Compulsively Impulsive

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I often feel like i’m losing myself
My paranoia is getting worse
My anxiety is getting bad
I’m going through stages
Crocheting, cleaning, working out
Im trying to focus
Focus on one thing
I’m starting to get frigidity
I’ve been working out and eating healthy to keep my mind in one place
It feels good
I haven’t had a drink in weeks
It feels soooooooo good
Well until tonight
I’ve had 2 drinks
I feel so guilty
But i still feel soooooooo good
It’s crazy
How a positive thing can give me the same feeling as a negative
I can feel my ocd intensifying as i type
I feel like washing my hands
I’ve noticed i’ve been doing better
but now, i shouldn’t of had a drink
Drinking makes me think
Thinking makes me feel gross
My hands feel so clammy
I feel like i’m contaminating myself with each thought
I had an ice cream sandwich tonight
I feel so gross
It makes me feel like i need to wash my hands
I feel like working out harder
I didn’t even eat the whole thing
I don’t wish this feeling on anyone
My lack of blogging proves how bad i’ve gotten
I try hard to hide my feelings
I don’t want my kids to see how hard i struggle
I can already see how much anxiety my son has from school
It breaks my heart
I’ve been trying to eat healthier
To get healthier
I constantly wash my hands to avoid getting “contaminated”
I don’t want to die
I don’t want my kids to go through what i have
I know how it feels to not have a mother
It’s part of the reason i am the way i am
I’m finding myself becoming compulsive
I’m also becoming impulsive
Which is making me crazy
I like to have a plan
Be organized
I cant be organized if i’m impulsive
I HATE my anxiety
I would’ve NEVER imagined it getting this far
If you only knew
If anybody only knew
The only people who know how i feel, know the hell i’m going through
And i feel sorry for those who are sticking by those who know how i feel
They’re the ones going through more hell
They not only have to deal with the outcome
But they have to deal with it blind
My husband deserves the world
i love him ❤
If he only knew!

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2 thoughts on “Compulsively Impulsive

  1. Cindy says:

    Love this my life mirrors this so perfectly,I have the most obserd compulsions mainly out of fear, sigh …. I have a plan for everything! I’m terrify ed of dieing not because I’m afraid of death but I’m afraid that someday my babies will have to struggle w.o me, weather it be soon or when im 95 I’m terrify ed of leaving them! I have a plain to avoid all possible death sinerios you haven’t even a clue. If I walk across a street I and I see a car conning at me I plan to just jump, the impact will be less. If im waiting for a train and I get pushed into the tracks I will lay as flat as possible underneath it instead of struggling to get back up and risking being struck and dieing. If in driving I sit way back with my back and head flat against my seat to that my seat belt has the hugest possible chance to save my life in a fatal collision. Put a sinario in my head and a completely detailed plan will pop into my head. When I drive over bridges I keep the windows open incase the bridge colapses of i get shoved over the side because I know that a second and a half isn’t enough time to unbuckled my bed and jump out the door, so I can easily brace for impact and when I hit the water and begone to sink I can free my self through the window! I can go on for ever it’s a problem. It consumes my life every day every where I go when ever im away from my babies! I enjoy reading your blog, it settles my mind. Thanks!

    • cpaynelove says:

      I completely understand how you feel. ..my family often gets annoyed that I get so paranoid, I over analyze every situation. If I think something bad is going to happen one day I just won’t go out, I’m actually really sheltered, it’s the easiest way to feel safe! Thanks for reading,and please keep following! My goal is to provide a place where people can feel a little less crazy ;P

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