Tag Archives: paranoia

Sleep is for Suckers!

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I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

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Comfortably Uncomfortable

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 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.

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Before And After

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I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better 😉

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself 🙂

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

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According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with  myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

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Induced by Insanity

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I use to feel lost and alone

I often very much so still do 

I feel so empty

The only thing that keeps me going 

is my patience

I may feel like things are bad

I may feel like things aren’t worth it

but I know it’ll only last so long

My time is coming

I KNOW my time is coming

Patience is a virtue…..

All that matters is, how long i can last

and if you know me well enough by now

i LOVE a challenge ;P

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Mind Games

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I feel like everyone thinks its a joke

How fast their life could be taken away…….

You can literally go to sleep and not wake up

You can be at a restaurant drinking a cup of tea and die

I feel like everything revolves around dying

I could go to sleep tonight and my kids never see me again

or never see one of my kids again

Am i the only person who realizes that?

Why is that not a concern to the rest of the world?

Does it take a close loved one to randomly die

to realize no one is safe?

Its so scary to think anything could happen

I feel like everyone is programmed to die at any moment

Life is a game of roulette.

now tell me….

Do you think you got lucky?!

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Compulsively Impulsive

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I often feel like i’m losing myself
My paranoia is getting worse
My anxiety is getting bad
I’m going through stages
Crocheting, cleaning, working out
Im trying to focus
Focus on one thing
I’m starting to get frigidity
I’ve been working out and eating healthy to keep my mind in one place
It feels good
I haven’t had a drink in weeks
It feels soooooooo good
Well until tonight
I’ve had 2 drinks
I feel so guilty
But i still feel soooooooo good
It’s crazy
How a positive thing can give me the same feeling as a negative
I can feel my ocd intensifying as i type
I feel like washing my hands
I’ve noticed i’ve been doing better
but now, i shouldn’t of had a drink
Drinking makes me think
Thinking makes me feel gross
My hands feel so clammy
I feel like i’m contaminating myself with each thought
I had an ice cream sandwich tonight
I feel so gross
It makes me feel like i need to wash my hands
I feel like working out harder
I didn’t even eat the whole thing
I don’t wish this feeling on anyone
My lack of blogging proves how bad i’ve gotten
I try hard to hide my feelings
I don’t want my kids to see how hard i struggle
I can already see how much anxiety my son has from school
It breaks my heart
I’ve been trying to eat healthier
To get healthier
I constantly wash my hands to avoid getting “contaminated”
I don’t want to die
I don’t want my kids to go through what i have
I know how it feels to not have a mother
It’s part of the reason i am the way i am
I’m finding myself becoming compulsive
I’m also becoming impulsive
Which is making me crazy
I like to have a plan
Be organized
I cant be organized if i’m impulsive
I HATE my anxiety
I would’ve NEVER imagined it getting this far
If you only knew
If anybody only knew
The only people who know how i feel, know the hell i’m going through
And i feel sorry for those who are sticking by those who know how i feel
They’re the ones going through more hell
They not only have to deal with the outcome
But they have to deal with it blind
My husband deserves the world
i love him ❤
If he only knew!

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Comatose

why so serious

I often wonder if this real life…..
Am I dreaming?
Did Justin hit me so hard that I’m in some sort of coma?
Is this what a coma feels like?
How did I go from a completely happy carefree life
To this garbage?
I’m not saying I’m not happy
But I’m not completely satisfied.
6 years from my mother’s passing is quickly approaching
And its still hard to believe she’s gone
She’s missing out on my life
My children’s lives
I don’t have someone to call up and express my concerns
There’s no mother of the bride for me
No one to do my yearly Christmas shopping with
I’ve never had any normalcy in my life.
that’s all I want, just one ounce of normalcy
I’ve realized I’ve never really made any good choices in my life.
Chris was probably my first great choice
But every choice I’ve made leading up to him
Has screwed me over
I’m talking like I’ve lived such a full life!
I’m only 24 but I feel like I’m 40
I grew up so fast!
I’ve learned not to trust anyone at a young age.
I not only became a parent as a child, but I also lost my parents as a child.
I’m scared of everything
People think I’m this amazing super mom figure.
Pshh….I’m far from it.
A super mom wouldn’t be afraid to leave the house!
Talk to people, have a job, get things done!
My anxieties restrict me from a lot.
My grandparents have seen my 3 sisters succeed at different things at life.
My grandparents are all we have.
I feel like I’m the one who has failed them.
There old, and I want them to feel comfortable knowing
I’ve done something great!
I’m finally doing something for myself!
I’m finally breaking out of my shell and no longer afraid.
But I’m far from that.
I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
It seems hopeless at this point.
I’m just ready to wake up from this nightmare already!
How the hell can I wake up from this coma!!!

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Lost in my Thoughts and awakened to this?!

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i don’t know why I’ve been thinking about my mother so much lately

I watched a documentary earlier

on a women who was in jail for over 25 years

who was a “battered women”

then she developed lung cancer and had 6 more months to live

she had 2 kids, one of which was with the man she killed

[because he abused her, oh and she got out after 25 years]

probably 3 hrs afterwards I thought

I rather go my whole life

[which one of the daugthers did, her mother died 10 months after she got out of jail]

not knowing my mother and get just 10 months of my adult life with her

when your young I realize you don’t appreciate as much

I wish I appreciated her

I didn’t fight with her like some teenagers do with there moms

but when I did it was bad

and obviously I’m full of regret

I wanna give her 10 months of love

I wanna hold her and tell her how much good she did

I almost feel like she died out of sadness

it actually kills me to know I have true happiness

she might’ve found some sort of happiness from my father

[which personally I think is bullshit, but whatever]

but I know she probably never felt the happiness I do

my father is scum

as much as I try to convince myself that I love him and need him

I know its

just wanting something most people have

I feel like I need a parent

but if the parent is him

I rather pass

why choose someone to be in your life who chooses themselves

I’m jeal of Chris, whether he knows it or not

its not fair he can have parents

its not fair that I cant turn to someone with my problems

or ask questions when I have no clue what to do with my grown up life

its not fair that I can enjoy my children

without having someone I physically came from to show them off too

I’ve learned over time to ignore it

I’ve had a little more time then my sisters

each holiday gets harder because of my kids

[my older sister is the only one out of my 3 sisters with children]

and honestly I’m not gonna lie it gets harder every year

I’ve had a couple years over them not to brag or anything

which honestly theres nothing to brag about cause like I’ve said it gets harder

you see them laugh and smile

every year they ask a question every now and then

my son knows my mother is in heaven

and I tell him my father is dead

[he actually thinks my father is his uncle but whatever]

but I feel like its the right thing

I rather them not get attached to something that’s not there

my father is pointless but I miss him

my mother was everything

the one person I looked forward to learning from

and now all I have [parental wise]

is my grandparents

and when they go its going to be like losing actual parents

all over again

fuck my fucking life right?!

honestly nothings fair

keep your distance from people you love

it makes shit easier

fuck that!

I wanna be heartless

but I cant

I love who I can

as long as I can

its like a blessing actually

now I know to appreciate those around me

im paranoid about death but at least

I can still love

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Oh the convenience of me not being in this wonderful family photo

a great ol’ pic of my parents and my 3 sisters

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Underground

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Today is going to be one of those days

Theirs a chill of disappointment in the air

My breathing is so intense

I’m trying to contain my anxiety

Inside this little tiny box inside my body

But the box wants to burst open

I can never keep it shut

why cant I keep it shut?!

I had such pride that I refused to get help

But I’m starting to believe its selfish to hold onto that pride

Look what I’m doing to myself

I’m pushing myself towards craziness

What if I stopped this anxiety long ago

Maybe my illness wouldn’t of morphed so suddenly

Everything is happening slowly but surely

now I don’t just worry about anxiety and depression

Now I have to worry about concocting fake situations in my head

fake hatred

fake illnesses

Fake problems

Nothing seems real to me anymore

I cant sift through the truth like I use to

I freak out

I feel like a freak

Because I freak out

over something made wrong

or finding something 2ft from the place it should be

I snap!

I no longer hold my tongue

Words just pour out of my mouth

Like a waterfall

I cant stop it

I try to apologize

I want to apologize

But apologizing

Would mean explanation

Which would lead to

More anxiety

More depression

More paranoia

More seclusion

I despise seclusion

And all of thee above conclusions

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Great Heart Bad Mind!

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I’m working on myself

Still………!

Ive been saying that for months and months and months

For a second I feel a change

Then in a instant everything goes away

I want to feel better for my children

and especially for Chris

Chris deals with a lot

when it comes to me

More then any husband should deal with

I feel bad

and honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he left

But everyday without fail

he kisses me on the forehead and says

“I love you, no matter what, I’m never leaving and I’m always going to be here”

It feels good when he says that

My normal anxiety and depression

is slowly morphing into paranoia

and really bad mood swings

I can barely go to the store anymore

People make me nervous

The slightest anything can trigger anything

I honestly feel crazy

I’m going crazy

I cant even pick up the phone and call my grandmother anymore

The phone makes me nervous

Everything goes to voicemail

Text messages get ignored

People scare me

Death scares me

My mind scares me

But what keeps me going is knowing Chris is going to be by my side

Through all of it

Well, hopefully through all of it

Holding my hand

I’m the luckiest women in the world

and its all because of him

He doesn’t even realize it

Because the hatred I constantly feel towards him

doesn’t let me say it

My heart feels one way

But my head feels another

and my words have a strong bond with my brain

and I can never get the right words out

My big heart that I inherited from my mother

Is left unheard

I’m a good person

But I’m starting to feel bad

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