Lost in my Thoughts and awakened to this?!

2

i don’t know why I’ve been thinking about my mother so much lately

I watched a documentary earlier

on a women who was in jail for over 25 years

who was a “battered women”

then she developed lung cancer and had 6 more months to live

she had 2 kids, one of which was with the man she killed

[because he abused her, oh and she got out after 25 years]

probably 3 hrs afterwards I thought

I rather go my whole life

[which one of the daugthers did, her mother died 10 months after she got out of jail]

not knowing my mother and get just 10 months of my adult life with her

when your young I realize you don’t appreciate as much

I wish I appreciated her

I didn’t fight with her like some teenagers do with there moms

but when I did it was bad

and obviously I’m full of regret

I wanna give her 10 months of love

I wanna hold her and tell her how much good she did

I almost feel like she died out of sadness

it actually kills me to know I have true happiness

she might’ve found some sort of happiness from my father

[which personally I think is bullshit, but whatever]

but I know she probably never felt the happiness I do

my father is scum

as much as I try to convince myself that I love him and need him

I know its

just wanting something most people have

I feel like I need a parent

but if the parent is him

I rather pass

why choose someone to be in your life who chooses themselves

I’m jeal of Chris, whether he knows it or not

its not fair he can have parents

its not fair that I cant turn to someone with my problems

or ask questions when I have no clue what to do with my grown up life

its not fair that I can enjoy my children

without having someone I physically came from to show them off too

I’ve learned over time to ignore it

I’ve had a little more time then my sisters

each holiday gets harder because of my kids

[my older sister is the only one out of my 3 sisters with children]

and honestly I’m not gonna lie it gets harder every year

I’ve had a couple years over them not to brag or anything

which honestly theres nothing to brag about cause like I’ve said it gets harder

you see them laugh and smile

every year they ask a question every now and then

my son knows my mother is in heaven

and I tell him my father is dead

[he actually thinks my father is his uncle but whatever]

but I feel like its the right thing

I rather them not get attached to something that’s not there

my father is pointless but I miss him

my mother was everything

the one person I looked forward to learning from

and now all I have [parental wise]

is my grandparents

and when they go its going to be like losing actual parents

all over again

fuck my fucking life right?!

honestly nothings fair

keep your distance from people you love

it makes shit easier

fuck that!

I wanna be heartless

but I cant

I love who I can

as long as I can

its like a blessing actually

now I know to appreciate those around me

im paranoid about death but at least

I can still love

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Oh the convenience of me not being in this wonderful family photo

a great ol’ pic of my parents and my 3 sisters

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