Dazed, Crazed, and Completely Insane

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I’m sitting here wondering
How the fuck did my mind
Become deranged
In the sense that life is different
What happened to waking up smiling
What happened to my natural encouragement to others
I remember pretending things were okay in school
Mr.tripler pulling me out of class asking me if
“I needed help”
I wanted help
I yearned for help
I should’ve told him then
I’ll never forget that day
I should’ve told him Justin beat me
I should’ve told him I was being threatened
I hate that I can still think of things like that
I hate that I have such a great memory
I can remember almost anything
Down to the last detail
I’m convince I have a photographic memory at times
I wonder if its part of my ptsd
or if I was born like this
my mind wonders in ways I never thought possible
sipping wine
is like a refreshing drink of lemonade on a hot day
I can’t get enough of it
I’m not even affected anymore
it’s just comforting, something I crave now
I crave comfort
like the comfort you get in your mothers arms
a feeling I no longer can possess
a feeling I once again yearn
I find comfort in other places
growing up the way I did
its something you just deal with
I was brought up tough and for as long as I remember
Ive always been tough
but tough I am not
I take my feelings out in my crochet I keep my mind busy
I make friends with my fish
I take pride in my fish
its hard for me to stick to a hobby
but fish and yarn is all that I’ve held onto
I feel like a crazy cat lady
replace the cats with fish
and there I am
a frumpy women obsessed with things that can’t necessarily love them back
but forced to love haha
I just wanna feel like something or someone truly loves me
wants me
but ill never witness that feeling
That part of me was stripped away
when people I thought loved or cared
started to hurt me or disappear

weeeappaaaa

My parents young and in love ❤

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5 thoughts on “Dazed, Crazed, and Completely Insane

  1. Jess says:

    Hugs, hun.

    This is very well written ❤️

  2. I really appreciated reading this – thank you.

  3. *Kisses Your Cheek* You are tough Camel.. the fact that you’re recovering shows that ! Don’t think you are alone were all in a recovery process from …life. Love you forever and always

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