Change within Minutes

I constantly feel like I’m bringing people down with me.

I feel like I’m ruining lives.

My depression is like a ship

and I’m sinking with it!

I’m taking a long passengers.

That don’t deserve to go down with me.

Ive been dealing with this for so long

i know i can handle it.

But not so much everyone else.

Many different situations in my life have made me as strong as i am.

Ive built up to this.

I was prepared.

Not so much others.

Sometimes, i feel like i should just do this alone.

What kind of mother, wife, friend

am i?

Spurts of happiness, turn to sadness

Anger 

Confusion!

Its hard to explain anymore.

I almost don’t want to explain it anymore.

I don’t want people to know, I’m not happy.

But i am happy.

Why cant i just BE happy?

Completely

Why does it have to be an in between feeling?

That’s how it feels in between!

I know the happiness wont last.

I know the sadness wont last

nor the anger

It all goes away eventually

Sometimes all at the same time.

And i just sit there.

With a blank stare!

Now what?

Ive been doing that a lot lately.

Just staring.

THINKING.

Happy thoughts.

OH how i love thinking of happiness.

Its feels like I’m dreaming but in reality.

Does that make sense?

I just found out someone really close to me died.

I cried.

I got depressed.

but now…i feel peace surrounding me!

I have my 2 angels on each shoulder.

My mother and one of the greatest men I’ve ever know, my landlord!

They’ve both wanted the best from me!

One of the last things my mom wanted

was for me to graduate high school!

And i accomplished that.

One of the last things my landlord wanted

was for me to go to college.

And that’s my next goal!

I want to make him proud, i need to!

Theres only so many people in my life

that have seem to be sincere about me succeeding

and hes one them.

I wish i could’ve said goodbye at least.

I always tell myself if i knew my mom was going die when she did, it would make a difference.

I was prepared for this.

I knew he was dying.

But the pain is the same.

The last thing he said to me

was he loved me and hopes he will see me again.

As upset as i am

I’m fucking so happy he’s up there in heaven keeping my mother company.

You guys probably thinking I’m so fucking crazy for loving my landlord so much

But call me crazy!

Remember how i always talk about

regret, and cherish the ones you love?

Well i need to learn to take my own advice!

Before i knew he was sick, id always avoided him when he stopped by

I hated his nagging

He really treated me like i was his own daughter

So you can only imagine how annoying he was haha

But now, i regret it!

I miss his nagging.

I wish he could call me up right now and yell at me!

I’m going to miss the way he would call me up and say obnoxiously

“HELLLLLLOOOOO camille its jerrrrrrrrrrrry”

as if i didnt have caller id and have

Beethoven’s 5th Symphony as his ring tone!

I have nothing more to say

I just wish i never knew!

I hate death!

The crazy thing, is i feel like…somehow i knew he was gone.

I just wish my mama was here to talk to!

R.I.P Gerald Burke 10.10.44-9.12.12<3

You have made such a huge impact on my life and you dont even know it!

listen to maria mena calm under the waves!