Onward, Upward, Survival, and Growth

I hate the feeling of never getting better.

This is such a struggle for me.

The aftermath of the abuse is harder then the actually thing!

I feel like every year things get harder and harder.

There doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel!

I know ones there

but i cant see it yet!

I wish i could see it.

I guess this is one of those things

that it has to get worse before its better !

I’m soo ready for better.

I’m ready for change.

I’m ready for happiness

and to explore life!

All I’ve known since i was 15

was pregnancy and babies.

I’ve never had that wild stage of life 

and honestly i don’t want it.

I’m content where I’m at

and i feel like if i ever had a taste

id want more!

Anything that can get my mind off of these horrible thoughts

becomes addicting.

I don’t wanna be addicted to the fun life.

I don’t wanna be one of those parents

that could give 2 shits about there kids

but pretend there, their life!

My kids are my life

that’s the only satisfaction i need.

That’s what gets me through my day.

That’s what keeps my mind off the stress.

I wanna be better for my kids.

I constantly have that feeling

of wanting to lay in bed all day!

Just sit in the dark.

Wear sweats and do nothing with my life.

But i cant and I’m happy i cant.

I don’t wanna waste the time i do have on this earth.

I want to enjoy as much as my mind will let me enjoy.

Its weird, every time my husband has to get off skype

i always ask him “are you about to get off with me?”

He thinks its crazy, because i always know.

I’m not physic.

I get that feeling that people get when its about to rain

like there bones start hurting.

But mine is a little different

my heart drops and pounds!

My anxiety level goes through the roof.

I sense that hes about to leave.

Its not just coincidence.

Its that feeling of knowing somethings wrong

a little off.

Hes my soul mate!

Why wouldn’t i sense these things?

That’s how i know hes right for me!

I also need to get better for him.

I’m going to describe this to you

as good as i can.

This is for all you normies out there.

Have you ever gotten to that breaking point

that you just had a really really bad day.

You don’t want to be bothered, and you just want to scream at everyone

who comes in contact with you?

Well that’s my everyday.

I was brought up good by my mother.

So not even a mental illness could get In the way

of me having manners.

But in the back of my mind, i am cursing you out!

I don’t want to curse, and theres no need for it.

But its what my mind wants.

I’m not a mean person.

And that’s why i hate this feeling.

I have so much hate in me.

I have no faith or hope in any one.

I live with no intentions of ever having a good day.

I’m at that point that i feel like i have to accept this

as my everyday life.

My heart is still battling my mind and it refuses to give up.

I don’t want it to give up.

But I’m at that point that i wanna give up

[not life]

but this whole, I’m such a great person attitude

you know, my normal.

My personality.

Not this evil thing that’s trying to take over.

So you guys know, i write this blogs to show awareness.

To prove that your not crazy.

Theres people out there just like you.

I’m like you.

I don’t want people to hurt themselves because they think there alone.

Your not alone.

I’m right there with you.

Were doing this together.

We will get better.

We will succeed at life!

We will no longer think were worthless

fat, ugly, horrible, pointless to this world!

Were wonderful people.

We just need to realize that.

And if we have to realize it together.

I’m okay with that.

I like feeling like I’m not alone.

I feel crazy

when i think I’m alone.

I hate feeling alone and like no one understands!

I’m gonna write a passage from my journal from a while ago

     October 5, 2011-

So i had a strange dream the other day, i was jumping off of a building and of course i died but it was weird, it didn’t hurt, it actually made me feel peaceful, like all my stress melted away, it was a really great feeling that i hope i feel one day. not through death but through life! I’m feeling very liberated just thinking about it! too bad its going to be short lived :/

I read that for the first time since i wrote it.

I don’t know if i wrote it when i just woke up

or if i was in a drunken state.

But as i read it, i was like “What the fuck, why would i dream about jumping off a building?!”

So you guys know i don’t wanna jump off of a building!

Nor end my life or hurt myself.

But i do want to feel liberated.

I think my dream combined the fact that i want to feel better

with the thought process of my mothers death.

I want to know that shes happy now

and no longer suffering

the pain my father put her through.

I want to know that she felt at peace dying.

I just really want to know that shes happy.

I feel like shes watching over me.

Like shes literally hoovering over my shoulder as we speak.

I feel like out of my 3 sisters, shes chose me!

She knows i need her.

Like really really need her.

Things would be so much better and more stable if she was here to talk to.

I’ve learned that I’m not only suffering from ptsd

but I’m also grieving the lost of my mother.

Its hard dealing with both of these things.

My mind is never in the same place!

Its either on the abuse, or on the death of my mom.

Its constantly racing and its rarely in a steady spot of sanity.

I want as much sanity as one sane person can handle.

I wanna be in a comfy state of mind.

I don’t want to rely on my husband or my best friend to make me feel better.

I feel like I’m 80 years old

and don’t want to be their burden.

Just because I’ve stopped living

I don’t want people to stop on my account.

I want my emotions to be sincere.

I want people to know how I’m really feeling.

I don’t wanna fake smile anymore.

I don’t wanna to pretend I’m happy.

I don’t want to stay awake all night

and be awake all day, because i have to!

I wanna be on a normal sleeping pattern.

I wanna be able to emote normally.

I want a casual drink with my husband

be a causal drink with my husband!

I don’t want to drink my feeling away.

I’m tired of ignoring my thoughts.

I’m tired of ignoring my husbands thoughts.

I’m done yelling at my husband for no reason!

And I’m done having flashbacks!

When i say, I’m ready for change.

I really mean i WANT change.

I’m doing everything in my power to stay

happy, healthy and motivated.

Even if that means

doing zumba, yoga, eating healthy and avoiding my husband.

[Avoiding my husband meaning when i know he has like 10 minute to talk, i wont talk, it’ll just send me into a straight anxiety attack]

Then i will, I’ve noticed these things

keep me sane a lot longer

and that’s always a great thing!

I’m sorry if I’m constantly repeating the same things!

Happiness, change, sanity.

But please bare with me.

These are my thoughts.

I’m just writing as i think.

My anxiety attacks

are the only time i can write.

This is how i relieve stress!

This makes me feel good.

I like knowing that i could be helping someone right now.

I have a kind heart.

As much as i hate this feeling

I kinda feel blessed in a way.

I’m happy i can raise awareness

For teen pregnancy.

Domestic abuse.

PTSD.

The lost of someone close.

Being a military wife.

And believe or not but people do have the struggle of being in

an inter-racial relationship!

I’m happy that i can provide

Thoughts.

Feelings.

And answer for all of them.

I know some people don’t like talking about these things

or like being anonymous.

But I’m a real person!

I want people to see me as a real person.

And not some automated machine.

This is real.

And your not alone!

Onward, Upward, Survival, and Growth!

These words are my life!

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3 thoughts on “Onward, Upward, Survival, and Growth

  1. […] Onward, Upward, Survival, and Growth (cpaynelove.wordpress.com) […]

  2. Julia Gonzalez says:

    Standing Ovation little cousin!!!! Standing O, with such pride 😍

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