Sometimes i don’t know what to do with myself!
I lack everything!
I try to make myself eat
but i cant, I’m not hungry.
I force myself to eat
because i know i have to, to live
and to stay healthy.
I feel like normal people in my state of mind, might just not eat.
But i know i have to, I’m well aware of whats going on.
I cant let my mind fool me.
I cant sink deeper into this illness.
I wont let it take me.
I don’t want to get sicker.
So i force myself to do things.
I struggle everyday, to remain healthy.
To pretend I’m healthy.
I just hit a low point.
I don’t know what triggered it, but its triggered.
When i hit a low
I don’t even know what the problem is.
I just know i hate life.
I know I’m sad.
If you asked me about what, i couldn’t tell you.
I barely think about the abuse
or my mothers death.
I just get depressed.
My mind is racing so hard right now
the only thing i can do is write.
I cant even think a thought.
This is crazy.
NO! I’m not crazy.
I’m just thinking differently.
I’m drinking a cup of wine.
Its making me feel better.
The alcohol running through my veins, feels so good.
It feels so warm flowing through my body.
I’m sane now.
I’m thinking clearly.
But it shouldn’t have to resort that.
Why does alcohol have to be the answer to my problems ?
I’m not an alcoholic.
And i don’t need cups.
Just one cup of wine is good for me.
The warmth is like a comfort.
My mom is wrapping her arms around me
telling me “Everything is going to be okay.
Well get through this.”
And i believe it.
But, i have to have that cup.
I still feel sane.
I hope this last!