Love Locked Down

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I’m getting worst

and seeing a psychologist isn’t working
yeahh i seem fine when i see her
but I’m really not.
I need help and shes not giving it to me!
My anxiety is getting worst.
My depression is getting worst.
6 years ago i would’ve never imagine my life like this.
Sometimes i think
maybe if my mom was here maybe i wouldn’t be this way!
But then again
I probably would be, because of the abuse.
I’ve made some bad decisions in life.
Some i wish i never made
but on the bright side I’m happy with 
my son!
I don’t want him to ever think he ruined my life!
He didn’t in fact.
He showed me how to be mature
and to be strong.
Qualities i love having!
But sometimes i wish i could have my cake and eat it too!
Some people just have a child with a man who chooses not to be in a woman’s life.
Sometimes i wish i could be that women.
You know without the abuse.
I don’t think i could ever trust again.
I know, i have everything and more then most people who were in a abusive relationship
but somehow i want more.
The hateful words are engraved in my mind.
I feel like my husband hates me.
No matter what he does.
Its crazy how one situation can do that!
I don’t think my abuser would ever realize how much I’m hurting.
He doesn’t deserve sympathy for being in jail.
I’m tired of feeling sorry for him.
Because i don’t!
I’m glad hes in there!
All the times i was pulled down the hallway by my hair
or stomped and kicked in the face and more
he deserves what he has!
But yet my instincts tell me i cant be a mean motherfucker.
I wish i could be mean!
I do too much for people
i seriously do.
You would think i would stop picking up his calls
but then sometimes i want that little bit of satisfaction
of knowing someone wishes things didn’t turn out the way they were!
Sometimes i need that boost.
And if that means i need that boost from my abuser
then ill take it!
It makes things that much better.
I’m a manipulative bitch.
Whether i show it or not!
I’ve learned from the best
Growing up being raised
by a scumbag of a father.
Yes! hes a dirt bag!
And for those who know him
i hope that when he dies everyone pisses on his grave!
You would think i wouldn’t say that after losing my mom
but i would only say that if it was true!
He is a dirt bag.
And he will bring you down!
Its sad i feel like hes going to kill me one day.
I filed a PFA against him maybe a couple of months ago
and i think that’s where my anxiety this week is coming from.
I hate being around people
and tomorrow [actually today when i publish this 12/5/12] i have a hearing for the PFA.
I always get nervous
but i think that has to go with my social anxiety.
I hate him with a passion!
Hes threaten me and my children.
I honestly shouldn’t feel like I’m in an abusive relationship again
especially with my dad.
Sometimes i think if my mom was here how would she feel about all of this?!
My mom kept us together
and now that shes gone i see how bad she was hurting.
For me to go threw what i have and be this crazy
i can only imagine how she felt.
I’m content that shes in peace
but i wish she was here.
I live next door of my childhood home and i think of her.
Its hard!
I think that’s why i feel like shes still alive.
I truly miss her.
I want to move so bad i need it for the change.
It hurts looking outside everyday!
I know my sisters are hurting but i don’t think as much as i am.
I have this reminder everyday.
Just looking out my window.
Flashbacks of the night she died
hits me every time i look out the window!
I’m looking out the window now
I told Chris earlier
“Every time i look out the window i feel like I’m going to see someone breaking in next door!”
But in reality, i see her!
I see my mother walking up the stairs.
Yess!!
I still think my mother is alive even though i know shes dead.
I wish she was alive but just ignoring me.
I miss her.
I really miss her!
I don’t think my husband or anyone in general could ever realize what is going on in my head.
I don’t even know whats going on in my head!!!!!
[by the way bless you Chris, we just got into an argument over bullshit and I’m too stubborn to say it]
I honestly feel like I’m going crazy.
I know I’m not but anxiety and depression is a serious illness.
I also think I’m suffering from a personality disorder but
I’m not going to start diagnosing myself haha
All i know is something is wrong with me.
I’m not normal.
I’m capable of leading a normal life.
but I’m also great at hiding my feelings.
I’m good at holding in my feelings until my kids fall asleep.
[which is good]
Sometimes i feel like maybe my mom knew she was dying
and was content with it.
I know she was stressed.
Sometimes i wonder how she handled things.
Knowing how i feel from my mothers death,
death actually scares me now!
I don’t want my kids to ever feel how I’m feeling.
That’s why i hoard myself inside.
I’m slowly becoming a hypochondriac!
Everything seems like an illness.
I hope i get better before they realize something is wrong with me And think I’m a crazy bitch!
I don’t want them to resent me.
There my life!
Chris is my life!
My sisters are my life!
and my grandparents are all i have!
I’m scared
I’m scared to lose any of them.
Death scares me.
Death fuels my anxiety.
Death is my anxiety.
Not one day goes by without thinking of it!
I want 2012 to happen, so we all go in peace together and not know
the what if’s!
I don’t wanna care or miss anyone.
I cant even turn off my emotions
cause i already got the people i love,
locked in! I don’t like taking medication like I’ve said before
But i think its time to see a psychiatrist I cant just wish things away.
It doesn’t work anymore :/
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