

Is left unheard

I’m a good person

But I’m starting to feel bad

Binge, Binge, Binge!!!

I feel like punching someone in the face!

Don’t ask me why because i have no clue why.

I’m fucking angry right now and i don’t know what at!

I cant wait till Chris home so i cant take a moment to myself

and hoard myself in the bedroom and stare at the ceiling!

I’m fucking aggravated!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m binge eating

Yes, I’m fucking binge eating

I should really be upstairs working out

But instead I’m sitting here on the computer

stuffing my god damn face with nonsense!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m gonna regret all this food I’m eating

But it taste sooo freaking good

I wish i was at a buffet right now

So i could eat every last horrible feeling away!

Change within Minutes

I constantly feel like I’m bringing people down with me.

I feel like I’m ruining lives.

My depression is like a ship

and I’m sinking with it!

I’m taking a long passengers.

That don’t deserve to go down with me.

Ive been dealing with this for so long

i know i can handle it.

But not so much everyone else.

Many different situations in my life have made me as strong as i am.

Ive built up to this.

I was prepared.

Not so much others.

Sometimes, i feel like i should just do this alone.

What kind of mother, wife, friend

am i?

Spurts of happiness, turn to sadness

Anger 

Confusion!

Its hard to explain anymore.

I almost don’t want to explain it anymore.

I don’t want people to know, I’m not happy.

But i am happy.

Why cant i just BE happy?

Completely

Why does it have to be an in between feeling?

That’s how it feels in between!

I know the happiness wont last.

I know the sadness wont last

nor the anger

It all goes away eventually

Sometimes all at the same time.

And i just sit there.

With a blank stare!

Now what?

Ive been doing that a lot lately.

Just staring.

THINKING.

Happy thoughts.

OH how i love thinking of happiness.

Its feels like I’m dreaming but in reality.

Does that make sense?

I just found out someone really close to me died.

I cried.

I got depressed.

but now…i feel peace surrounding me!

I have my 2 angels on each shoulder.

My mother and one of the greatest men I’ve ever know, my landlord!

They’ve both wanted the best from me!

One of the last things my mom wanted

was for me to graduate high school!

And i accomplished that.

One of the last things my landlord wanted

was for me to go to college.

And that’s my next goal!

I want to make him proud, i need to!

Theres only so many people in my life

that have seem to be sincere about me succeeding

and hes one them.

I wish i could’ve said goodbye at least.

I always tell myself if i knew my mom was going die when she did, it would make a difference.

I was prepared for this.

I knew he was dying.

But the pain is the same.

The last thing he said to me

was he loved me and hopes he will see me again.

As upset as i am

I’m fucking so happy he’s up there in heaven keeping my mother company.

You guys probably thinking I’m so fucking crazy for loving my landlord so much

But call me crazy!

Remember how i always talk about

regret, and cherish the ones you love?

Well i need to learn to take my own advice!

Before i knew he was sick, id always avoided him when he stopped by

I hated his nagging

He really treated me like i was his own daughter

So you can only imagine how annoying he was haha

But now, i regret it!

I miss his nagging.

I wish he could call me up right now and yell at me!

I’m going to miss the way he would call me up and say obnoxiously

“HELLLLLLOOOOO camille its jerrrrrrrrrrrry”

as if i didnt have caller id and have

Beethoven’s 5th Symphony as his ring tone!

I have nothing more to say

I just wish i never knew!

I hate death!

The crazy thing, is i feel like…somehow i knew he was gone.

I just wish my mama was here to talk to!

R.I.P Gerald Burke 10.10.44-9.12.12<3

You have made such a huge impact on my life and you dont even know it!

listen to maria mena calm under the waves!

Angry Mother Fucker.

Anger.

Thats what im feeling right now.

I dont know if its because im missing my mom.

Because i fucking hate this deployment.

or because im just bored out of my mother fucking mind!

Either way

Im currently angry.