Time Fades to Black

When do we find true happiness?

There’s times I’ve told you guys i was happy

other times I’ve told you i was cured.

But in reality

when does the pain honestly go away?

These little spurts of happiness

yeah there great at that moment

but after a while, you cant even enjoy them.

You know they wont last long.

In all seriousness

half the time i don’t even know why I’m upset.

I cry for no reason.

I’m sad for no reason.

I hate the world…..for no reason.

Living like this is sick and cruel.

Both mentally and physically.

I cant believe one event in my life

could cause so much pain.

Then adding on a second

just increase the heartache and hatred i have towards life!

I can see why some people would wanna hurt them selves.

You see i use to think that way when i was younger.

But that’s when i had nothing going for me.

Now i have a wonderful family that keeps me together.

I try to look at life in a certain perspective.

Yes, tragic things have happened.

Years ago.

There done.

There over with.

There’s nothing i can do about it!

I’ve faced them.

Why am i dwelling?

Why does it still hurt as if it was yesterday?

You know that little part of your brain that helps you tune out your kids or your parents?

[if you have kids, and don’t lie you know you tune them out]

Well I’m pretty sure the only reason why I’m such a pro!

I’m so good just blocking out life.

Sometimes i completely forget about being abused.

But the second a memory is triggered.

I can recite the whole thing back to you.

In complete and utter detail.

Its kinda cool but really depressing.

Well its cool that my memory can be that good.

But the situation is just depressing all together!

I don’t know how these memories are triggered

and i don’t know when its gonna happen,

it just does.

And sometimes, there is no memory.

My mind fades to black

I think that’s one of the memories I’ve must’ve blocked out.

But i know its there.

I feel that its there.

I just cant see it.

And that’s when i breakdown most.

I wonder what horrible thing happened to me

to be so intense that I’ve blocked it out.

I want to know!

I remember being dragged by my hair

all the way into his room.

Just to be stomped all over my body.

Punched in my face repeatedly.

Spit on.

Had a gun put to my head.

Then raped.

Afterwards i was called gross.

Worthless.

Nasty.

I was the slut that no one would want!

Just writing that brings me to tears.

Its weird to read that over.

My mind just blanked!

I just had flashback

What happened?

What could be much worse then that?

What did i block out?

Would knowing make me better?

Is that the closure i need?

Hmp, why am i asking so many fucking questions

that ill never get the answer too?! 

Back to reality!

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2 thoughts on “Time Fades to Black

  1. Bourbon says:

    Gosh i can relate to this post a great deal…. the wanting to know… the wondering if the pain will ever go away…. just thought I would pop up to say hey and you’re not alone xx

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