High and Dry aka Normal and Insane!

10

I often wonder how insane I actually am

I will never have peace!

I will never have clarity!

I’m completely crazy!

But not entirely insane.

I will never feel comfortable with who i am….emphasis on the “I”

I’m constantly judging myself…

But why?

I honestly don’t give a fuck!!

So why do I give a fuck!

Emphasis on the “GIVE A FUCK”!!

Like can someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck tell me how they resist actually giving a fuck!?

I’m super conflicted for no reason.

I know what I want.

Now how do I get it?

Raise your hand if you ever think i’m going to find out the answer hahaha 

Ignore me, i’m insane…crazy and often don’t give a fuuuck ;D

Excuse my language, i’m clearly in one of those moods!

I don’t know who i am right now.

It’s 10:30pm and it’s okay for me to let loose

aka rant my whole life away.

But what am I actually ranting about

I never make any sense…do I?

Honestly is this blog even cohesive?

I feel like i’m constantly all over the place… 

You all probably feel the same way as i do right now

(inside evil laughter)

You all think i’m crazy!

Hahahahaha

I hate questioning everything i write

and everything I post

and obviously everything I think. 

The only thing that makes me feel content 

Is I know i’m not the only one who has these thoughts….

Is it fucked up that that’s what wakes me up in the morning?

Other people’s despair?

Don’t take it the wrong way 

But knowing someone has it worst then me

Which i’m sure people do……..

14 million times worst then me….

Makes me feel better.

I’m a tad bit selfish

But like…

I’m not entirely selfish

I just have too big of a heart 

That I wonder why I have it harder then people who don’t try.

There’s literally people who have everything handed to them

But lets not back track to the fact that my mother isn’t alive

and how a piece of shit can be….

makes me wonder

What’s life’s plan…

Which brings me back to my paranoia.

(Throws up mentally)

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LIFE, is what you make it! Not Really!!

8

I swear i’m bipolar

I literally feel a different way every single day.

or maybe I have split personalities?

because every other hour I feel like a different person.

OR….maybe i’m just so lost that i’m trying to find something wrong with myself to justify the moment.

I don’t know the definition of being bipolar or having multiple personalities 

but yet i can literally google the mole on my forehead and feel like i have stage 4 melanoma every other month.

I’m literally so fucking crazy that I have too much pride yet too scared to figure out whats wrong.

But at the same time I don’t feel like anything is wrong.

I know it could be an easy fix.

If my outburst can be triggered by something

My happiness can be as well.

I just have to think positively.

I’ve been thinking positively lately.

and my usual lows have been 

a flick of the wrist.

I’m so over it I don’t fucking care.

I’ve literally have been giving generic answers to life.

Because why not!?

Why make someone else feel dumb

because there wrong…

Why make someone feel dumb

because they have no common sense….. 

Why make someone feel a certain way

Just because their not on the same level as you ;D 

Just because I know if things were vice versa it would hit me so hard i’d want to puke consistently for 3 days.

I’m not saying I can absolutely deal with the depression

or the PTSD and flashbacks 

But anxiety is freaking killer!

Imagine questioning every little thing you do!

Imagine approaching things wondering if your going to hurt someones feelings or they’ll appreciate it!

Imagine over analyzing every single situation you can think of then going over the possibilities over and over and over in your mind knowing damn freaking straight everything will be okay! 

You don’t know it….

But every little thing you say to someone can trigger ANYTHING!

LITERALLY ANYTHINGGGGG!!!

Maybe something they didn’t even realize was even a thought!

Not trying to turn you all into crazies….

But think before you speak.

You can literally wake up tomorrow and your life could change.

You could be just like me.

Learning to cope and trying to play this crazy game called life! 

****Note to everyone, don’t judge my punctuation’s, or my grammar or the way i spell because honestly its not that i don’t give a shit, its just that i’m typing what i feel and honestly don’t give a shit….but if you actually read this whole post you’d know i’d feel the need to justify myself ;D

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Forgive me, somehow i stumble across some music i try to avoid and somehow i ended up listening to some old Maria Mena……Not a very good decision at the moment!

 

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And She Gave NO Shits!

2

Oh how distinctly I remember the last time I saw my mother.
She was wearing a Leopard vest.
She was on her way to work early because of a snow storm.
My father was waiting in the car and she came back inside a second time to say goodbye…
And that she loved us……
Then I never saw her again.
Until her funeral….
Oh how I wish I could talk to her one more time
Hug her one more time
Feel her touch one more time
Tell her I love her….one more time.
I’m suffering through so much internally, mentally
and she’s the only person I want to talk to….
Laugh with…
Cry with….
Sit down and have a casual lunch with….
I would’ve never guessed 7 years ago this is how life would be.
Parentless.
Well technically. (But might as well be)
I often wonder how happy my mom was with life.
I wonder if she was happy
Or depressed
Or had anxiety
Or just hated the world.
I have so many questions to ask.
Like our family history
Or how to make simple little meals taste as wonderful as hers.
Honestly……
I’m speechless right now.
I have so much hate in my heart that I never express out loud…
I have so much hate in my heart that no one ever hears….
I’m so unsympathetic that I hate bothering others with my feelings.
I hate even hearing or feeling mine.
If I come off as an asshole when you talk to me, it’s because I am.
If I come off as a douche bag it’s because i am.
If I seem like I’m not listening…
It’s because I’m not!
My name is Camille
And I give no fucks EVER!!!
And if it seems like I do….
You caught my moment of clarity and trashed it with your own thoughts.
I hate that I’m nice.
I hate that im kind hearted.
And give a shit!
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits
Because clearly life has given zero shits about me.
Life has ruined love for me.
Death for me.
Companionship for me.
T R U S T.

EVERYTHING!!!!

And now life is finally taking a toll on my already damaged heart.
It makes me wonder how rock bottom will actually feel like…..
I use to dream of being a Disney Princess as a child
Hopefully my heart with finally go from rags to riches….
But the riches won’t be living life lavishly
The riches would be
Living day to day without being nervous
Or paranoid
Or wondering who’s going to die next.
Not having to prepare myself to pick up the phone.
Not preparing myself to go to the store
Or having a conversation with a stranger without mumbling or talking super fast that I just sound like an idiot, Because I’m scared.
It’s funny how, With each passing day someone could develop such serious feelings or actions.
Imagine waking up everyday and just thinking
“Holy shit! The day is about to start again”
But happy that your alive but upset that you have to breathe through every moment.
Prepare for every moment.
Overthink…..every moment.
I’m soooo lazy
And now everyone sees why!
It’s such work to get through the day.
Bypass my feelings
Bypass the fact I want to lay in the dark and eat forbidden chocolate ice cream all day and pray I don’t gain weight.
Because let’s face it that’ll just be another notch in my belt…again AND LITERLLY!!!!!
I guess where I’m going with this
My goal of 2016 is to give zero shits!
About going to the store and caring.
Talking on the phone and caring.
Saying hi to a stranger and caring.
I want to give zero shits about what people think!
But I do want to give a shit about how people feel.
I just want to sympathize with the world
Is that too much to ask for?

I just want to be myself again

Hi, My name is Camille 

and I just want to give NO FUCKS!

but about the right things ;D

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Now you see me!

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Not everything is sadness
Or disappointment in my life.
Yeah I’m super dramatic at times
But it’s because I’m crazy
When I have moments of clarity
Like right now…
Things seem good
I’m good!
I just need to become a little more…
Unemotional??
I’m emotional
But like not really
I’m just super blunt
I can’t keep myself from the world
I can’t hide my feelings
I’ve been doing it too long…
But honestly, who wouldn’t want to see into the mind of a crazy!
See I’m super blunt
I can’t even hold shit back from myself.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and see 3 different sides of myself.
The good, the bad and the indefinite ;P
Can you ?!

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Crazy, Crazy…I’m so Crazy!

12

I’m super crazy

but not crazy enough to have a label.

or maybe I am. 

I just don’t want to admit it.

But yeah, i’m super crazy! 

I’m not crazy enough to be called crazy out loud

but crazy enough to say it under your breath.

I’m one of those people you talk about

but inside your head.

I’m beyond crazy !

but not crazy enough for to even acknowledge it to someone.

But I will let you know

 I’m crazy enough that you’ll never forget me though ;D

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NO Need to WhINE

2

Sitting here….

Watching the ball drop alone….once again…

My kids asked me to wake them in time, I promised.

I held my end of the bargain.

Super happy 11:55 pm hit.

I wake them like they asked.

Pretty much they all looked at me and said “never mind, I want to go back to sleep”

They might as well of said “fuck you, let me sleep bitch!”

Well that’s how I perceived it.

My heart crushed with sadness

I ran to my room grabbed my journal (The one I only write in when I’m terribly upset)

And I started writing a “bucket list”

*Take a walk outside alone without feeling like your going to die.

*Take a vacation

*Buy something very expensive for just myself (at least $50 haha)

*Feel comfortable with myself.

*Stop being constantly paranoid.

*Stop over analyzing everything.

*See the ball drop in new York (for new years obviously)

*Get mental help.

*Live life be happy!

That’s literally what I wrote word for word in my journal.

As I was reading back what I wrote I realized this isn’t a bucket list.

It’s a goals list.

I think my sub conscience is telling me, this is what i have to do.

I literally just sub conscientiously mapped out the steps I need to take to finally be happy.

or at least feel normal…

Well not all the steps

But a few important ones.

The tricky part is overcoming my fears to even start the process.

I literally need to overcome EVERY FEAR I HAVE..

to become a better person.

I’m so used to a routine 

it slowly changes over time.

Slowly but surely I become someone new.

EVERY YEAR.

 Hopefully this year is it.

My time for something new.

But good new.

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Long Gone Lost

Yesterday marked 7 years since my mothers death.

I cant believe its been that long…

I have no words…

and i don’t think they’ll ever be.

I lost my mom when i was 18.

I lost her at my prime.

I was transitioning.

Transitioning between being a bitch teenager taking her for granted to learning how to become a functional adult.

I’m in limbo.

I have no clue what to do.

I’m forever lost.

I may never know where i am.

who i am.

or who I will become.

But for now I believe I forever feel my mothers presence.

I’m hoping that’ll be good enough.

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dIARY OF A gIRL wITH fAT gIRL sYNDROME!

3

I’ve been going through moments where my day revolves around eating.

I’ve been binge eating.

I feel super gross.

Every time I eat, I remember this one specific moment in my teenage years when I thought i’d forever be 100lbs.

I told myself

(at this time not knowing life wanted to throw hardcore life lessons at me)

“I don’t care if i’m 500lbs, eating makes me happy!”

Ha! BULLSHIT!

Just being a little over 200lbs, specifically 220…

I was miserable.

Now finally 144 (after about 6yrs) i’m afraid to see that weight again.

COMPLETELY MORTIFIED!

I’m still not happy with my weight now!

My mental health is making me eat again..

Eat and eat and freaking eat.

I eat all day, well more then usual.

I wish I was one of those people who could binge and purge…

Just saying the word PURGE makes me sick! 

My moral standards would never let me do that.

My conscience is a blessing but a curse.

Why can’t I be completely crazy, or completely sane?

——————

Please excuse me while I go eat a huge unnecessary bowl of spaghetti.

Which will be followed by a whole bag of deliciousness!

The one and only snack that smiles back…

GOLDFISH.

(my weakness)

I know i’ll feel a little bit better, but it all will conclude with GUILT!

DISGUSTING GUILT!!

i-eat-because-im-unhappy

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Story Of My Anxic Life!

2

Have you ever thought how crazy it is that everyone has different fears?

Afraid of clowns.

Spiders.

Water.

Death…..

These aren’t all my fears, but they are someones…ANYONE’S!

Think of your biggest fear.

Roller coasters.

Flowers.

Birds.

Choking on your favorite food.

Imagine your heart pounding. 

Your eyes widening…. 

Getting short of breath.

Speechless.

Motionless.

Now take away that fear

and imagine feeling that way 

Consistently, constantly…everyday.

EVERY FREAKING DAY!

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In between Thoughtlessness

3

I hate when people assume you act the way you act because your “drunk”
I do drink often But I’m a very functional drinker.
(I know that sounds cliche but I’m super serious ;P)
There’s no reason to make someone feel like shit because of their mental state whether they drink or not.
I wish I could actually be an nonfunctional drunk!
I wish I was an nonfunctional something so I could at least feel some silence in the world.
I’m just super annoyed, I just want the world to know I’m fine and functional.
Just nonfunctional in the sense that I feel like I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore….
Life is a mess
But it’s because I made it a mess
I’m a mess.
Sometimes when I watch TV shows
And see people yelling screaming saying what’s on there mind….
I only wish I could do that.
I just want to scream, and cry and scream again!
I want to punch a wall but that shit cost too much money!
I’m super cheap…..
I only wish I didn’t have to think about money .
I wish I didn’t have to think about problems.
I wish I didn’t have to think….
Just for one day….
I’m scared my mind will forever race
Through life, death or whatever in between….

 

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