Greater Than >< Less Than

I want to appreciate life

I just want to wake up

With a different perspective

I don’t need a traumatic situation

To make me realize how much I love living

I just want it to happen

I can’t take anymore tragic events or scares

I also want to feel appreciated

As much as your willing to tell me

You love or need or think I’m awesome

Ill never feel that way

Ill always feel less then perfect

Mediocre

Fat

Worthless

I’m tired

That’s all I feel like I can say

There’s no way else

I can describe it

I hate this

I’m furious

I’m angry

Really angry

Oh what one traumatic event can do to ones life!

Im ready to wake up

And pretend nothing bad has ever happened.

Wishy Washy

Nothing seems to help anymore

I’m too far in

Is this payback For all the mistakes I’ve made?

I know things should fall into place

But I’m tired of waiting

I can’t see myself feeling this way any longer

I’m 22 and I already feel so weak

Defeated by life

I’m not even a quarter century

And already have so much going on

Too much

I need to get better already

I can’t wait to blog about happy times

I miss my happy blogs

I feel like a let down

I convinced you guys I was perfect

And perfect I’m not

I forget how life feels

Real life

One with a smile

One with legit Feeling, emotion,  you know…true feelings

Of love and happiness

I want joy for myself

For my kids

I’m tired of hiding behind a smile

A fake one at that

There’s a whole lot of nothing Wrong with me

I need correction

Spellcheck

Whiteout

Something…. I need a redo

Same scenarios

Better choices

I’m stronger then i think

Cause if i wasn’t

I would’ve stopped pouring my heart out

months ago !!

Anxious Oversight

Sometimes i sit here

and wonder if i should blog or not?!

Mid anxiety attack.

Most of the time my answer is Yes!

But then sometimes, it just seems pointless

I feel like I’m letting everyone too deep into my soul.

These are feelings i cant even say to myself

But yet in a fit of rage

I can sit here

Write down my feelings

And press Publish!

Let you all in my head.

Sometimes i wonder, why don’t i do this anonymously?

I feel like i should

I don’t want to seem vulnerable

Or needy.

Bust mostly needy.

Ive always done things for myself

But in a state of panic

I don’t move

I freeze up

I don’t wanna move

I want to sit and think and stare

You know

Pointless shit!

I often wonder why i handle my feelings this way

I want to find a consistent alternative

For my anxiety.

A healthy one.

I want to find consistent happiness.

Real happiness.

But yet….I am happy!

So what am i really looking for?

Why am i never satisfied?

and dont pull that, shes a women bullshit

[for all you fellas reading this]

I dont ask for much.

And honestly

I dont want much

I just want to know, what i want.

What triggers these anxious bones in my body?!

Whats Your Biggest Fear?!

Me and Chris were talking about fears tonight

Of course he gave me the normal bullshit

Any guy would give

And he stated that he has no fears

Well….that he could think of

But I have a list of fears

And right now I’m going to grow some balls

And tell you

Don’t judge me I know most of you won’t

Cause like I say

Your not alone

Were not alone

But here goes

I fear death

Death of loved ones

Death of myself

My children growing up without a mother

Death of my husband leaving me alone with 3 kids

Death of my husband and I leaving my kids alone

I fear addiction

I fear becoming like my parents

I fear solving my problems with medication

I’ve avoided it so long Because of this fear

I don’t want to rely on anything but myself

I fear cancer

I’ve seen too many people deteriorate before my eyes

I fear self harm

I fear being judged for what I’m going through

I hate putting myself out there

But I choose to with this blog

I fear not meeting my own personal expectations

As a person, mother, sister,granddaughter, wife…etc

I fear after life

I fear Chris leaving me

Cheating on me

Loving someone else

I fear growing up the way I grew up

I fear people

I fear my illness will get worst

And most of all I fear life

Living past my time

Watching loved ones die around me

I’m pretty sure there’s more, and i could go one for days

But I’m not.

But have you ever thought about it?

Whats your fear exactly?!

Maybe sharing it with someone it would help a lot.

I know talking to Chris about it last night helped me.

I’m not one to express myself

But I’ve noticed I’ve been opening up to him a lot

And it feels good!

Creature, Creature, Go away!

I’m starting to feel like a dream
I know that makes no sense
My life of living feels
Like nothing is real anymore
Day by day the same old shit
Nothing new
I wake up
And wait to fall asleep
Just to do it over and over
I feel like since my mother has died
I’ve just been dreaming
I’m still dreaming
I’m physically a dream
I’m ready to wake up
And live life
I’m tired of sitting and thinking all day
My anxiety flows through my bones
Tears stream down my face
Anger fills my heart
I’m no longer Camille
I’m some evil horrid creature
I hate this person I have become
I WANT THIS TO ALL GO AWAY
But nothing ever goes my way
Why would it?
Only good things happen to bad people.
Its impossible to rid the good from my heart.
It over powers this….this thing.
Which i am thankful for.

What’s another day?!

So this is the 1 year anniversary of me starting my blog!

WooHoo!!!!

And not only is this the one year anniversary

But its also my 100th blog post! [[Insert horrble transition sentence here]]

I don’t know if I’m getting better.

or if I’m just getting used to the pain, aggravation, irritation, and mood swings.

I feel free and calm one minute.

Then my mood changes the next.

I go to sleep, wake up and forget about the day before.

I start new and fresh

until it all happens all over again.

It gets old.

Its getting old.

I’m just happy that i am one of those people that can deal.

I’m plenty aware I’m not in my right mind

and I’m plenty aware not to hurt myself.

There thoughts.

And my conscience

helps me push them aside

and over power the bad ones!

I know I’m crazy but not insane.

Its impossible

because for me to recognize that i was insane

then how sane would i actually be?!

to be insane you don’t know your insane

its just a way of life.

What you know.

Its what your brain is told and radiating to your thoughts!

But i know right and wrong

and how to handle it.

I’m just not in a great state of mind.

A little crazy.

Just not insane!

From lightness there’s darkness

and from darkness there’s light!

That’s what is encapsulated in my mind.

There’s no wrong or right.

That’s my take on that.

Bad comes from good, and good comes from bad.

And repeat!

Repetitive thoughts!

Repetitively thinking.

I’m a thinker.

I think a lot.

I repeat things to cope.

I hide under my big pink pillow to cope.

I shut my eyes to cope.

I shake my head back and forth to cope.

I’M DONE FUCKING COPING!!

WHEN DOES THIS SHIT END!!!

WHEN DOES THIS SHIT GET BETTER!!!

WHEN DOES THIS SHIT GO AWAY!!!

Someone please tell me you’ve made it to

that shiny bright light that shines at the end of the darkness.

And please tell me when you got there

you stayed!

Does it just fade away?

and repeat?!

From dark there’s light.

From light there’s dark.

dark…light.

light…dark!

Deep, deep in my fucking mind

You go!

Thank you for traveling!