Late Night Loathing

ytyuyjMy mind is so engorged with thoughts of people dying around me.
That
I’m forgetting.
I’m already a forgetful person
But today I realized
I
don’t even remember what it feels like to have parents.
The scary thing
is
When I try to remember and think hard
The only memories I See are when
I was like 7
At the pool with my family.
My 3 sisters and both my
parents.
Nothing before then nor after.
The only after I can remember is
the day my mom died.
Shit I can’t even remember deployment!
I’m in a very
depressed state today.
I’m trying to think back to when my
Life spiraled
into this big shit ball.
I thought it was when my mother died
But then I
thought harder.
And was like “oh shit I used to get abused by my sons father
for a living”
I guess I’m trying hard to forget
But sometimes memories
tend to slip through the cracks
I just wish I never fell for that fake ass
smile Justin gave me
When he first approached me
When I finally left
him
He used to come to my house and sneak to my window
With cards and
flowers
Constantly begging for forgiveness
And I almost caved
Him being
a fuck up probably saved my life
I was considering taking him back until I
found out
He was in jail
What a sigh of relief that was.
Surviving
that relationship
Brought baggage for me
I’ve been thinking this whole
time
That my mothers death is what triggered my
“Fear of death”
phobia
But its a mixture between the two
Yes my moms death made me afraid
of people dying around me
But I’ve also discovered for myself
Death seems
peaceful
Its not the being dead part that scares me
Its the “how and when
death is going to happen” part
Its like fears just keep attaching themselves

Making a huge chain reaction mess hole
I’m not afraid of death
But I’m
afraid of other peoples deaths
I’m afraid if they suffer or not
I’m afraid
what if your dead
You still think and feel the way you do through
life
These are the unanswerable questions
No one will ever know
Its
scary
Why must I over think things
Over read people
Over analyze
situations
Why can’t I be completely crazy?
I’m not only a mediocre
person
But I’m a mediocre crazy person
I feel crazy
I feel like I
think crazy
But yet god gave me a conscience
So technically I’m not
crazy
Because I still react with an over analyzing thought process
I’m
selfish
Selfish selfish selfish selfishhh

tumblr_m807zeuM5s1rbyu62o1_500

Im so selfish, i dont even feel like going back and editing, spell checking, or adding puncuations
POW!
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