Differently Indifferent

3

I haven’t blogged in a while.

but that’s not anything new, is it?

I’m secluding myself .

I want to feel normal again.

I have like negative friends.

I barely go out in public.

I don’t even know how to fake a conversation anymore!

I avoid any human contact that I can.

I want to stay in bed all day, in my little corner.

I feel safest there.

It’s scary walking around my house.

I’m mostly alone

[well besides the kids]

It’s lonely and scary.

but it’s more scary being out in the open with people!

I cant wait to sit on my back porch in the warmth

sipping on a glass of red wine

listening to the birds.

Nature soothes my soul

and wine soothes my fears.

I want to feel at home again!

In my own body…I feel indifferent.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

It’s almost like some boring scared ass bitch took me over.

I want to feel ALIVE again!

where did I go wrong?

MAKE IT ALL GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Oh and also the source of this whole blog post could be because i’ve been hoarding these notebooks i’ve had for 8 years filled with notes me and Justin wrote to each other in highschool, ive thrown them away millions of times but yesterday seemed like the day to finally get rid of that part of my past….threw them away took them out, then told Chris to do it….instead we burned them, FUCKKK that was hard, sad, depressing…but it feels GREAT to let go!

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4 thoughts on “Differently Indifferent

  1. whenwemumble says:

    I agree with this all 100%. It will get better in time! Hopefully blogging can help you with your emotions. I’m hoping my blog can help me and say something people can relate to. Feel free to check it out.

  2. kyrie says:

    letting go feels great. I agree! I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time with anxiety but I’m glad to hear you found something that soothes you.

  3. persiakarema says:

    I’ve recently started reading your blog and am sorry you are going through your current experience.
    You have been nominated for the Leibster Award 🙂 x

  4. rrielmiya says:

    my heart aches for you, i could not imagine your struggle, i’ve attempted to walk in your shoes but i can barely stand in mine. i find your strength beyond my comprehension, and it breaks my heart to know that you feel alone. it destroys me to see your anxieties grow to a point that you don’t feel comfortable in your home. you were always so unreserved with a hint of desolation, an innuendo of isolation that has grown from a whisper into a scream. I can’t even burn the books of my own, the thought of letting go of anything has become my biggest fear but an intrusive reality. how do you do it? how do you feel? you’ve inspired me in my life’s work…the reason i step away from my comfort zone and speak in front of an audience about the reality of relationship abuse is because of you. I used to blame you…as a teenager, oblivious to the concept of manipulation, never understanding why you used to date these men. I thought they were evil, they took you away in a way that i could not explain. and…Justin…i never understood. I didn’t hate him, i didn’t hate him in the way I hated others before him. I…actually liked him. I thought he was okay, and admitting that is making me literally want to cry and throw up. I didn’t see the signs of his abusive behavior. I didn’t understand that abuse was not only physical, but it was emotional, its psychological, it is verbal. it is a matter of power and control. COERCION AND THREATS, INTIMIDATION. CONSTANT INSULTS, MAKING YOU THINK YOUR CRAZY, HUMILATION, ISOLATION, MINIMIZING, DENYING, AND BLAMING YOURSELF, USING CHILDREN, MONEY… so many passive coercive techniques contribute to relationship abuse and I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it in you and I didn’t see it in mommy or daddy. I JUST HATED. i became angry…i am so sorry camille. i recall many times where i reached out to you and didn’t understand the implications that my lack of knowledge about what you were going through had ON YOU. i didn’t understand anything, I’d like to think i understand enough now to know i do not forgive you for the past because you do not in anyway owe ANYONE an apology. I hope you can forgive me for the times in which i said “if i had known last summer (summer ’05) would be our last times together i would have appreciated more” and times where i designated the song “don’t speak” as our anthem. You are truly TRULY my inspiration, you have given my life purpose. You have inspired me in so many ways and you continue to do so. I can’t even relay the level of love, respect, appreciation that i have for you.I only hope that you can allow yourself happiness, you will recognize that through all your anxiety and uncertainty you have reached so many lives. Camille, you alone have changed so many peoples lives for the better and you may not even realize it. You are amazing you have burned the books that have been weighing down on yourself, they are erased, and no love, no former love, no perception of love, no amount of love from anyone, could ever compare to the love i wish and pray that you have and gained for yourself. You as an individual, you as camille ines noriega…15 years old…you were my hero then. camille ines payne, you are my hero, and i wish you saw yourself in my eyes. you are beautiful, mysterious, exotic, hilarious, you made me come out of my shell, you are my inspiration, you are my second mother. if mommy only knew (which i know she does) that you are the reason i have a home…and will always feel as though i have a home she would be so proud. & i also believe that she looks up to you, you have overcome something that she just couldn’t…and as hard as it is for me to admit because mommy is my light, she is my glimpse of divinity, you have broken a cycle of abuse that could have persisted in our family. you have changed the life of javon for the better. you are amazing, please please please realize it, and share your story. you deserve the warmth of the sun, the laughter of your children. I LOVE YOU & there will never be enough praise given to you from me, never enough i love yous, never enough hope that you will confront your fears like you have done in the past and recognize that you have the strength and the tenacity to move past them and create a life that you have dreamed of and imagined. i love you.

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