Underground

Today is going to be one of those days

Theirs a chill of disappointment in the air

My breathing is so intense

I’m trying to contain my anxiety

Inside this little tiny box inside my body

But the box wants to burst open

I can never keep it shut

why cant I keep it shut?!

I had such pride that I refused to get help

But I’m starting to believe its selfish to hold onto that pride

Look what I’m doing to myself

I’m pushing myself towards craziness

What if I stopped this anxiety long ago

Maybe my illness wouldn’t of morphed so suddenly

Everything is happening slowly but surely

now I don’t just worry about anxiety and depression

Now I have to worry about concocting fake situations in my head

fake hatred

fake illnesses

Fake problems

Nothing seems real to me anymore

I cant sift through the truth like I use to

I freak out

I feel like a freak

Because I freak out

over something made wrong

or finding something 2ft from the place it should be

I snap!

I no longer hold my tongue

Words just pour out of my mouth

Like a waterfall

I cant stop it

I try to apologize

I want to apologize

But apologizing

Would mean explanation

Which would lead to

More anxiety

More depression

More paranoia

More seclusion

I despise seclusion

And all of thee above conclusions

FUCK THE WOOOOOOOORLD!!!

Sometimes i wish that i was a mean nasty person like my dad.

Sometimes i just hate the fuck out of people.

I wish i could tell people like it is.

Giving them a fucking wake up call!

Reality check!

You know, just punch them in the face!

But i cant

Because i fortunately i was brought up like my mother.

Loving, caring, generous, a people person….ya know!

Sometimes i just wanna be like fuck the world

and do my own thing.

I wanna tell people off.

I wanna be able to curse you out so bad

that you don’t respond cause your so intimidated.

Life would be so much better

If i didn’t keep so many thoughts in.

Tell people that i dislike my thoughts and feelings.

I wish i had that eff the world attitude!

I may seem like a bad ass on the outside

but that’s because i want people to think i have that

“fuck the world attitude!!”

I want people to be intimidated!

I fucking hate people!

I hate talking to them!

I hate being around them!

I love being in my little shell.

With no worries.

No cares.

Not wondering what people are thinking

That gives me so much unnecessary anxiety!

AHHH!!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!

DONT MIND ME, IM JUST BEING BIPOLAR, YOU ALL KNOW YOU THINK LIKE THIS EVERY NOW AND THEN ;D