Divine intervention


it’s almost a week away to the big dramatic I hate life day

dec 26th

which honestly I should appreciate its not dec 25th

but anyway

im emo

im officially an emo child

I hate things constantly

but mostly in December

who loses a parent around the best time of the year right??

my favorite time of year !

I can’t decide whats worst

being abused

losing my mom to death

or losing my father to life

haha you would think it would be an easy decision

but it’s not

shit has stuck to my brain

im permanently traumatized

I don’t understand and no one understands me

the one chance I took to see a psychologist she was fucking retard

seriously not making fun of mentality ill people but she would’ve been that category

I let my guard down and ended up lying to her about how I truly felt because she had more underlying issues that she pawned on me

see everyone loses my trust

I can only talk to myself

in the sense that I talk to myself in this blog.

and I pray people feel the same

i only trust myself and just myself

ive been married going on 3 years

and havent been physically or mentally abused for

about ehhh maybe 6 years plus

and im still feeling the pressure

when does it go away

secretly i feel if my mom was here it would be different

but now that i think of it

who the fuck am i kidding

my problems have partial due to my mom being gone

but its the abuse that forced me to trust no one

i wanna trust again

i wanna love again

to the full extent

please take every space i type as a period or some sort of punctuation 

im too lazy to type one haha


if you been following i give a fuck but only in my mind

if you don’t get me emotionally yet

then you should either be back tracking

or stop following

or if your new

and you’re so depressed that every little bit of anything is difficult

you understand

and honestly if im the only one who understands its fine

im okay

i don’t need proper english

or mr.ware [my old English teacher who was the best]

i just need my thoughts

i need to reread just my thoughts

my whole life revolves around losing someone everyday

i think 2014 is it

i don’t believe in resolutions 

but i want too

i want to believe in something

can someone explain anything ? i know people comment on my blogs

or just read my blogs

but i wanna know

do you think the way i do ??

with lost, or without?

with the abuse or without ?

whether it’s with your parents, a loved one, or someone you truly trusted

I was like an escape arrest with emotions

until I fell in love

then I lost everything

heart mind and soul


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5 thoughts on “Divine intervention

  1. I feel the same way.. Between losses of everything: Family, friends, love and youth in general. The older I get the more I see–> the more anxiety and depression I feel. One day we all will look back and realize somewhere we just became happy again: I Hope

  2. Jess says:

    I understand. The older I get the worse it gets. ..its complicated.

    • cpaynelove says:

      yesss!! I fully and completely understand, its like nothing in my life is dramatically any different but my feelings get worse every year, its constistantly a huge jump of raging emotions and I don’t know where there coming from

      • Jess says:

        I have the same issue…I’m a bouncy ball this time of year, mood swings so terrible that I don’t even know where they’re coming from…and mostly from sad to mad, ya know? I wonder if its seasonal or something.

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