Tag Archives: domestic violence

Sleep is for Suckers!

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I cant sleep! 

but I don’t know if I want to anymore. 

My nightmares have been so horrible 

that I just want to avoid them all together.

I usually find peace in my sleep. 

It’s the only time my mind really stops running 

….for the most part. 

Lately it has been nightmare after nightmare. 

Re-traumatizing myself night after night. 

I’m ready for it stop and disappear.

I want my sanctuary back! 

I’m tired of the tears that lead up to my slumber.

I’m tired of preparing my mind for all the mental pain i’m about to endure.

I already suffer through that enough during the day.

Something that I once looked forward too, I now want to avoid.

I wonder how much sleep ill get tonight?

Maybe i’ll just pull an all nighter, I rather suffer through my thoughts wide awake 

then put myself through hell at night.

At least i’m prepared for that.

My nightmares are so unpredictable, I cant even close my eyes for a second without getting terrified.

I’m over it!

Pshh, who needs sleep anyway?!

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Comfortably Uncomfortable

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 Have you noticed how life gets so comfortable?

You get comfortable with yourself…

Other people…

Your surroundings….

ACTUAL BREATHING !

I’m a victim of becoming comfortable.

I’ve gotten comfortable with my problems

Comfortable with going back to the negative mind-set I once was at

And comfortable just accepting it.

Everyday I wake up taking life for granted

But I tell myself its OK, you can work it out tomorrow…

Tomorrow comes, yet same old story

I don’t know how to express myself anymore…

I’ve become so numb to everything

Good or bad

I rather just not care

It’s like, whats the point?

I’m sure ill find out eventually, but that day isn’t today.

And i’m pretty sure it wont be tomorrow

But i’m betting on eventually.

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Ridiculous Thoughts

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I keep having this strange thought.

About a conversation I had with my abusive ex’s friend

and its been irking me.

Apparently he offered “my services” as if I was a prostitute

I’ve been feeling really grossed out by it lately.

If I would’ve stayed would it of gone that far?

I’m so disgusted

I don’t know who to be disgusted with though

Myself? Him? his friend for telling me

how far would my abuse went ??

I feel like i’m forever broken

I’ll always be ruined

but I don’t understand why it affects me so much

It makes me feel so weak

but in reality, no one should have to go through the torture I did.

Even if it wasn’t ripping off my figer nails torture

Everyday with him was.

I’ts not normal and never will be considered normal.

I’m not weak, still being here on this earth makes me strong.

I contemplated suicide so many times when I was with him.

I often wonder if I made the wrong decision by still being around

but I know I made the right decision.

Seeing my situation through

was the right thing.

I just hate all the thoughts and flashbacks that come with it

I must remember there only thoughts

that’s all they are…..

even if they evolved into fears.

Fear of people

Fear of trust

Fear of living

Fear of death!

My situation has evolved into a fear of everything.

I’m literally trapped in my own body

with thoughts that don’t seem to go away.

I’m afraid of everything and refuse to leave my house unless I have to.

I seriously made such a poor choice as a teenager.

Every time i think about my choices

I think about when my sister told me he was trouble.

She warned me

from day one.

I remember it clear as day.

Blood is defiantly thicker then water.

I should’ve listened…..

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Before And After

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I haven’t been writing

But I’m not sorry for that….

I’m getting better

Not better at writing silly, but better, better 😉

I feel it and I know it!

I know I’ve said this before, but no lie!

I have opened my eyes that true change comes from within

I’ve been so busy waiting for my happiness to happen versus trying to make it happen myself

Yes my depression, anxiety and paranoia are constantly showing there faces but ptsd is a bitch and I have no plans of letting it take me down anymore!

I must keep reminding myself to get into a routine

Routine is everything to me

My day goes by the same way everyday

And as long as I can tweak my routine a bit  without my brain mentally realizing it then I can add a little healthy attitude into my everyday.

I can feel myself getting stronger

Loving life

Loving myself

Literally loving every part of myself 🙂

My insides are becoming brighter then the sun and no longer the dark misty black hole that I constantly complain about

There’s finally a shed of light within my grasp and I’m never letting go

Not one bit, not for anyone!

Which brings me to my next enlightening

Never lower yourself for anyone

Learn to say no!

No!

Noo!

Noooo!!!

You want me to help you with something easy that I’d usual be down with helping you with?

“Nah chill, I’m too busy minding my own business” in reality I’m telling myself I love me!

I am beautiful!

I’m worth every ounce of breathe I have ever taken!

Yes this all sounds a tad bit selfish and a bit vein but after years of engraving in my mind that I’m a piece of shit….

Hell yeah I’m going to take a bit of me time and love myself and be lazy

My selfishness is apart of MY healing process

I’m all about me!

Me! Me! Meeeeee!!!!!

You notice I said “my healing process”

Noting: this may or may not work for everyone

Shit it may not even work for me, but right now in this moment…it’s what has made me see a brighter future!!!

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According to wordpress i wrote that 17days ago^^^

Riiiiiiiiight now, in this time

I mean none of that

positivity can turn into a negative in a minute

I’m no longer hopeful things will ever change

I must learn to adapt…

but that seems like so much work

(crying hysterically on the inside)

I’m sure things will get better one day

Stay optimistic Camille….

I swear i’m not as strong as i use to be

i feel different from when i started blogging

I’m a totally different person

But i guess that’s what happens as you grow.

its like being trapped in the situation that i was in as a teenager made me stronger

but its not until i see now

i’ve been living the good life

i’ve taken things for granted

i’m selfish….

I can never appreciate what i have

and i admit that

I love everything i have, i just want to stop feeling crazy.

nothings really wrong

but i feel like i’m melting

I’m spiraling back into the intense hole i created for myself

and i cant seem to find my way out

but i know i will

It’s just so frustrating going back and fourth

I’m sure you can relate in a sense

We’re all different but the same haha

I’m laughing only because i know…i’m not alone…

That’s what motivates me!

Thoughts are just thoughts….

I’m at war with  myself

and i’m ready for a treaty

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Live to be loved


I don’t think ive ever stopped and gave myself a highfive for getting out of a toxic relationship.

I don’t think i’ve yet recognized I was even in one.

I know I was in one. 

But its hard to think YOU could be betrayed by someone you loved with your all.

It hurts right through the bone!


Straight through the freaking bone…


I’m speechless…


Lately, I’ve had nothing to say.


But its because I’ve felt weird…


That’s the only way I can explain it…


I’ve felt stupid.


How could I ever put myself in a sitiation like that?!


We can be so nieve at moments…


We want things to work out the way they do in our heads…


Some people just want to love and be loved…


That’s all I’ve ever wanted…


I just want to love


I want to live in a world filled with love…


Love is the greatest happiness of all…


Well…to me.


I’ll never feel truly loved


That’s completely ruined for me.


All I can do now, is try and make my own happiness and accept it…


I currently have my happiness


Now I just have to own it, appreciate it and accept it!

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dIARY OF A gIRL wITH fAT gIRL sYNDROME!

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I’ve been going through moments where my day revolves around eating.

I’ve been binge eating.

I feel super gross.

Every time I eat, I remember this one specific moment in my teenage years when I thought i’d forever be 100lbs.

I told myself

(at this time not knowing life wanted to throw hardcore life lessons at me)

“I don’t care if i’m 500lbs, eating makes me happy!”

Ha! BULLSHIT!

Just being a little over 200lbs, specifically 220…

I was miserable.

Now finally 144 (after about 6yrs) i’m afraid to see that weight again.

COMPLETELY MORTIFIED!

I’m still not happy with my weight now!

My mental health is making me eat again..

Eat and eat and freaking eat.

I eat all day, well more then usual.

I wish I was one of those people who could binge and purge…

Just saying the word PURGE makes me sick! 

My moral standards would never let me do that.

My conscience is a blessing but a curse.

Why can’t I be completely crazy, or completely sane?

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Please excuse me while I go eat a huge unnecessary bowl of spaghetti.

Which will be followed by a whole bag of deliciousness!

The one and only snack that smiles back…

GOLDFISH.

(my weakness)

I know i’ll feel a little bit better, but it all will conclude with GUILT!

DISGUSTING GUILT!!

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Story Of My Anxic Life!

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Have you ever thought how crazy it is that everyone has different fears?

Afraid of clowns.

Spiders.

Water.

Death…..

These aren’t all my fears, but they are someones…ANYONE’S!

Think of your biggest fear.

Roller coasters.

Flowers.

Birds.

Choking on your favorite food.

Imagine your heart pounding. 

Your eyes widening…. 

Getting short of breath.

Speechless.

Motionless.

Now take away that fear

and imagine feeling that way 

Consistently, constantly…everyday.

EVERY FREAKING DAY!

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In between Thoughtlessness

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I hate when people assume you act the way you act because your “drunk”
I do drink often But I’m a very functional drinker.
(I know that sounds cliche but I’m super serious ;P)
There’s no reason to make someone feel like shit because of their mental state whether they drink or not.
I wish I could actually be an nonfunctional drunk!
I wish I was an nonfunctional something so I could at least feel some silence in the world.
I’m just super annoyed, I just want the world to know I’m fine and functional.
Just nonfunctional in the sense that I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore….
Life is a mess
But it’s because I made it a mess
I’m a mess.
Sometimes when I watch TV shows
And see people yelling screaming saying what’s on there mind….
I only wish I could do that.
I just want to scream, and cry and scream again!
I want to punch a wall but that shit cost too much money!
I’m super cheap…..
I only wish I didn’t have to think about money .
I wish I didn’t have to think about problems.
I wish I didn’t have to think….
Just for one day….
I’m scared my mind will forever race
Through life, death or whatever in between….

 

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Overwhelming Oversight

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I feel so overwhelmed.

When will the madness stop.

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Que Sera Sera!

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I woke up this morning thinking about scenarios.
What could’ve happened if I defended myself against that asshole!
I ended up getting shot and killed in everyone.
It’s sad I sat there and let him beat me
Like literally sat there.
I felt so helpless but yet had so much rage.
Instead of hurting him I would’ve hurt myself.
I couldn’t imagine sinking to his level
Why inflict pain on someone else?
I figured at the time if I hurt myself
It would be more effective then trying to hurt him.
He would have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life!
Yeah he was an asshole but I knew it would hurt him.
I clearly never hurt myself
I almost did but clearly didn’t.
I couldn’t imagine leaving my son.
I couldn’t imagine leaving my family.
I couldn’t imagine giving up!
I’m the most stubborn bitch in the world!
Of course I wouldn’t kill myself for a man.
That’s why I just sat there and took the beatings.
Like I said literally sat there.
I waited for it the be over.
If I had a watch I probably would’ve checked it a couple of times and asked
“are you done yet?! Can you hurry up and finish?
“I have places to go, people to see! You know in my little corner of the room I’m being subjected to.”
I feel like I probably eye rolled at every first punch.
“Oh here we go again, hopefully he’ll let me know what minimal thing I did this time! Like burn the toast or some shit.”
Every tear I shed
I was laughing inside
“This guy is an asshole, like this is seriously my life.”
I honestly can’t believe I let something like that happen to me!
But bet your bottom dollar
That I will NEVER EVER EVER!
Let that happen again!
Whether it’s with me or one of my girls.
I swear I will nip that shit in the ass the second it happens!
Especially when it comes to my girls.
I absolutely refuse to let them have my problems.
Having PTSD is no joke!
Having anxiety and depression is no joke.
People seriously hurt themselves over this kinda crap.
I’m not willing to risk the chain reactions that could be.
I insist on my kids living the better life I never had
But i could only imagine what that could have been.
With that said everything happens for a reason.
[I know I’m so cliche]
And if it wasn’t for that event
My life wouldn’t be the way it is now.
With my wonderful kids and perfect idealic husband!
[Hmp… Is idealic even a word? I guess now it is]

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