Different kind of crazy!

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I’ve been feeling very ill lately
And when I say ill I mean fucking crazy!
You know how I’m increasingly getting paranoid about EVERYTHING!
Well lately I’ve found myself rushing through life
I’m ready to be like 80 something
Seeing all my children’s have made it healthy and happy
And I’ve made it healthy and happy
Clearly Chris is added to this growing old concept as well.
Since my mom’s death in ’08 I’ve slowly become very paranoid about death.
I’m afraid everyone around me will die!
I don’t think I’m built for heartache.
I’ve recently become very emotionless.
I find myself not reacting to things the way I should be
Almost like I’m not listening.
I just don’t want to hear it
I don’t want to hear about peoples everyday life
There struggles or their accomplishments.
I’m struggling enough reminiscing about my unaccomplishments and my successions.
I can’t go to sleep without at least 10 different death scenarios running through my mind!
I’m afraid to go outside due to getting physically sick.
I’m afraid to be around people due to getting physically sick.
I’m afraid of doing anything due to getting deathly sick!
I’m constantly washing my hands
My hands are so dry and cracked from constantly washing them and constantly using hand sanitizer.
I touch a bowl….. I wash my hands.
My hand grazes a piece of paper…. I wash my hands.
I rub my damn eye….I wash my hands!
Then I have to sanitize them after I touch the faucet.
I’m tired of these stages of getting worst.
At points I feel better, but then moments like this I realize
I’m not getting better I’m just transferring my actions to different crazies.
I know i hate my paranoid crazy stage
But I hate my “I want to crawl in my bed and hide under my pink pillow in my corner crying” stage even more!
I know that’s next….
I feel it coming…..
This is just the calm before the storm.

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2 thoughts on “Different kind of crazy!

  1. Lisa Murray says:

    Hang in there. ..i know what you are dealing with. .. ever since the death of my mom I been feeling like the walls are closing in on me ..my son was the same way with washing hands .. everything he touched he had to wash his hands … praying you get through this ..if u ever need to talk I am only a click away xoxoxo

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