Crazy, She Wrote

gfgh

I’ve been telling myself to blog lately
I don’t know why I haven’t blogged
And I don’t know why I keep giving the same bullshit story
I’m not blogging probably because I’m lazy
And I’m afraid of everyone reading my thoughts
I often feel crazy
And confused
I feel lost like I’m going no where
I have nothing to brag about to my kids
I’m a stay at home mother of 3
And see the same walls everyday
No job
No college
Chris does everything
Yeah I raise my kids
But I wish I could be one of those moms who do it all
I have such intense social anxiety
I can’t do anything
Talking over the internet isn’t even okay
This isn’t any type of life to live
In my head I’m outgoing
Talkative
I love people
I don’t want my kids
To ever feel the way I do
My mother loved being around people
And even seeing my sisters they seem the say way
They all have seen school after highschool
Except me
I often tell myself at least I went back to school
But then again also the other pregos I went to school with
Did too and then some
I don’t know what I’m looking for
I just want a purpose
I’m a good person who wants to do good things
I’m just scared
I’ve been very emotional lately
I don’t know if its because of the holidays
Or because I’m just paranoid
Nothing seems normal anymore
I’m traumatized by pretty much anything
Abuse, death, abandonment
Anybody I have ever loved had either hurt me or left me or both
I feel like there’s only so many people who can
Survive certain…hmp…..situations
I’ve gotten threw
Abuse, death, abandonment, deployment
A lot
I’m due for something good
I’m not a bad person
I just don’t understand
this “circle of life” thing
I just want to have one good
relaxing I don’t give a fuck day
without my mind racing
my weird strange “and breathe” fits
Anxiousness is not fun
and whats even worst?
not even knowing what your anxious about
I don’t even know what my mind is racing about half the time
blahh, blahh, blah!
am I boring you guys yet?
see im paranoid
No one likes me, everyone hates me, and no one gives a shit
Whats funny is, I honestly don’t give 2 fucks
or even one fuck
but I think deep deep deeeeeeep in my conscience of caringness
I fucking do!
see you see how much my mind races?
Im pulling compassion out of my filing cabinets from like 2005
What the freak is happening haha
I guess the good that comes out of all this
experience
I can calm people through
almost the worst of the worst
and even if I haven’t been through the worst
I’ve been though enough
to understand, and not judge
maybe that’s my purpose

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