I often wonder what if?
You all know I say that way too much!
I caught myself thinking my mother was alive the other day…AGAIN!
I was staring at my kids
Thinking how cute and how much they’ve grown
I couldn’t wait to call my mother and tell her sienna said “ryleigh”
But then I realized There’s no one to call
My mothers dead
I started thinking “What if” AGAIN!
What if my mother was alive?
She would TOTALLY be happy!
I feel like she lived for grandchildren
Now she has them and can’t enjoy them
I know I often rant about the same things over and over again
I find peace
Then I lose it
Then I find peace again!
When will this crazy fucked up madness end?!
This past month I have loved Chris.
Okay yeahhh that sounds crazy writing that
but seriously sometimes my brain blacks out
and I cant control my anger
I absolutely start hating people
Most of it comes out on Chris.
If he even stares at me I yell
If I sense hes going to touch my shoulder I yell
I swear I have eyes in the back of my head
ears as big as dumbo
and senses that would scare some sort of supernatural being
[sorry for that one I’ve been watching vamp dies on Netflix all week]
I feel like I’m a crazy powerful human that would and could fuck your world up
but I choose not too
I choose to breathe
I choose the neutral, healthy, I-just-want-the-world-to-love-me-approach
I’m choosing to be like my mother
In the sense that I wanna be a people person
I just need to fuck this anxiety’s world up first