Going, Going, Goooonnnneee!!!


I don’t know where im going to go with this.
I usually wait until i have some sort of anxiety.
But today.
right now.
this moment.
I’m just going to type.
see where it takes me!
I wanna try and succeed at something.
I’m not a good writer.
But ever since i started blogging
Ive learned to love it.
Recently I’ve talked to my sons father
for the first time in a while.
I told him i was suffering from PTSD because of him.
His response:
“Really, I’m suffering from it too! i think its from all the stress from what happened with us”
My response in my head:
“are you fucking shitting me!!!!”
My actual response to him:
“Oh that sucks”
I should’ve spoke my mind right then and there!
I’m not going to say hes not suffering from PTSD.
but don’t try and make me feel sorry for you.
anything that your suffering from
when we were together is YOUR fault not mine.
I didn’t ask for this.
I don’t want to live this way anymore.
Its frustrating, and I’m pushing people away because of it.
Lately things have been bothering me
Ive been jumpy
I barely let Chris touch me
I shouldn’t have to flinch the second my husband wants a hug.
I shouldn’t have visions/dreams of him killing me.
I know he wont hurt me.
But i hate doing this to him
I’m defective
I wont ever blame him for wanting to leave me.
I don’t know what i want anymore
My depression and anxiety is so bad around the holidays
I cant believe at 22
Ive been through so much already
I’m not saying my life is worst then anybody else
[obviously I’m alive, some people who were in a abusive
relationship cant even say that] 
but i miss my mom
I hate feeling crazy
Balancing the grievance of my mother
and the traumatizing aftermath of the abuse
Seems to feel to much at times
I wish i could close my eyes
Count to ten
And it all disappear
Nope all my memories are still here
Really fucking sucks, major fucking balls!
If my mom was here she’d know what to do
She’d know how to make me feel better. I guess ill have to continue to fake a smile!
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