Dont Disappoint, the Disappointment

 I constantly feel like a disappointment.

From the abuse i was always told no one would want me!
I had a baby, who would want me?
I don’t care what people think of me, if you haven’t noticed.
But i find myself trying to please people.
From being in that abusive relationship
I feel like i disappointed so many people.
I hurt so many people.
I traumatized, so many people!
I hate feeling sexy one minute .
Hot the next.
okay, a minute later.
Then just mediocre.
With my husband gone, it hard to feel sexy
or even mediocre.
Being emotionally abused, these words live with you.
Being put down constantly, is living with me.
I have to be told at least 8/7
[a total of 8 hours a day, 7 days a week]
That someone loves me.
I know my husband does.
but i have to beg him to tell me, i don’t want to seem annoying.
But i want love, i need love.
I want to feel like someone cares, someone needs me in there life.
I try and hold onto that feeling when we don’t talk.
Its hard, but i try.
I do things to please him.
[don’t think sexual cause i know that’s what your all doing]
[[OK i guess you can think sexual if you want ;D ]]
…50 hrs of cartoons, 50 hours of cartoons, 50 hours of cartoon…
Anyways i do things to please him.
Yes i do get piercings and i want many more tattoos
because that’s just who i am
I LOVE to feel rebellious.
I LOVE the stares of “wtf”.
I just LOVE them
piercings and tattoos are not only my release on life.
But my husband loves them!
that’s a plus 😀
okay i guess that has nothing to do with this blog
but at least everyone knows chris’ fetish haha
[sorry Chris, you married me..the second you said i consented to be blogged about]
But really, life would be so much better if i didn’t care about disappointment.
I’m so ready to say Fuck the world and do my own thing.
I feel like I’m almost there.
I’m ready to have my own opinions and speak my mind.
I literally have one friend.
If you don’t like me and don’t want to talk to me
what will make the difference?
Extra people mean EXTRA anxiety.
Extra anxiety means EXTRA stress.
and EXTRA stress equals more and more depression.
More and more horrible thoughts.
You guys are probably wondering why i always say “horrible thoughts”
And not “suicide”
Its because my thoughts make me WANT to hurt myself.
But i don’t.
I’m smarter then that.
I know theres no reason to hurt myself.
I know, its just the sickness.
Theres nothing wrong with my life that i would want to hurt myself
or kill myself.
My life is completely normal.
Its just my thoughts are stuck.
There stuck in the time period when my life was suicide worthy.
My thoughts make me relive so much
That i physically feel like I’m reliving it!
Do you know how that feels?
I really want people to appreciate life.
I know i do.
I love my life!
I love my kids!
and i love my husband!
I want him to know that.
I love you, i love you, i lovvvve you!
I’m sorry my sickness has taken over.
I’m sorry that i don’t feel good enough.
I’m sorry that i require so much fucking attention.
I really wonder why don’t you just leave me?
Why do you put up with me?
I couldn’t do it, if it was vice versa
and I’m just being honest.
But I’m sorry if I’m a disappointment.
and I’m sorry if im a disappointment to everyone else.
I started this blog on a good note.
I tried to be inspiring.
I want people to have hope, even if i don’t have any.
I want you to feel better.
I want people to reach out to me.
You have no clue how much that helps.
I may not act like it.
My responses maybe short and emotionless.
but behind this computer
I’m smiling…No actually I’m fucking cheesing.
Thanks to each and everyone of you for reading my blog.
Lately I’ve been thinking about stopping.
Sometimes, i feel like people don’t care.
I get some responses, but not as many as i want.
Why blog if 5 people are gonna follow it and take time to comment.
I know your reading, i don’t know who’s reading.
But know people read this every time i blog.
Am i not good enough for feedback?
Are you just nosey?
Do you feel like your watching a plane crash
that’s eventually going to burn into flames?
Or am i just that disappointing, that you cant look away?
The thing is, I’m not asking for feedback.
I’m not asking for praise,
I just want people to tell me, I’m doing the right thing!
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One thought on “Dont Disappoint, the Disappointment

  1. bounce51 says:

    I believe everyone knows the right thing to do for their lives . Just do it . Good Luck

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